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Until a moment ago, leaving hadn’t been an option. She was here, and my duty was to protect my family, the people I loved. The palace was the only home I knew.
I just couldn’t be here anymore when it was filled with doubt and rejection and pain.
After showering and getting dressed in fresh clothes, I walked to Ren’s office. I knocked and waited for the call to enter.
“Dex, what’s wrong?” Ren asked.
Of course he knew something was wrong right away—that was how well we knew each other. It was why I had to go, because Nylah and I didn’t know each other like that anymore, and she didn’t want to know me.
“I have to go,” I said. “I have to get away from here.”
“What’s wrong?” Ren repeated. He stood from his desk and walked around it, coming to me. I took a step back. I was barely keeping myself together—emotionally after Nylah, and physically after I’d just about trained myself to death.
“I can’t be here with her being like this,” I said.
“I understand. It’s tough. She’s still in there, but…” His voice trailed off when I winced as he started talking about her. “It will get better with time, but I agree, a few days off will do you good, just to get away from the palace and everything here. I can organize with Lars to take over your—”
“I’m not just leaving for a few days,” I interrupted.
Ren blinked at me. “What?”
“I’m leaving for good. I wanted to ask if you could station me in one of the cities. I can train there, do some good. I can still be useful to the throne. I just can’t be here.”
“Dex, let’s not be hasty,” Ren said. “Sit down, let’s talk.” He walked to an armchair, but I shook my head.
“I’d rather stand, if you don’t mind.”
Ren looked worried. “It’s serious if you want to leave. What’s going on?”
“I told you about the woman I started seeing a while ago,” I said.
Ren nodded.
“It’s Nylah.”
“What?” Ren asked, confused. Hadn’t Ellie told him what was going on? “I thought… I don’t know what I thought. I didn’t know. How could this…” His face changed, and I saw how it dawned on him. “I see. It hurts seeing her like this.”
“Didn’t Ellie tell you?”
“She tried, but I told her I didn’t want to know. It hurts me, too. I asked her not to share anything with me for a while, just until I wrap my mind around it all, and the truth is, I’m not ready to face any of it.” He snorted. “Some king I am, huh?”
“Have you seen Nylah?” I asked.
Ren shook his head, his sadness palpable. “She doesn’t want to see me. She’s pushing everyone away.” His words held so much pain, my heart went out to him.
I didn’t answer. It was hard on all of us to lose someone we’d been so close to. It was harder than dealing with death because she was still here, she just wasn’t Nylah anymore. Not the way she used to be.
“I understand you’re going through a difficult time,” Ren said. “Trust me, I get it. The pain can’t be enough to drive you away, though, can it?”
“It’s not just that it hurts seeing her like this,” I said. “It’s everything. The memories she doesn’t have, the relationship that isn’t there anymore… She wants nothing to do with me, and I can’t do this.”
Ren shook his head. “You can’t just leave, Dex. This is your home. We’re your people.”
“I know. I’ll come back again one day. I just need to get away for a while so that I can clear my head. So that I can clear my heart.”
“Are you sure this is what you want?” Ren asked. His face filled with concern again.
I nodded, surer than ever.
