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But she just nods and makes a list.
“How is your camera?”
“Need a new strap; I wonder if we can start here and go down the list. We’ll need to bring the tripod for the last few shots. Is your boyfriend able to help?”
“You want to do all ten of them in a row?”
“Yeah, you busy?”
She hasn’t gone on location with me in more than three months.
“I will contact the clients and then arrange for my daughter to stay with my mother.” Elle grabs her jacket and ties it around her waist.
“Enzo…did he reach out?” I fumble with his name. I have thought about him a lot lately.
“Yes, of course he did. He didn’t know about the attack until a few days ago. Kenzo said he went hunting with his friend for a few weeks. But he had to leave, so he couldn’t come by. I’m sorry, Phoebe, he said he wanted to be here. He had a contract to be somewhere else.”
I shake my head at her and smile, waving off the situation. I bite my bottom lip, not caring about the tears in my eyes.
“It’s okay, don’t be sorry. He is a man, Elle. They go where they want to go; he would have been if he wanted to be here.” I always accept those facts. But I have one more question before she leaves. “Elle?”
“Yes, Phoebe?”
“Why don’t you go by Radhesh, your Indian name?” I hold my mug in my hand, watching the swirl of the liquid.
“Because I’m not him anymore.” I don’t think I understand the statement until now. My assistant tucks away the tablet in her bag.
“Bring your daughter with us, Elle. Life is too short to not spend time with the ones you love.” I tell her to lock the door when she leaves. I go into my office, shut the door, and scoot against the wall. I grab the remote and flick on the spotlights to the picture frames hanging over the room. It is dark, besides these tiny lights glowing on the edges of the scenery.
Many of the pictures I took are with Enzo. Even the camera that fell into the river in the Everglades stands like a trophy in a display case. All of these experiences remind me of him, but it retells me of who I am. It doesn’t hurt my heart that he isn’t here; I’m glad he isn’t. I don’t want to see his face when he realizes he might have lost me.
It is better this way.
I promise myself it is the truth.
Chapter 21
Kenzo
31.9211° N, 104.8848° W Guadalupe Mountains National Park
Ifeltlikeanidiot for not answering. It wasn’t until I saw the news, I knew her frantic calling was because she was there in the midst of the firefight. I searched for the bullets, but somehow, they always missed me and ricocheted to where Phoebe was. I wanted the pain; the punishment made me feel brave, reminded me I was alive. That I was doing something worth dying for.
I didn’t answer because I was drowning in my own self-pity. But it was hurting the people I loved most. I told myself I would call her later. We would touch base at a different time, maybe tomorrow. I guess karma wasn’t on my side because there might not have been a tomorrow for Phoebe.
It should have been a wake-up call; it should have slapped me out of my state of thinking that I needed to do this before I could do anything else. First, it was hunting, with no cell phone service, then back to go do a job Connors contracted me for.
I was embarrassed that it was three months before I even had a chance to listen to her voicemail from that day. Even worse, I was ashamed for hearing it at all.
I wonder if she remembers the last thing, I said to her was I love everything about her. I hope she knows I wasn’t lying; it has always been my truth.
Rachelle was the one who told me, but I told her it couldn’t be. But then Phoebe’s picture was on the news, and I was running out of excuses and promises to stay away.
My mom said she would check on Phoebe to ensure she was okay. I trusted her to do so. But as usual, I was being faced with wrong choices. I saw the voicemail; it stayed on my phone for weeks before I got the courage to listen to it.
My first reaction should have been to leave and find Phoebe, make sure she was still alive, breathing. I needed to know; I should have flown to save her. It seems the past years, all I was doing was trying to save myself.
I couldn’t do it.
