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After what felt like an hour, but was probably only five minutes, my body stopped violently trembling and I was able to breathe a little steadier.
TJ handed me a protein bar and Gatorade. I looked at him warily as I accepted them and noticed my hand was still shaking.
Ellie moved to sit beside me on the bench and she continued to rub my back.
“I’ll drop his ass if he makes fun of me for this,” I grumbled to her about TJ.
She gave me a sympathetic smile. “He won't. He hugged you because that’s what I usually need. He doesn't realize panic attacks come in different forms for people.”
I drew a sharp intake of air. “Panic attack?”
She nodded. “Never happened to you before, I take it?”
I nodded as I ripped open the protein bar wrapper with my teeth and spit out the plastic end.
She gave my shoulder a nudge. “What caused it? If you don’t mind me asking, of course,” she added quickly.
“Nothing. I’m good,” I said, trying to steady my hand as I unscrewed the Gatorade cap.
“Duke,” she said in a low voice, pulling my eyes to hers. “I’m just trying to help.”
I pressed my lips together in a firm line and spied TJ out of the corner of my eye. He was casually leaning against the wall, silently watching us.
Ellie must’ve tracked my thoughts, because she cleared her throat and addressed her fiancé. “Hey honey, you mind grabbing me a hot chocolate from upstairs? This concession stand has the best little marshmallows.” She flashed him a cutesy smile. “Please?”
He pushed off the wall, playfully rolling his eyes like he was annoyed with her request, but he loved doing any and all things for her. He was the definition of a golden retriever boyfriend and we all bagged on him for it. He was so whipped he even wore her new ponytails around his wrist so that they’d be the perfect level of stretchiness for her when she needed them. He walked toward us and leaned down to push a kiss into her hair before jogging to the stairs.
“Thanks,” I muttered as soon as he was out of sight.
She nodded. When the silence between us started to become a bit awkward, I realized what she was doing. She was waiting me out, wanting me to start talking.
And it worked.
The only problem was, once I started, I couldn't stop… And soon she knew all the details of mine and Claire’s relationship and everything that had transpired between us over the past decade.
When I finally got to the end of us, I blew out a defeated breath. “I’m just… freaking out about the whole thing,” I admitted.
She sighed. “Well, I’m not sure if you’ll take my advice or not because you’re very hard-headed–”
“Hey–” I started to complain, but she gave me a hard look that made me back down.
“Coaching gives me a pretty good perspective on y’all’s mindsets,” she smirked. “But anyways, I'm not sure if you’ll take my advice or not, but for me, the panic attacks didn’t really stop until I was in a more secure situation and I was given a bit of closure… but that’s just me.”
“So…” I searched her face for any clues. That was way too cryptic for me. “You’re saying I should… break up with her?”
Her face cracked in confusion. “How did you get that from what I just said?”
I rubbed a hand over my face. I felt like I was back in school trying to answer a teacher’s question correctly. “So, I should stay by her side at all times to make sure she’s safe then?”
She squinted at me and cocked her head to the side. “You may need help that is beyond me.”
I hung my head. “Well, I’m not really sure how to make the situationmore secure,” I told her using air quotes.
“Maybe you feel like she’s going to be the one who leaves you–” she pursed her lips at me and held up a hand to stop me from talking, “Notbecause death, Duke. I did not say that,” she said firmly. “What I mean is, maybe you’re scared that you were finally vulnerable with her and now if things don’t work out between you two, you’ll be crushed. So now you want to book it away from her. But maybe that’s not what you actually need? Maybe you actually need a secure and loving relationship with her?”
“That all sounds great, but–
“Callahan!” Coach’s voice boomed from the rink door. He was holding it open, waiting for me to join him in his little office connected to the practice rink.
