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I swallow, not sure I can even push the words out. But Autumn deserves to know.
“I was raised in a good home before my parents died. You know, they taught me right from wrong. To speak up when you see someone is doing something wrong. To defend myself. To help those you see being treated poorly. That kind of stuff.”
“Right.”
“Well, I get in my first foster home situation and things are just wrong. I’m supposed to trust these adults to take care of me and instead, they’re doing bad things. The other kids in the home were scared. Then the foster dad grabbed this girl and the fear in her eyes, I’ll never forget it. I went to stop him from hurting her and I got backhanded across the face.”
She gasps, her fingers cover her mouth.
“I’d never been hit in life.” My cheek stings just at the thought while that same feeling of horror tightens my stomach. “There was no way in hell I was going to stay there. I was able to sneak my way to a phone that night and called the cops. They showed up and I listened to these foster parents spin a tale, making us kids sound like troublemakers. I refused to stay hidden and showed the cops the bruise on my cheek. The dad told them I got in a fight with another kid. The cops could have dismissed me, but they didn’t. Child services came and took us out of the house that night. I encouraged the other kids to speak up and some did. Some were too afraid. But it was enough for us to not go back. Then the next place I got stuck, I saw the foster parents’ son trying to touch one of the girls in their care.”
“Jesus, Jackson.”
“I stopped it. I was the one kid that wouldn’t stay quiet. I wasn’t afraid to stand up for what was right. My social worker gave me a phone and said to text her anytime I saw anything suspicious. I loved that. It made me feel safe, you know? Eventually, I realized I was the inside man. I didn’t get put in good homes and if I was, I was taken out after a while. Every situation was miserable and horrible.”
“Oh my God. Are you telling me they used you as some sort of spy?”
“Pretty much.”
She blinks in disbelief. “How is that any better? To put you, a child, in dangerous situations. To deprive you of a chance of being adopted.”
How many times have I had the same thought?
“It wasn’t, for the reasons you just named. In the beginning, I didn’t really care though. I missed my parents and didn’t want another set. To have the kind of responsibility they gave me, it felt good. It gave me purpose. But it also created this person who didn’t trust anyone. The foster mom who would smile and make me feel welcome one day, would call me a worthless piece of shit another day. I didn’t believe anyone. At some point, I hated that about myself. I hated that they put me in that situation. I just wanted to be somewhere good, to feel safe again. But then I’d stop a toddler from getting abused. Or a teen from being sexually assaulted. They deserved to be safe too. So, I sucked it up.”
Autumn leans over and cups my face with her hands. “You’re an amazing man. You were a hero to so many.”
I shake my head. “I’m no hero. It was a job to me. I stopped learning their names. I don’t even know how much I cared. It was only about justice.”
This sudden tight feeling fills my chest, my lungs burn. I’ve never admitted that out loud. Never even admitted it fully to myself. What kind of man does that make me?
Autumn shifts and moves until she’s straddling my lap, but I’m only vaguely aware, trapped in my memories.
“It’s okay, Jackson.”
I meet her gaze. “What?”
“It’s okay to feel that way. You did what you had to in order to survive the situation you were in. It’s okay not to feel like a hero.”
And just like that, it’s like she took a sledgehammer to my chest, her words releasing all the tension and guilt. I let out a shuddering breath and pull her close as the pain starts to evaporate.
“It’s okay not feel like a hero and still be a hero to the person you helped, Jackson. That you took on such responsibility at such a young age, it’s remarkable and brave. I imagine…I imagine that your parents would have wanted to see you loved and taken care of above anything, but if they knew that what they instilled in you brought good to so many, I know they’d be incredibly proud of you.”
I close my eyes, a completely different pain filling my chest. “I miss them so much.”
Autumn hugs me tightly to her and I hold on to her just as fiercely.
“I know you do.”
A shuddering breath leaves me as my eyes sting with the tears I’m holding back. I try not to think about them. About how differently my life would have been if they hadn’t died.
“I just wanted them back. Every day I wished it was all a bad dream and I only needed to wake up.”
I feel her thumbs wipe away the tears that slipped out and I open my eyes to see her looking at me, her face full of compassion.
“They were with you. In your heart. Giving you the courage you needed to survive all you did.” She presses her hand to my chest where my heart lies, and I swear I hear a crack in the armor that’s inked over it. “They’re still with you. That never goes away.”
I place my hand over hers. “I’ve never told anyone that. Not even Gage.”
