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“I’m having a hard time believing that.”
His words sting, but I take a deep breath and get clarification before reacting. "To which part? That I don't trust people like this?" I can't stop my mouth from moving and words keep tumbling out. "I've only been naked with two men in my whole adult life, and you're the second."
Mortified, I clap a hand over my mouth, but it's too late - I can't take the words back and I know he heard them.
"No, I mean that we're connecting emotionally. We know so little about one another."
My face flames red and I silently thank the stars he just breezed right past my comment and kept going. "But we're learning. We're opening up. That's the first step, isn't it?"
He nods. "You might be right."
"And I'm not wrong about the trust thing, I learned the hard way not to trust anyone. I don't think I can let my guard down with anyone again."
"But you are with me." A gentle smile plays on his lips but I can tell he's serious as he gives me a significant look as if to remind me I'm naked in his tub with him beside me.
"I'm afraid to be vulnerable around people. That gives them the power to break your heart." I'm speaking to Nathan, but I'm thinking about my ex and my chest aches as I think about what happened between us, and why I had to start my life over in a new place where no one knows me.
"Not to mince words, but you were willing to be vulnerable with me. You confessed to trusting me, Stacia." I hear the shift in his tone, the subtle reminder not to lie to him or keep him in the dark.
"I don't know what got into me. I've never done anything like this, but I feel sort of vulnerable around you and I think maybe that's why I feel comfortable like this." I turn to look out the window just as the first drops of rain are beginning to fall on the beautiful landscape beyond the waterfall. "I guess I'm just telling you that I'm not a person with a lot of experience with the opposite sex, so I don't know what to say or do right now. I don't want to mess things up."
I can feel his eyes on me, and I wonder what he's thinking, but I don't turn to look at him. I'm too afraid to.
"I don't know what to do, either." His tone is soft. "But I know we can figure it out together, if you'll give me a chance."
He leans forward and puts his hand on mine again. The gentle touch is unexpected and sends my heart into overdrive, just like the last few times he did that. I'm still looking out the window, my head partially turned to the side so I can see the storm gathering on the horizon and I hear the falling water outside, my thundering pulse, and his breath as his leans closer to me.
"Things are moving a direction I didn't expect," I whisper the words.
I see him nod out of the corner of my eye. "I agree one hundred percent. But I'm not disappointed."
I'm not either. I really like Nathan, but again, I just can't help but feel we're terribly mismatched in so many ways.
I glance at him. "I'm not used to trusting anyone. I…"
"Shhh." He puts a finger to my lips, silencing me. "I'm not judging you, Stacia. I'm saying it's okay to let someone in."
He's looking at me and I can't look away. My heart flips over and my chest feels light and I feel like there's something about this man that makes me want him to be my hero, the man to save me from the hard hits life keeps throwing at me.
Two months ago I would have rolled my eyes at myself for even thinking such a thing, but now I feel it so strongly it's almost a physical ache. I want Nathan to be that man; my crush on him has taken a sharp new turn I can't quite quantify. I want him to be part of my life in more than just a boss capacity.
I want so much more…but I start feeling nervous. I'm naked and vulnerable and I can't ignore the heat in the air between us. My body responds to him and all I can think of is his hands, his mouth…his cock.
"Maybe I should go home." I'm trying to think of a new way to convince him to stay away from me, or to put some distance between us.
"Stacia, I know you're trying to run and hide. I won't stop you, but I will tell you I think that's a mistake."
“You’re right.” I am trying to run and hide from how he makes me feel, how much I want him, and the knowledge that there’s no way Nathan could ever want me.
“It’s not about being right or wrong. I just think you’re going be kicking yourself in the ass if you leave, always wondering what if. I've been there."
"I'm sure you have." I can't imagine Nathan with anyone else; he doesn't do relationships, being tied down isn't what he does. Or not since I've known him or what people have said about him around the office, of course.
“I think you need to trust your gut, not your fear.” His words do something strange to my insides, like some internal echo telling me he's right.
"Are you saying that I need to be bold?" I've never been bold, I've been quiet and shy, but I want to be bold for myself. If I'd stood up to my ex, I could have saved myself a world of heartbreak.
"I think I'm giving you advice I would struggle to follow, but I think you should trust your heart - whatever that means to you."
