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This is why it’s all forbidden. Once you experience it, it’s impossible not to want it. It devours you whole.
I lash the belt over my shoulder, one and then the other, the leather cracking against old welts that are barely healed. When I bring it around my waist, I feel one of them split open, the warm trickle of blood against my skin, but I don’t stop.
I deserve this. I deserve pain, not pleasure. I took advantage of her. I should have been the stronger one.
I shouldn’t have been so weak.
With my other hand, I undo my pants, shoving them and my boxer briefs off so that I’m standing nude in the bathroom. My cock juts out in front of me, hard and throbbing. I lash my hips and thighs with the belt, the leather curling around to crack against my ass as I beat myself red with it, trying to force the throbbing need away with hot, burning pain.
When the belt catches the tip of my cock, I jolt forward, gripping the counter as I groan in pain, the head still oversensitive from Sasha’s mouth. Even the strike of the belt isn’t enough to soften my erection at the memory of that, of her tongue lashing around and over me, her green eyes looking hungrily up at me as she swallowed my cum–
“Enough!” I shout at my reflection in the mirror, bringing the belt up hard between my legs, the leather cracking against my cock and balls and sending me to my knees on the tile with pain I’ve never experienced before. “I have to–stop–”
I toss the belt aside, doubled over with pain, both external and internal. There’s only one thing in the world I’ve ever wanted for myself, and the cruel joke of it all is that I know now, as clearly as I possibly could, that the love I want from her, she wants to give me in return. Sashawantsme, and not just for pleasure. I remember her burrowing against my chest, her cheek pressing against me, the trusting way she let me hold her. I could have that every day. I could wake up next to her every morning, hold her in my arms, lose myself in her, and she wouldgladlygive that to me.
If only I could accept it without feeling the crushing guilt of my broken vows.
—
At some point, I manage to pick myself up off of the floor, returning to my room to dress. Viktor had asked me to meet him and Levin in his office at the mansion, and I wince, wondering if I’ll see Sasha. My intent is to avoid her as much as possible until enough time has passed that she won’t be as hurt–and for me to safely banish the memory of what we did here today.
I’ll make it a quick trip, straight to the office and back,I tell myself. I know Viktor will want me to stay for dinner, it’s been a while since I’ve joined them, and it makes me ache to think of missing out on that time with the family that has come to feel like my own.
It’s no one’s fault but my own. My punishment, for losing control.
The house is quiet when I walk in, and I head straight to Viktor’s office. He’s waiting inside, Levin sprawled in one of the leather chairs in front of his desk, and he glances up when he sees me walk in.
“Max. Good to see you.” He frowns. “Are you alright?”
I choose to assume he’s talking about my bruised nose and swollen lip, not the slight limp I’m walking with from my bruised balls. “I saw Sasha at the docks earlier. I was walking her back to my car to give her a ride home when we were jumped.” I sit down gingerly, running a hand through my hair. My lip throbs, more swollen now than it was before after my furious make-out session with Sasha in my bathroom.
My cock throbs, too, at that memory, and I wince as its attempt to harden sends a jolt of pain through me.
That’s one way to ensure my self-control.
“Jumped?” Levin leans forward, his brow creased with concern. He glances at Viktor. “This must have something to do with what we talked about earlier–about Angelo’s brother being in the States–”
Viktor frowns. “We shouldn’t jump to conclusions–but yes, it’s one hell of a coincidence.” He lets out a long sigh, rubbing his hand over his mouth. “Like I said earlier, Max, when I offered you protection, I knew it might bring danger to my doorstep. But you have to be prepared to take some responsibility for this.”
“I can leave.” I let out a breath. “I told you I would, if need be. I don’t want to put anyone here in danger–”
“Leaving isn’t going to fix it, not yet, anyway. If he’s coming for you, then he’s already aware of our connection. Max, I–” Viktor presses his lips thinly together, frustration clear on his face. “I haven’t brought this up before because I figured you needed time. I knew how important stepping away from your family name was for you, and I thought perhaps the threat might dissipate, in time. But it’s clear that it hasn’t. And now we need to address the issue at hand–that there’s a massive power vacuum left by the lack of an Agosti claiming the inheritance left for one of you.”
“It was never supposed to be mine.” I grit out the words, frustrated. Viktor and Levin are both well aware of my stance on this, but it’s clear that they’re long past agreeing with me.
“With your older brother dead, itismeant to be yours,” Viktor says tiredly. “Max, you’ve seen time and again how those of us in the Families do things we don’t wish to in order to preserve our legacies and the safety of those around us. We marry out of convenience. We start wars and make alliances, change business deals and gild palms. We do what we have to. And this, Max–this duty has fallen to you. As long as your estate in Italy and your inheritance goes unclaimed, there will be those out to hurt you for it.”
“But it’s more than that, too,” Levin interjects. “This is his revenge against you. If they’re going after Sasha, it’s because they know you care for her. They’ll use her against you. And before you say that you’re not with her or that you’ll put distance between the two of you, it doesn’t matter now. If she was jumped today, then he knows. Whoever he’s working with knows. So you have a decision to make. There’s power you can wield, if you took it–but you’re throwing it away with both hands.” Levin shakes his head. “You’re my friend, man. You know you are. But I can’t agree with what you’re doing here. Frankly, I think you’re being a fool. You’re clinging to vows that don’t matter and losing everything you could have as a result. Not just your own future–but the respect of those around you as well.” He stands up abruptly, pushing back his chair. “You know where I’ll be if you need me, Viktor.”
He leaves, shutting the door firmly behind him, and I’m left sitting there facing Viktor, who says nothing.
He doesn’t need to. I can see everything he’s thinking on his face.
And none of it is good.
16
SASHA
