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I replaced my worry with fear. Fear if I got too close, I might lose myself entirely. But this wasn’t about me; fuck, it never had been, if I was being honest. It was about Phoebe, the woman I loved, and I was out here trying to learn and adapt to become a better man for myself. To finally feel like I deserved a spot in her life and earned it by being the best I could be.
Rachelle sent out their itinerary for the next few weeks. Even for Phoebe, this schedule was extensive. She had everything planned out, even meal breaks.
When I got back from the contract job overseas with Connors, I immediately flew to Texas to see her. But what I was hoping for a warm welcome was the exact opposite.
“You didn’t ask if I was okay. You didn’t call, text; you didn’t send a telegram. Fuck, men getting shot at, watching the atomic bomb come down on our ancestors had time to warn others. But you couldn’t even fucking do that, could you? Too busy playing sailor to be a savior. Ironic, isn’t it?” Phoebe sees me, gets to me first, and without a proper hello.
“Phoebe.” I reach out to calm her.
“Don’t fucking touch me.”
“Is everything okay?” Rachelle and her boyfriend come out of the second tent, a little girl behind them.
“Why is he here, Elle?”
“I came to see you, to be with you.”
“What, Enzo, to rescue me? You never came to rescue me before, so why start now? I saved myself, like every other time you decided to leave. I didn’t ask you to come here, I don’t know who did, but I can assure you it was a mistake.”
“Phoebe, I know you are hurting and angry; I am just trying to help.” I stay where I am as she walks in a circle, feeling closed in even though we are outdoors.
“Why does everyone think I am angry? I’m not mad, not about the situation, that is. At you, though, I don’t see it ever changing.” Phoebe has her shoulders back, and she is strong even now against me. We used to be on the same side, fighting the same war. But now she sees me as the enemy, and she won’t let me cross that line.
“Babe, can you please hear me out.” I am begging at this point. “I am asking for a second chance. Can you give me that?”
“I am asking you not to make me choose.”
“Is there someone else? Do you love another person? Am I too late, Phoebe?” Maybe I am too late to ask for forgiveness.
“I don’t love myself, Enzo. I don’t love myself, and you want to know the truth. There will never be anyone else. But that doesn’t change that I wish I died in that hotel in Brazil instead of those people. I could never love another human more than I love you. But the lack of love for me ruins any future chances with you.”
Phoebe is in tears.
“It’s okay if you don’t love yourself; I’m not looking for another plan.” I need her to know, I’ve never had another one. “I can carry the weight of loving you until you can again.”
When will I stop worrying about what the world expects of me? When am I going to stop being scared to say yes to her?
“When are you going to wake up, Enzo? I left you a fifteen-minute voice message, pouring my heart out on the darkest days. And you know what you did?”
“I ignored you for three months.” The hunting didn’t matter; the job didn’t matter. She feels like I did it on purpose, but I don’t think trying to convince her I had no other options at the time will make her forgive me.
“Exactly.” She smiles, and it isn’t sweet; it is sinister.
“I still have those messages. I saved them. I listen to them to feel closer to you. To know that all you wanted was me to make it better, all you wanted was us, and I couldn’t be there for you.
“You chose not to, Enzo.”
“You’re right. I chose not to. I chose to break your heart to ruin us. I chose that. But it doesn’t mean it didn’t matter to me. Phoebe, you’ve been everything to me since I left. And I’m sorry it took so long. I’m back. I’m here.” Fuck, I get on my knees and plead with her.
“Well, I don’t need you anymore. So I don’t know why you came here at all. Does your daddy know you are here? Shouldn’t you be home courting some woman your father approves of? Like some bitch who waits around on her man?”
“Stop, Phoebe, this isn’t you, baby.” I turn my head side to side at what I am hearing.
“No, you stop. Stop calling me, stop showing up. I don’t want to talk to you. I tried that, and you didn’t answer. Stop being here when you aren’t supposed to be. I need you to leave and never come back. Promise me you will this time? For good.”
“I could never promise that.” I grab her hands and hold them against my chest, but she breaks away from me. Phoebe is quiet for a few minutes until she lifts her head and stares out to the bare mountain. “You blame me, good, then keep yelling at me for not being there when you needed me. Tell me, Phoebe, how much I hurt you, but please, don’t shut me out.”
“I never blamed you, honey.” I can see her emotions change; she walks over to me, puts a hand to my face before recoiling again. “I only blamed myself for existing.”
