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I swallowed hard and nodded. Admitting the truth might have been stupid but denying Hera in any way felt wrong. I wouldn’t tell Nisha the name, but I wouldn’t hide my feelings, either. “Yeah. Just once.”
“It’s deeper than anything else, right? Even if things change, even if you’re apart, it’s more than that. It’s a commitment to stay together, to build a life together, to honor that no matter what.”
I frowned as I considered her words. I understood it in a weird way. I thought about Hera, about how she had slept with Brax and Deacon, that she loved both of them. Yet, I didn’t feel she loved me less because of that. It was more than something so trivial. My feelings for her, our relationship, were big enough for things like that not to matter. “I guess so,” I admitted.
“Then you should understand. What happens between us doesn’t change what I have with myhusband. They don’t have anything to do with one another. I just don’t want to feel so lonely anymore.”
But was that true? I accepted Hera having other loves in her life because she loved them, because they mattered to her. I doubted I’d feel the same way if she simply indulged in her desires without thought, with anyone she wanted.
The difference struck me then.
“Sex without love is empty,” I said.
She frowned, a deep crease appearing between her eyebrows. “What?”
“Love can overcome distance, it might be more important than any little problems, but that doesn’t change that sex without it is like a candy cane made of ice—it might resemble something more but lacks substance. As someone who understands sex well, I can say that with absolute certainty.” I cursed myself as I spoke, frustrated with my own lack of focus.
I was here to get the key, to ensure us an escape route, to follow a plan, and yet instead I risked it all by opening my mouth.
Shut up. Take off your pants and do what you’re good for.
Nisha blinked slowly, some of the lust that had swum in those eyes of hers cooling. “I never thought I’d hear something like that from you.”
“No one is more surprised than I am, trust me.” I let out a harsh laugh, frustrated with myself, with the way my brain warred with my incubus, the way I felt out of control and unable to bring either to heel. I turned my face toward the sky once again, trying to imagine a future where I could feel this all the time. If we succeeded, I could have this, I could live my life the way I wanted and never get pushed into something I didn’t want to do again.
“You don’t want me, do you?” Nisha asked, her voice tinged with sadness that made me suspect the words were about so much more than this moment.
I shook my head. “It’s not you, though. I don’t want anyone, I think, not unless I love them. After years doing things I hated, of submitting when I wanted to fight, of smiling when I wanted to yell, I’m tired of it.”
After I spoke, I held my breath, waiting. Had I ruined everything? Would she get angry? Would she storm in and call a guard to have me hauled to solitary? If it went that way, I could still give in to my incubus, could allow it free rein. No matter how angry she was, it wouldn’t take much to convince her to forgive me, to make her believe anything I told her.
Something pressed into my palm, making me drop my gaze to my hand. “Why?” I asked her as I stared at the key to the roof she’d placed there.
She took a step backward, putting distance between us. “I wasn’t kidding—you do look good under the stars. I think it’s because the freedom agrees with you. I can’t do much about you being here, but maybe the roof can be your own little getaway.”
I furrowed my eyebrows, unable to understand, to accept it. In all my years at Larkwood, no one had done anything for me unless they got something out of. They certainly didn’t give up what they wanted for my own benefit. Was it a trick?
Nisha sighed and offered me a lopsided smile, looking less like the seductive woman she’d seemed before and more like a young lady embarrassed by her own behavior. “Maybe it’s because we’re out here with the breeze, but I feel like I can think a little more clearly. So, I’m going to go and give my husband a call. I’ve gota lot of vacation time saved up, so maybe I’ll take a trip home. This place…”
She peered around the roof as if she could see the entire filthy history of Larkwood just like that. “It does bad things to every person who comes here. Whether shade or staff, it twists us all like a poison. I don’t think I like the person I’ve become here. Take as much time as you want up here.”
When she went to pass me, to go back to the staircase that led to the door, I caught her wrist to stop her. She jerked her gaze to mine, a moment of fear there that mixed with the lust that still simmered. It reminded me that even if she fought that desire, it didn’t completely rid her of it. “Thank you,” I said, trying to make sure she understood that I meant it.
She nodded, then pulled away and left me there alone.
I took the chance to stare out at the empty desert outside of Larkwood’s walls, enjoy the way the breeze cooled my cheeks, to feel the weight of the key in my palm.
I’d hidden how I really felt for so long, had refused to admit it because the truth had terrified me. I’d worried that if I ever uttered how I really felt, if I had to give in to things I hated after that, the pain would overwhelm me.
Yet, now, on the eve of everything changing, as I prepared to take on the biggest challenge of my life, the truth had saved me. I’d trusted another person and rather than using it against me, they’d helped me.
Hera had given me the strength to do this, to look at those parts of myself I didn’t like and accept them. She’d taught me to rely on others, to let them in, to stop hiding so much of myself.
I closed my hand around the key in a tight fist as I swore to do whatever it took to repay her. No matter what happened, I’d make sure she got to taste the freedom she craved.
* * * *
Kit
