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“No!” I bite the word out, turning towards him with a sudden wave of frustration. “You still don’t get it, do you? You’re the only one who makes itbetter, the only thing that helps. You make me feel safe and whole, and–” I lean towards him, wanting to kiss him again, but he gently moves away, stopping me.
I let out a frustrated breath. “Are we back to this?”
“Sasha.” Max’s voice is almost stern, frustration in his tone, too. “You knew last night was just that. I told you–”
“I know.” I run my hands through my hair, for the first time in a long time, wishing I had the day off, that I could just curl up in my room and stay there, hide away from the world. “I know.”
“I want to help.” Max looks at me helplessly. “I care about you, Sasha. You know I do. What can I–”
I have a sudden idea, and I look at him, biting my lip nervously. “Take me out on a date. Asfriends,” I add quickly, when I see the expression on his face. “I want to know what it’s like to havefunon a date. I definitely haven’t had any so far.”
I can see the hesitation on his face, but after a moment, he nods. “I’ve never been on one either,” he says with a small laugh. “Unless you count the bar with Levin.”
“I don’t,” I tell him firmly, and his grin spreads across his face.
“Alright then,” he agrees. “A date–as friends.”
—
I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I hoped it would turn into something else. But even if the date was only as friends, I was still eagerly looking forward to a night with him. It took me longer to get ready than it took me for either of the dates with Nick, trying on dress after dress until I finally settled on the semi-casual green tank dress and my studded sandals, slipping the emerald earrings into my ears. My clutch that I’d dropped when I’d been dragged into the alley was a lost cause, along with my phone, which Caterina insisted on replacing. I’d agreed with one condition–I changed my number so that there was no chance of Nick getting ahold of me.
My first experience dating–and ghosting someone.
I added light makeup and ran a brush through my hair, leaving it straight and shiny down my back, and then headed down the stairs to find Max. To my surprise, when I saw him at the foot of the stairs, he was wearing a dark grey button-down instead of his usual black, although his chinos were the same black as usual.
He’d grinned when he saw my eyes widen. “I thought I’d mix it up a bit,” he murmured to me, then took my arm and led me out to his car. “I do own a couple of shirts that aren’t black.”
Now we’re in a part of downtown that I haven’t been in before, with an array of boutique shops and bookstores that look like I could spend an entire afternoon just browsing through them. Max parks in a garage at the end of the street and comes around to open my door, glancing down at my shoes. “Can you walk a bit in those?” he asks, and I nod, looping my arm through his as we leave the garage. To my delight, he doesn’t pull away, letting us walk arm-in-arm down the street as I peek into the shop windows.
“Is there anything you won’t eat?” he asks me, glancing over as we start to near a line of restaurants, all of them smelling delicious. “Or that you’re allergic to?”
“Not that I know of. And I try to be adventurous and try new foods–I haven’t found anything Ihateyet, although beef tartare isn’t my favorite.” I can’t help but compare Max to Nick at that moment, who’d picked the restaurant without bothering to ask me any of those questions, and ordered everything except my entree without asking what I might want.
“Well, there’s a ramen shop here that I love.” Max nods towards a red-walled restaurant with an open-air patio and mouthwatering smells wafting out of it. “Have you tried ramen before?Realramen, I mean.”
I shake my head. “I haven’t.”
“Well, you’re in for a treat.” He opens the patio gate for me, pulling out a chair as we sit down and wait for the server. When she comes by with menus, I’m startled to see how inexpensive everything on the menu is–and secretly pleased and saddened all at once. It’s just one more reminder of how well-suited Max and I are for each other…and that, in the end, unless something drastic happens, nothing will come of it.
I don’t want someone who tries to wine and dine me and impress me with fancy dinners and expensive gifts and luxurious items. I can have that if I want it, where I live now. Caterina loves spoiling me as if I were her little sister, and Viktor’s lingering guilt could be played on for anything I wanted, although I’d never do that. I want someone who makes me laugh, who makes me feel safe, who brings me happiness in all the little moments we share together, no matter where we are or what we’re doing.
I want Max. And I don’t know if I’ll ever find someone like him again.
When the waiter comes around for our drinks, he asks for a Sapporo, and I order cold sake, looking through the flavors until I settle on cherry blossom. The list of ramen types is long, but Max helps me pick out something he thinks I might like. Then we sit on the patio with our drinks in the warm early summer evening, and for a brief moment, I think I’ve never been happier in my entire life.
“You know,” Max says conversationally, glancing over at me, “I’m always surprised by how well you seem to be able to navigate life.”
I look at him, startled. “What do you mean?”
He shrugs, taking a sip of his beer. “I mean–you’ve had these terrible things happen to you. Things most people couldn’t survive. No one would blame you if you just curled in on yourself and gave up–if you didn’t have any light left in you. But you’re the exact opposite. Despite everything, you still look at the world as if there’s so much good in it. Look at what you did with Viktor–not only did you forgive him, but now you take care of his children. You find happiness where most people wouldn’t be able to find any at all. It’s inspiring, really.” He looks over at me, smiling faintly. “I’m lucky that I know you, Sasha.”
I bite my lip hard, willing myself not to cry, not to ruin the moment with tears. “I feel the same way about you,” I tell him softly. “I don’t know all the details of what you’ve done, but I know you struggle with it. I know that being a priest meant a lot to you, that you devoted your life to it, and now that’s gone. But you keep trying to do good, to do the things that were at the root ofwhyyou became a priest, and that’s impressive.” I let out a small sigh, taking a sip of my sake. It’s light and sweet, perfect for the evening. “I know there’s contention between us, about what we should be to each other–that I want more than you’re willing to give right now…maybe ever. But the fact that you lost your collar and still try to adhere to what you promised–it really is impressive. So many people would have thrown themselves into a different life, been angry and resentful, and indulged in everything they’d been denied.” I smile at him, reaching out to tap my glass against his. “I’m lucky I know you, too, Max. You’re a good man–probably the best one I’ve ever known so far.”
Our food comes, wafting steam into the air as the waiter sets it in front of us. I take a hesitant sip of the broth, my eyes widening. “Oh my god, this is amazing!”
“I told you,” Max says with a grin. “Now you’re going to want to come here all the time, too.”
“Only if it’s with you.”
