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“I know, I know.” My sister fixes her hair before she tells me more. “But Darian was asking about you too. She wants to make amends.”
“What are you doing right now, Sumi? Trying to get me back together with an ex-girlfriend who literally left me stranded in a different state?” I stop walking, and she stops too. The others keep going, and I am mad at myself for getting my hopes up, for thinking she would show up after what I did to her, after what I did to us.
“No, of course not.” My sister pulls out a piece of paper and puts it in my hand. “Here, you don’t have to do anything. If you want to reach out, you can, even just to talk to Darian.”
My hand is left holding a piece of paper, with a number I never plan on calling. Kasumi joins my other sister and parents. The short hair on my skin start to prickle, reaching for her. The crowds are walking everywhere and then I feel her. I know it’s her. My body always knows when she is close. It has become comfortable with her biology.
Phoebe came. Of course she came because I had been waiting for her just like she was waiting for me.
I go up on my toes and stretch my neck above until I find her. She’s twenty yards away, but I would know her anywhere. She sees me, and it is the saddest smile I have ever seen on her face. I go back to flat feet and take a few steps forward; she doesn’t move; she doesn’t rush me.
“Kenzo, we only have a few hours.” It’s my father’s voice that makes me stop. It’s a split second when I turn my head to hang on a minute, but when I turn back, Phoebe is missing.
“Shit.” I mumble it under my breath. This can’t be happening; I have so much still to say. I brush past people; I spin in circles, trying to find where she could have gone.
But she has disappeared.
“Kenzo.” My dad puts a hand on my shoulder, stopping me from moving.
“Dad—just give me a second; I need to talk to someone.” I try to keep walking and move past him, but he stops me again.
“Kenzo, your sisters and mother and I flew out to see you. We only have a few hours with you. It would be rude not to spend time with your mother before you get your assignment on where you will be stationed.” It’s his smile that kills my expedition to find Phoebe. His smile tells me that he is finally proud of me and has given his name respect.
I wanted to tell Phoebe I didn’t leave because I was looking for something else to replace her. I was whole; she did that for me. She gave me the opportunity. I wanted to tell her I left because I felt I had done everything I could during travel, and it was time to try something different.
“Yeah, of course, Dad.” I have to keep my head down the whole way to the car. If I lift it up, I’ll look for her and turn my head to find her. I will go to her and won’t make the mistake of leaving her ever again.
Chapter 9
Phoebe
41.4080° N, 92.9164° W Pella, Iowa
Tulips.
You once told me it was your sister’s favorite flower. I don’t see the appeal of the short-lived specimen. If it were Zinnias, at least they’ve got time on their side. But then again, I was always a sucker for longevity.
It doesn’t make me hate these precious bright spring colors of reds, yellows, and pinks. They are giddy with their bloom. They are free in their growth. Children run past me down the paved walkway. Giggling with the buzzing bees and chasing butterflies. Their parents are casual behind them, holding hands and staring at the sky.
I steal a spot in their solitude. My camera snaps a few candid pictures of their simple joy. For a few more minutes before they fade into their reality and I stay on my own, I can breathe relief.
Is this it?3 words, infinite possibilities.
Is this it?The last sentence to the ending of the only loving relationship I have to my name.
The butt of every joke nobody wants to laugh at.
Is this it?Mine happened as a statement. A plague that took over me and left me starving; settlements were inside my bones in the depth of dark blood. One for never before spouse, one for your negative presence father, another and maybe the direst was a payment of my twenties only having you as the main character.
Where had the fields of smiles I planted and watered, hoping they would grow each day? Where was my belief in those wishes?
Is this it? It came from you, Enzo. And you held more bounty than my own. Your dreadlocks and broken blunts rolled and licked with the heartbreak of conformity. Downcast eyes leveling unspoken torture, one torn by the victims of awareness.
We found each other the same way fevers feed on new hosts. We simply need something beautiful to survive. It was bound to happen. Eroding ourselves, yet there was a mirror of ache, of understanding. All we needed and thirsted for most was to be loved and understood.
I met you in a way I shouldn’t have. I was walking out to my car in the middle of the night. The parking lot was bright from streetlights.
There you were next to my car; a woman shouted, slapping you square in the face as you backed up.
