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“Yes, I did. I’ve done it before, and I would be foolish to think I won’t do it again. That is life here, and you would do well to understand that.” Kit’s voice came out flat, as if he felt nothing, as if he had no emotions at all.
But Iknewthat wasn’t true. Maybe I was an idiot, maybe I put too much faith in him, but I’d seen real feelings from him. The flashes in my head, the sadness as he spoke about the woman he’d loved, it all said he wasn’t this empty thing he wanted to pretend to be.
“You’re a coward,”I signed.
“You don’t know anything. I don’t see you standing up to the Warden and defying her directly.”
“No, but I’m at least honest about how I feel in private. I don’t hide behind some fake mask. Is it really that easy for you? To hurt others, to betray your own kind, and for what? For a nicer cage?”
The look he gave me was no longer flat, and I missed that emotionless expression for a moment. It was better than the anger he offered me now. “You think I did that because I want material possessions?”
I stared around his place, at the niceties I’d seen in no other rooms. He had a stove, a large television, leather couches. His behavior had bought him a lot of luxuries, it seemed to me.
He made a sound that reminded me of a bear before walking to shelves along one wall. He picked up a vase that seemed well-made and expensive. “You think I care about this?” He threw it, and it crashed against the far wall, shattering into pieces. He picked up another, this time a crystal bowl that held dried flowers. “This? Agiftfrom the Warden after sending me on a mission that kept replaying in my head for months afterward. I spent so much time with screaming in my head that I couldn’t silence. I didn’t want it.” He threw it, hitting the same place the vase had, the bowl ending up in just as many tiny pieces.
A sting in my arm made me flinch, but I ignored it. Whatever the cause wasn’t nearly as dangerous as Kit, so I wouldn’t take my attention from him.
He swiped his arm over the shelf, knocking all the rest of the fancy decor to the ground. “I didn’t want any of this. I didn’t ask for any of it. The Warden likes to send it to remind me of my place, like a pet she likes to spoil when it serves her well.”
“So why do it all?”
“Because I don’t have a choice.”
“Everyone has a choice.”
“You say that because you don’t understand.” He sighed, then picked up a photo. I expected it to join the other items, but it didn’t. He stared down at the picture, his eyebrows drawn toward each other, deep lines etched into his forehead. He moved his fingers down the image.
I came closer, needing to see what could draw that expression from him.
A woman was there with short, dark hair and bright blue eyes. Was this the woman he’d loved? She looked similar, but it wasn’t who I’d seen in my vision before.Even if so, I still didn’t understand. She was gone—why would that make him do anything? She couldn’t be used against him if she was dead.
He shook his head. “This is my daughter.”
And that was the last thing I’d ever expected to hear…
* * * *
Kit
Looking at the picture soothed me as much as it hurt. It was always like that, though. I kept it, along with the others, on a shelf to look at each day. When I walked around my place, I’d stop just so I could stare at that face, at the daughter I did everything for, the one I didn’t know at all. Perhaps it was dangerous sentimentality, but it almost made me feel as if she were a part of my life.
Hera didn’t respond, but she’d gone still.
Not that it surprised me. Something like me wasn’t associated with paternal feelings and offspring, after all.
Did I even have those feelings? It was difficult to know, to identify them after so many years.
“She’s twenty now, attending college in Florida,” I explained. “Human. She looks like her mother.”
Hera leaned closer to stare down at the picture, then turned to look at me.“This is what they use?”
I nodded. “Her name is Lilianna. Her mother picked it out. I didn’t love it at the time, but even I couldn’t win arguments against her.”
“How did you two…”She struggled at the end, as if not sure how to phrase it.
But her question was obvious. “Unnecessary pregnancy is frowned upon, but if Larkwood believes they might benefit from it, they have no problem allowing it. When they saw me with Jasmine, they removed the pregnancy blocks that prevented conception. I think they hoped to see what might happen if we had a child, if the child could inherit my skills.”
“I thought children of shades are born human.”
