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‘I really am sorry. I don’t know what got into her. The weird thing was that she didn’t even think she’d said anything wrong. I had to spell it out to her, and I could tell she was still a bit confused even when I’d explained how she would have sounded to you.’
‘What did she say?’
‘She kept telling me that I was being silly, that she was only telling you things you already knew to show you why you were better off with me. I think she genuinely thought she was being helpful.’
‘Dear God, if that’s her being helpful, I’d hate to come across her when she’s being unkind!’
We both laugh, and it’s a good sound. I realise that there hasn’t been much laughter in our little cottage for a while. When did we stop laughing?
The rest of the evening passes surprisingly well. James is very attentive, and the Aga manages to produce a meal that is perfectly cooked, for once. Even though it’s a Monday night, we decide to open a bottle of wine and, after we’ve eaten and cleared up, we slump on the sofa together. As we sit and chat about nothing in particular, James’ eyes sparkle with the reflections from the wall lights.
As we talk, I veer from wanting to lean in and kiss him to wanting to throw things at him again. On the one hand he’s the husband I love, back to his old self, and it’s wonderful to see. But he’s also the cheating bastard who I caught shagging the groom. I wish I could just choose for him to be one of those things and forget the other, but I can’t. Not yet, at least.
The wine does its work, and it’s only just after nine thirty when we both realise we’re exhausted and head upstairs to bed.
‘I do want us to be able to fix this.’ I tell him as he heads for the spare room. ‘But it’s going to take time, and I’m not making any promises, okay?’
‘Okay.’
‘Do you?’
‘Do I what?’
‘Want to fix this.’
‘More than anything.’
‘You’ll need to prove that you’re serious. If I sense you’re just going through the motions, it’s not going to work. Do you understand?’
‘I do.’
‘One last thing, James.’
‘Yes?’
‘If you ever do this again, I’m not going to stick around like your mother did, okay? I’ll be out of here so fast you won’t see me for dust. Get it?’
‘Understood.’
8
‘Tom and Audrey were on form tonight, weren’t they?’ I say to James, as we make our way back to the car from the church hall where the marriage counselling sessions are held. This is our third week, and James is holding up surprisingly well. I hesitate to say it, but I think he may even be enjoying them, at least when the focus isn’t on us.
‘Mm. I can’t understand why they don’t just give up. She patently hates him with a passion. Also, he is the most boring man I think I’ve ever encountered. How on earth did she not spot that before she married him?’
‘They’ve been together for thirty years. Maybe he wasn’t that boring to begin with?’
‘Even so, it doesn’t sound like either of them are having any fun now, does it? She’s just bombarding him with thirty years’ worth of built-up resentment and he’s pretty much ignoring her. If I were Tess, I’d tell them to get a divorce. It would be the kindest thing, both for them and for the rest of us who have to listen to them.’
I link my arm through his as we walk. ‘I’m not sure she’s allowed to do that and, who knows, maybe Audrey will get to the end of her list of things she hates about Tom at some point, and then she’ll start thinking that maybe he’s not so bad. Although, having said that, I would have smothered him with a pillow by now if he were my husband.’
‘Jane and Andrew are nice, though. I hope they make it,’ he remarks, as we reach his truck and he unlocks it.
‘You just like him because he’s a dirty philanderer like you. He’s a kindred spirit, hence the bromance,’ I reply, as I climb in and fasten my seat belt.
‘Unfair!’ he retorts. ‘Anyway, what do you think about what Tess said to us?’
I knew he was going to have locked on to this. Although we’ve been getting on well and James has continued to be attentive, I don’t feel that I trust him enough yet to restart physical intimacy. The STD tests came back clear, but I still get occasional flashbacks to him and Becky in the hay store and, each time it happens, any physical desire I might feel for him goes out like a light. He’s been very understanding, but I can tell he’s keen to re-start that aspect of our marriage. Tess, the counsellor, told me in no uncertain terms tonight that I need to balance my current aversion to sex with him against the fact that, if I leave it for too long, sex might never restart or James might get so pent up he’ll seek refuge back in Becky’s arms.
