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So why did I care when Hera did? Why did I want her to know that I wasn’t heartless, that I did what I did for something bigger than me? It didn’t change anything, wouldn’t help anyone. It was selfish, and yet I went on.
“I remember before I was sent to Larkwood, my pride at how strong I was. I remember thinking I could do anything, that I would use this strength for good. When I came to Larkwood, I still believed I could be something good. I walked that line, refusing to do anything that would cause harm, holding true to my own rules even as I tried to follow the old wardens’ orders. I told you before that walking that line was impossible, and I said it because I know. I tried. As soon as they had something to hold over me, all those morals meant nothing. That is why I’ve warned you not to have anything that can be used against you, because Larkwood will destroy you with it. I don’t want to seethat happen to you.” I placed the bandage, then sat back to give her space.
She stared at me, silent. The weight of her gaze made me fidget, as if she could see through me. Was this what people felt like when they looked into my eyes?
Finally, she lifted her hands to respond, signing slowly as if she had to consider her words closely.“I’m sorry.”
“Why are you apologizing? Last I checked, this is all my fault, not yours.”
She reached out slowly and set her hand on mine. It shook, betraying that she still feared me.
And wasn’t I pathetic for allowing it? Even knowing she feared me, even knowing she pushed herself to touch me, I accepted it, craved it. It was as if she warmed those deep, dark areas inside me, that empty void of hunger that created what I was. Even Jasmine hadn’t truly warmed it. I’d never shown it to her, too afraid to let her see all of me.
Hera had seen it, knew how deep it went, but faced it head-on. Maybe she was afraid, but she wasn’t running.
Which was far more than I deserved.
“I can’t say I approve of what you’ve done, but I understand it, at least. I don’t know if I’d do anything different if I was in your place, either.”
“You don’t need to defend me,” I answered honestly. “I know what I am, and I know that my behavior is selfish. I failed Lilianna, failed Jasmine and now I hurt others to ease my own guilt. Knowing that won’t change it, though. You should stay away from me, Hera, because I will follow the orders I receive in order to protect Lilianna. You should go and not come back here, because whatever you think I am, whateveryou think I can be, you’re wrong. I’ve accepted who and what I am.”
She pressed her lips together and lifted her chin. It nearly made me smile at the stubbornness in her, at the way she didn’t wilt even if she should have. She squeezed her hand on mine once more without moving. My gaze moved over her to the scar at her throat.
She’d suffered too, hadn’t she? She’d witnessed the darkness of the world, of Larkwood, and she hadn’t crumbled beneath that weight. She kept that light inside her, that purity, that strength.
If she could survive the darkness of Larkwood, maybe she could survive the darkness inside of me. Maybe it wouldn’t swallow her whole and destroy her as it had so many others?
I turned my hand to interlace my fingers with hers, unable to help myself. It was dangerous, and it might end up biting us both in the ass, but I was far too weak to let her go.
Chapter Thirteen
Wade
Talk about an uncomfortable conversation…
Knox crossed his arms as he stared at me. “You going to tell me why you’re here?”
“Aren’t we friends?” I offered a wide smile.
“Not even close. Also, having a void in my room makes me uneasy.”
I snorted. “Your little tricks don’t work on me. Don’t worry, I’m not interested in jumping you.”
“What a pity.” Knox’s words were full of sarcasm. He wasn’t interested in men and certainly not me, but at least the little jokes helped me feel a bit more at ease.
I walked further into his room, glancing around. I’d never been there because I’d never had a reason. We always met at Hera’s place on neutral ground.
Of course, I’d never had the good sense to feel like people had the home field advantage, so Knox’s place or anywhere else didn’t change how I felt.
“What’s that?” Knox nodded at the bag in my hand.
“Oh, right! I brought you a bribe.” I reached in and pulled out a package of crackers, the ones that Hera kept that I knew Knox liked, then tossed them over.
“What are you bribing me for?” Knox didn’t smile, though he caught the crackers.
“I need your help.”
“This conversation is starting to bore me,” Knox muttered and set the crackers down. “Can you please get to the point?”
