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Instead, I hold myself there, forehead pressed to hers as I shudder against her, groaning her name against her lips.
Quickly, I strip my shirt off, cleaning up the mess as Sasha catches her breath, her thighs squeezed together in a way that tells me that it turned her on as much as it did me. “Here,” I say quietly, reaching for her zipper. “Let me help you with your dress.” I wince as I look at the streaks across it. “I’m sorry if we ruined it.”
Sasha laughs. “I’m sure the dry cleaner will knowexactlywhat happened,” she says with a smirk. “And I’m sure it’ll come out.” She shrugs off the sleeves as I tug down the zipper, and as the pale line of her back slides into view, I feel my cock twitch somehow, as if I didn’t just come mere seconds ago.
The only reason I’d dared undress her at all is because I was sure I wouldn’t be able to get hard again so quickly. I hadn’t bet on the fact that Sasha wouldn’t be wearing a bra under her dress. The moment I catch a glimpse of the soft curve of her breast and the hint of pink nipple, I turn away quickly, groaning as my cock starts to harden all over again.
“What–oh,” she says softly, holding the dress to her breasts. “Hold on, I’ll get a shirt.”
There’s a hint of disappointment in her voice, and I wish she knew how physically painful it isnotto look, how desperately I want to see her naked, to take in the sight of her perfect breasts, her perfect body, every perfect inch of her. I know it doesn’t make sense to turn away from that after I’ve seen her pussy, had my mouth on it and tasted her arousal as I licked her to two orgasms. Still, something tells me that if I see her naked, I won’t be able to stop myself. I’m half-hard already, and I know it won’t be Sasha who stops us.
It has to be me who keeps this from going further than it already has.
“Okay.” She tosses me an oversized shirt, and I turn to see that she’s wearing one, too, long enough to come down to mid-thigh. She starts taking off her jewelry as she sits cross-legged on the bed, the edge of the shirt just covering the apex of her thighs. I know with a painful certainty that she’s not wearing any panties under it.
I yank on the shirt and start to turn away from the bed, only for Sasha to make a small sound of distress.
“Please don’t go yet,” she says softly. “Don’t just–do that, and leave again.”
I hesitate, logic and desire warring with each other. I know exactly how much of a struggle it will be to stay here longer and not end up inside of her. I want her so badly it hurts, but at the same time, it feels wrong to let my desires control me so thoroughly. If she wants the comfort of me next to her, after what she’s been through tonight, then I can at least get a grip on my own arousal long enough to give her that.
“Alright,” I concede, sliding onto the bed next to her again. We’re lying face to face once more, and I let my hand rest gently on her waist, holding her close enough that we’re almost touching, but not quite. “What did you mean, earlier?” I ask quietly, resting my head on the pillow next to hers. “When you said you wanted it to be me. Did you mean what we did tonight?”
Sasha bites her lower lip, her green eyes meeting mine. “Partially,” she says softly. “But I meant–I wanted you to be all of it. The one who isreallymy first, the first one Ichooseto be with. I’m not a virgin–but that wasn’t my choice. I’ve never been with someone who I wanted. And I wanted that to be you.” She hesitates, looking up at me under long, lowered lashes. “I didn’t know that you’d never done anything before, either. I thought maybe you had when you were younger–before you were a priest. I’d understand if you don’t want me because of that, because I’m not–”
My eyes widen, and I shake my head, pulling her closer despite my better judgment. “Absolutely not, Sasha,” I tell her firmly, sliding a finger under her chin to tilt it up, so that she can’t look away from me. “That has nothing to do with it. Do you understand me? I’m not a virgin for the sake of being a virgin, because I think it makes me better or worse than anyone else. It was a choice I made, knowing I would be depriving myself of something for the rest of my life and choosing not to know what I would be missing–like having one chance to eat chocolate, knowing you’d never be allowed to taste it again. I thought it was better to never know. But I wouldn’t care if you’d been with one man, or a dozen, or two dozen, or none at all. That doesn’t matter to me.”
Sasha lets out a sigh, a hint of defeat on her face, as if she’d actually been hoping that was it. “So it really is just your vow, then?” she asks softly. “You’re not a priest anymore, but you’re going to keep depriving yourself, even though there are no more rules about eating chocolate?”
My hand tightens on her waist despite myself, wanting desperately to slide lower, to caress the curves of her hip and her ass, to bring her leg over mine and push myself into her. I want her, every part of me aching for it, but I shove the desire back, forcing myself to stay very still. “I made a promise, Sasha,” I tell her quietly. “And I meant it. If I broke a vow so sincere, so important, a vow I meant to keep for the rest of my life, how could you ever trust anything I would say again? How could I stand here and hear you tell me that I’m a good man, knowing that I gave up my integrity for a moment of pleasure?”
“It wouldn’t just be a moment,” Sasha whispers, her eyes glistening in the lamplight. “Iwantyou, Max. Not just for one night. I want you every day, every minute, forever. What about that kind of vow? Wouldn’t that mean something?”
Hearing her say that makes my heart ache in a way I’ve never felt before, with a pain I’ve never experienced. Like Eve in the garden, I can see her holding out the temptation, the thing I want more than anything else in the world.
But I don’t know how I could take it and live with myself.
“No one’s touched me since the men who hurt me,” she says softly. “All I want is for you to be the one that I choose–for all of it.”
I reach up, gently smoothing her hair away from her face. “And that’s exactly why I can’t be,” I tell her, wishing more than anything that I could stop being the reason for the hurt in her eyes. “I’d only hurt you again when I can’t give you what you want in the end. When I’d have to walk away, knowing I’d betrayed myself–and hurt you.”
“We can’t be together,” I tell her quietly, but when she leans towards me, tears catching in the creases of her lips, I can’t stop myself from letting her kiss me.What’s one more kiss?I tell myself as her mouth skates over mine, tender and intimate. I find myself craving it like air, like water–one more kiss, one more touch. At some point, I turn off the light, and I lie there holding her, mouths brushing against each other until, at long last, we fall asleep.
19
SASHA
For the first time, I wake up next to someone else in the morning, in the same bed as me. Max is sleeping next to me, his lashes dark against his cheeks, snoring softly as I blink my eyes open. I glance at the clock, seeing that it’s a half hour before my alarm is supposed to go off, and I gently shake him, knowing he should probably leave before the rest of the house wakes up. It’s not that anyone would care–just that we’d never hear the end of it if Max came downstairs in a shirt clearly different from what he normally wears, having obviously just woken up.
“Max,” I whisper his name, lightly brushing my lips over his. “Max, wake up.”
He groans, rolling onto his back, his eyes flicking open a moment later. I feel a wave of sadness, because I know in a moment he’ll get up, and there’s no guarantee we’ll do this again. In fact, it’s more likely that we won’t.
“What’s wrong?” He turns towards me, catching a glimpse of the look on my face. “Sasha?”
I bite my lip, turning away. “I just–” I suck in a breath, feeling suddenly very tired, down to my bones. “I feel like it’s impossible for me to be normal. Both of my dates went horribly–I have no desire to see him again ever, and no reason to think it’s going to be any different with someone else. I’ve been attacked twice in a matter of days, and I have no idea who it is or why they want to hurt me.” I press the heels of my hands against my eyes, feeling a sense of despair start to wash over me. “I want to heal, and it feels impossible. Everything I want is just–”
“I’m sorry,” Max says quietly, sitting up behind me. “I’m sorry for my part in all of this–”
