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I’d never had it, in fact. It had been nothing more than an illusion.
Maybe it wouldn’t have bothered me as much if I hadn’t seen what life could be like after it all. If Rainier hadn’t given me a chance to redeem myself, and I’d never met Hazel and Vanya, and learned that they could save Conjurites, I might not have tasted the bitterness of disappointment.
I’d seen the other side now. I’d seen how good the Fae could be to each other, and to me. I’d seen what life in the light could be like, and I’d nearly tasted it myself. I’d come so close…only for it to be taken away with a threat that still stood.
I stomped into the castle, wired and on edge. Anger and frustration bubbled just beneath the surface, and I felt like I was a ticking time bomb, ready to explode.
“You!” I shouted at a guard who stood on duty nearby.
He ran forward to me and bowed his head. “Sir?”
“We’re sparring. Now. Find someone to relieve you of your duty.”
The guard nodded and ran away to do my bidding.
I itched for a fight. I had to get rid of the pent-up energy inside of me.
I walked to my quarters and dressed in fighting leathers so I could meet the guard. Gone were the days where taking out my mood on innocent victims was encouraged—no, expected—by Falx. I was still a prisoner to the darkness, but at least I could decide what effect I had on the people around me. I didn’t have Falx forcing me into cruelty day in and day out. It was a small blessing, and for that, I was grateful.
My mind turned to Hazel. I hadn’t expected her in the garden, and I’d taken out my foul mood on her. She hadn’t deserved it, but she hadn’t fled from me, either.
It would have been better if she had—what could I possibly offer a woman like her?
Sex, that was what. Every time I saw her, I envisioned having her horizontal beneath me, my cock hammering into her. I wanted to fuck her. I wanted to kiss her and suck her and lick her. She would taste like the heaven I would never find. She would unleash a beast inside of me that would take her to the seven realms of hell and back.
I wanted her so badly, I trembled with need for her.
My cock punched up in my pants just thinking about her.
The other night had been terrible, wanting to claim her, take her, and fighting myself. My mind was a dark place, my needs and wants ugly.
She deserves better,a part of me said.
It doesn’t matter what she deserves, it matters what you want,another part of me argued.
I hated that I thought of her that way. She really did deserve better—better than me, better than anything I could ever give her. She wasn’t only beautiful and graceful, the kind of woman who would be a pure treasure on my arm. She was smart and bold, and her confidence in herself had grown since I’d seen her last. She’d become a force to be reckoned with, her power strong and within reach. It was ready at her fingertips, and she could summon it at will. She could have summoned it against me when we’d met this morning. She could have pushed me away when my power had descended on her, challenging her.
Hazel wasn’t like that. She didn’t look for trouble and pick fights. She’d had more than one opportunity to do that with my power challenging her. She was kind and forgiving—especially the latter, since she didn’t look at me with pure hatred after what I’d put her and Vanya through while they’d been in the dungeons, here.
How could Hazel look at me without disdain?
Instead, she looked at me with wonder, and I was drawn to her. It seemed that she was drawn to me, too, and that was a problem.
What did I have to offer her? Nothing but pure darkness. Hazel was filled with light, and she had so much good to offer the world. She could never be with a man like me, a man ruled by a power beyond my control. If I was with her, she would be subjected to Cyrene’s whims, just as I was.
I couldn’t do that to her. Finding companionship, friendship, even love, in a woman like Hazel would only drag her down. Our lives would clash, and I would never want her to choose darkness over the power she had now.
I grunted while I dressed, furious at everything I was losing. I’d given up the light so many years ago, knowing what I was giving up. I’d expected nothing but a life in the shadows, and it was exactly what I’d gotten.
Everything was different now. I’d expected more. I’d had hope. I’d believed I could return to the light, and I’d met people I wanted to become closer to. I’d thought I would gain something along with the freedom I had.
To have it stripped away from me now was so much worse than when I’d given it all up in the first place.
Thinking about it made it harder to breathe. I had a pain in my chest, lodged between my ribs, that wouldn’t go away. I scowled and pressed my fingers against my ribs, but disappointment wasn’t the same as a physical injury, and it wouldn’t heal and go away after a while.
The guard was dressed and ready when I walked out to the field where the warriors often trained. We called it a field, because that was what it had once been, but it was nothing more than a large patch of dust with rocks that cut and bruised when the warriors fell onto it.
Rainier had large training facilities at the palace in Jasfin, and I was jealous. When I’d seen them, I’d decided I would have something similar built at the castle, but I hadn’t come as far as having someone draw up plans to make it happen.
