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He seems to mull over whatever his truth is while I bring my wine glass to my lips. Oh, it’s all gone. Oopsies. Distracted, I begin looking around on the floor, trying to remember where I left the bottle. It was definitely around here somewhere. I hope Hawk didn’t sneak the end of it when I went to the bathroom. I’ll be so pissed!
“I missed you after you left Pac.”
My gaze snaps up to Hawk so fast that I see double of him, and I have to blink several times until the two of him merge into one person. “What did you say?”
I feel like I need to hear him repeat himself, this time while I stare at his lips so I can be sure it’s definitely him saying those words and not my imagination making shit up.
Instead of indulging me, he smirks and nudges me with his knee. “Your turn.”
I chew on my bottom lip while I try to think of something good but not too personal. Should I share something that involves him? Something light and dumb? Something that actually fucking matters?
“There was never anyone else after you and Wilder.”
He cocks a brow. “What about Richard?”
I shake my head. “Richard was the guy I wanted to love. The one I told myself Ishouldwant. Who checked the box for what I naively assumed I needed in a husband in order to complete the perfect little life I had planned for myself.”
“So why didn’t you love him?”
“Nu-uh.” I shake my head and smirk at him. “Your turn.”
A sly grin lifts his lips before he spills another truth. “I’m so ready to be done with college.”
My eyebrows lift in surprise. “Really? Huh. I thought you’d be living your best life, going to college parties, embracing fraternity life… working your way through every new class of freshmen.”
Throwing his head back, he barks out a laugh. “God, no. Don’t get me wrong, I thought I’d be all into it. Hell, after our senior year at Pac, I thought it was exactly what I needed—to let off some steam and actually have some fun.”
“So what happened?”
With a shrug of his shoulder, he loses himself in his memories before responding. “It just wasn’t what I expected, or maybe it was no longer what I wanted. I dunno, but Wilder ended up dragging me to the parties. He was the one that talked me into joining the frat.”
I smirk, knowing exactly how persuasive Wilder can be, and remembering how he and Hawk used to rub each other the wrong way—and no doubt still do at times. I can only imagine the push and pull involved in that conversation.
“None of that shit holds the same appeal it once did.”
Nodding my head, I can relate to what he’s saying. Senior year changed us all. My time with him and Wilder changed me. It was only when I created some distance between us that I realized just how much I’d changed. HowirrevocablyI’d changed.
I was no longer that freshman who walked through the gates of Pacific Prep at the age of eleven with big dreams and high hopes of one day becoming someone. I wasn’t even the same girl who came back for senior year. Meeting Hadley triggered a chain reaction. A butterfly effect that ended with Wilder, Hawk, and me getting all tangled up in one another.
After we crossed that bridge together, there was no going back. None of us realized it at the time, but we came away from that night reborn. The people we once were no longer existed, and along with their demise went every dream, wish, and idea we had for our lives.
Wilder embraced it, Hawk disregarded it, and me? I ran from it.
But maybe it’s not too late to make amends, at least with Hawk.
“I get that,” I say, giving him a soft smile. “I thought I was doing everything right—school, college, career—” I tick them off one by one—“Then get myself a husband, a house in the suburbs, and settle down with a couple of kids.” I flatten my lips as I shake my head. “Except every achievement has felt flat. I’m checking off milestones like they’re on a goddamn grocery list—something Ihaveto do.” My shoulders drop as I confess aloud, “It’s like, I work my ass off to achieve something, and when I finally do, I don’t feel any of the joy or accomplishment I should. I just feel… empty. As though I’m sitting on the sidelines of my own life, watching from a distance, but unable to embrace it fully.”
A moment of silence falls between us until I laugh awkwardly. “I’m drunk. I don’t even know what I’m saying.” I reach over to grab the remote in need of a distraction, but Hawk’s fingers curl around my wrist, stopping me. When I dare look up into the swirling depths of his hurricane eyes, I’m surprised to find nothing but compassion and understanding.
“Nobody should be a passenger in their own life, Em. If that’s how you feel, then do something about it.”
His words feel like a challenge, one he’s begging me to accept. Unintentionally—or maybe my subconscious is trying to tell me something—I lean toward him until his breath fans my face. His eyes drop to my lips, and he slowly lowers his face to mine.
My heart slams painfully against my chest, but right before our lips can touch, images of me on the bathroom floor and him walking away assault my mind, and at the last second, I tilt my head to the side, breaking off our would-be kiss.
His lips end up skimming my cheek, and knowing they’re bright red and scorching hot with embarrassment, I cough and mumble, “Umm, how about another movie, yeah? I think a movie sounds good.” Grabbing the remote, I make a point of not looking in Hawk’s direction as I flick through the channels until I find the first half-decent movie I can find. Ensuring there’s plenty of distance between us on the couch, I sit steel-spined and fixated on the television, and that’s the last thing I remember.
My cheeks heatwith embarrassment simply at the memory of last night. How close we came to kissing—again. I can’t believe how badly I wanted to feel his lips on mine one more time, but I’m so damn glad drunk me had the foresight to realize that could only end one way—badly.
