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A vision flies through my mind when I think of this being a once-a-decade thing. A vision of an older Josh and I meeting under the bridge, once every few years. Him, with the blonde at home, getting plumper while she has his children, a warm smile always on her pretty face. And then there’s me. Forever single, forever unhappy, getting plumper because I’ll be binge-eating while I’m depressed and missing him.
A sigh escapes me before I can stop it.
Fuck that. I won’t be that woman. I don’t know how I’ll stop it, but I won’t be the miserable one. I want to be the curvy, happy one with a passel of kids and a ready smile—except I’ll have dark hair. Cause I do. And I don’t plan to go blond. That’s so not a look that I could pull off.
“Earth to Cassie.”
I look at Liam. “What?”
He laughs. “I’ve been having a conversation with myself, for fuck’s sake. Where the hell were you?”
In binge-eating depression land. Yeah, not a good answer. “Thinking about Christmas.”
“You’re not coming down right? You said you saved up, and you were going skiing with your roommate, right?”
Yeah. I did say that. And I did put a deposit down. And Riley is going to kill me for backing out. She’s my roommate. The one with the money. Kara’s the poor one. I’m somewhere in between, but closer to Kara because I don’t take money from my parents—much.
“So now you’re coming down for Christmas,” Liam repeats.
“You gonna be here?” I pray he says yes because I don’t want to deal with Mom alone.
“Wasn’t planning to.”
I’m double-screwed. Losing a deposit, on Riley’s shit list, and dealing with my mother over the holidays without anyone who can commiserate. “Okay.”
13
DEPOSITS AND DENIALS
CASSIE
“You can’t do that.” Riley stomps her foot at me. “You’ll lose your deposit.” She pouts. It’s cute on her. Everything is cute on Riley. From her cute blond pixie cut, to her petite little frame. It’s topped off by how rich her family is, and yet how down-to-earth she remains. “You do realize you’ll lose your deposit. You don’t want that to happen, do you?” She’s still at it.
I’d be willing to lose two decades of my life to see Josh. To be with him again. It’s only a deposit. Who cares about a few hundred dollars—that took me forever to earn? I don’t. “I know. I know I’ll lose it.”
“Come on. It’s going to be fun.” Riley tips her head to the side in that adorable way she has, her hair falling just right. “Okay, then tell me what you’re doing over Christmas that’s so important.”
“I’m going to Boar Creek.”
“Whaaaat?” She makes the word last for several seconds.
“Boar Creek?” That’s Kara, my other roommate—the total opposite of Riley. She’s also the opposite financially. Kara’s tall, long-haired. I think she’s part Italian. “You don’t even like your mother. So what gives?”
Jeez. She didn’t have to say that, did she? But still. “I think I should go home for Christmas. I’ll be back in time for school.” As close as I am to Kara, Riley, and Cherise—we’re best friends, not only roommates—I haven’t told them about Josh. Not even when I was drunk. It always felt like voicing my feelings for him would reanimate them. And then the ensuing days would be even more of a sheer hell.
“So, really,” Riley’s at it again. “Just like that? You’re not coming? Graham is bringing a friend along that I just know you’ll like. He’s just like Graham.”
I fight back the grimace. I can’t stand Graham. He’s a total snob. An ass that worries about money and appearances. Why can’t she see that? “I’m sorry.” But I’m not sorry. A part of me is overjoyed. In two days, it’ll be Christmas break. And I’m going home to see Josh.
The taste of him, the scent of him, the look of him, these are all so imprinted on me.
“What aren’t you telling us?” Kara’s green eyes narrow with suspicion. “Give it up.”
Damn. She knows me too well.
Cherise and Riley do a double take. They don’t say anything, but they give me the eye too.
Cherise pipes up. “I think Kara’s right.” Cherise is a double major. She’s the brain. Pretty, but not interested in looking pretty. She’s all about the grades.
