AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“I don’t want you to be sorry; I want you to stay.” I can see the puddle of teardrops gather by her face. Clinging to her hair, making her look sweaty with sadness. But even in her voice, I can hear her start to accept my absence. In her face, I can see the tragedy play out to one where she is alone.
“Babe, you’ve got to let me do this.” I watch as she flips over to her back and stares at the ceiling. I pray she accepts this decision.
“It’s not my choice, honey. You’ve already made that for yourself.” She takes a deep breath and stands, leaving the flowers on the ground. Phoebe goes to her computer, sits down, and finishes her emails. I wait until she is done. Maybe we can talk; perhaps I can clear the air better. Our breakup doesn’t have to be wrong; it doesn’t have to be a battle. We can remain friends, put the romantic idea on hold for now.
“I couldn’t tell you I was unhappy. You knew I wouldn’t say it.” I am the happiest I have ever been in my life. Everything I say is a lie. But it gets my point across. “You live in your fucking head because it’s safer there than out here with me in the real world. I did this because you wouldn’t see it. Phoebe, you wouldn’t listen to everything I couldn’t say.” It’s strange how those words aren’t mine but my father’s.
“Pride is slowly going to drown you into isolation.” Her eyes remain on the screen. But I know she can’t blink fast enough to clear her tears to actually see.
“You know what I see in my future, Phoebe? I see me, and nowhere in my sight do I see you. There isn’t room for you where I’m going because you ruin it with your unrealistic optimism.” Everything I love most about her, I turn it into hate. I shove it in her face, and I don’t know why I do it because, when I say those words, they make my spirit want to die.
I remember how my father grabbed my arm to pull me back down when I said I was going to check on Phoebe. He said I should learn my place, and she should learn hers.
My father once told me the best thing about me was my obedience. He said it would take me far doing what I was told.
“Okay, Enzo.” Phoebe stands, her hands out, cautious about approaching me. “Please stop speaking. I don’t know what happened; if you want to leave, you are free to go. But please quit hurting me because I am in the way.” Phoebe goes to the bathroom and locks the door.
Our last day is spent walking on boardwalks, taking pictures of thermal pools, more geysers, and wildlife. I watch her, silent all day. Phoebe seems lost, and I know I was the one who pointed her in the wrong direction. When she drops me off to catch a bus back early, I ask if we can keep in touch, be friends.
“Sure, Kenzo. We can be friends.” I open my arms, and she hugs me. We say goodbye, and the minute I am on the bus away from her, I feel like I left everything I ever loved behind for something I was told I should want.
I tell her I will call her when I can after I check-in at the base. My dad convinced me to sign up for the Navy; I am due to report in two days. It’s been a month since I snuck away and signed my life away for the next four years.
Phoebe doesn’t wait for the bus to pull away; I don’t expect her to, but still, I watch out the window as she starts walking back down the road to the tiny cabin we rented. I need her to turn around and show me she hasn’t given up on me. I wonder if I ask too much of her, and maybe what Phoebe really needs is to forget me. She doesn’t owe me anything, and I think I finally realized the debt I feel towards her made me resent what we had.
All because I thought it was wrong.
Chapter 7
Phoebe
57.2736° N, 6.2155° W Isle of Skye, Scotland
“BryceCanyon,Canyonlands,CapitolReef, Carlsbad Caverns, Channel Islands, Congaree.” I wait in line to board my connecting flight to Scotland. I list off another round of national parks to keep my mind distracted from the empty shadow next to me.
I cannot hold forgiveness as a hostage. I pretend everything is fine. I pretend that Enzo was a part of my life for four years and now he has made the choice not to be. My heart is broken, but I don’t hate him for it. I pity him for thinking it was the only way to leave me.
“What was that?” A guy in a business suit pulls out his earbuds.
“Oh nothing, I was talking to myself.” I close my mouth as he nods and goes back to his world, and I go back to mine. If I were in a better mindset, I might try to engage in chitchat. He has a cat tattoo on the side of his neck when he clearly is a dog person.
But I stop myself; I don’t absorb his backstory because I don’t want to share mine now.
I think I forgot to enjoy the moment.
When your head, Enzo, rested on my lap, your voice echoed along the wooden beams. Yet, your breath simmered slowly; I caught my own in my throat. I convinced myself this wasn’t it. We had tomorrow to conquer.
My heart begs to remember, yet my eyes close to forgetting.
Not enough, too much.
Slowly, we splinter off and begin to fade away.
The attention I receive quenches a little bit of thirst. Don’t call it vulnerability. I wasn’t counting on being included in the heartbreak experiment you enjoyed performing. It just happened, and I knew it would be the last one day.
This is the first time I pretend I don’t love you. The first time my finger runs along with the shape of your face, and I beg my body to remove itself from wanting to gain your approval.
My heart still remembers the familiar ache between my legs, how it thumped the same when you fled my side each time you chased after your own fears.
