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We finish our dinner in near silence, both processing the information we've shared. I'm also sorting out my thoughts and feelings regarding her. I meant it when is aid she seems perfect for me, but she's not mine.
When she finishes the last bite, I get up, pick our plates up and head to the kitchen. When I return, she's standing next to my chair with a nervous expression on her face.
"I'm enjoying my time with you," she says. There's something going on, I can see it in the set of her shoulders, the way she can't quite look at me, and the breathless quality of her voice. I remember her admitting she had a crush on be before any of this, but that can't be what she's dwelling on now, even with what I said.
"And I'm enjoying my time with you," I say. "I don't want this to end." Might as well be totally honest, even though it feels like shooting myself in the foot.
"That's really sweet," she says, her smile snagging my heart and really, what's wrong with me?
I can tell there's something deeply painful in her past that she's keeping under lock and key. And because I know that much, I feel that she deserves to choose a decent human being to embark on a relationship with.
I'm no longer sure if I qualify - not because I'm a bad guy, but because I'm not sure I'm the right guy for her. We're going into this under false pretenses, faking a relationship, and how can that ever become real or more, especially when we both know better than to let our emotions get involved?
When she came with me this morning, she did me a favor. Now I could return that favor by cutting her loose and giving up this farce.
There's no future for us when we've built a foundation on a convenient lie. There can't be. And that stings.
I start rinsing the dishes and load them into the dishwasher. She stands by my side, helping by loading them up.
"I don't like this," she says simply.
I glance at her. "Doing dishes?" I know that's not what she means, but I want to lighten the moment.
"No, this silence between us. I think we need to face the fact that we might wind up with feelings and prepare for how to handle it instead of burying our heads in the sand." She places a fork in the silverware basket and I nod.
"I agree. That seems like a smart way to do things." I turn off the water and take the towel she hands me. I dry my hands and toss the towel over my shoulder. I frame her face in my hands, lean in and press a light, quick kiss to her lips. It just feels like the right thing to do.
"I'm attracted to you, Nathan," she says, her voice a bit shaky. "I've always been attracted to you, but I think you know that already." She lets out a sight laugh, no doubt thinking about our encounter earlier.
"It's nice to hear that. I'm also attracted to you. I do worry that we could be making a mistake." We're mismatched. That's all there is to it. do I think we could get past that/Sure. But it would be a lot of work, and I don't know if we're both up for that kind of struggle.
She places a hand on my arm and looks up at me. "I'm not," she says, and I want to believe her. I want to say that it's been fantastic, that any guy would be lucky to have her in his life, but I can't. The words sound too final, too condescending, even if they're true.
"I understand," I say. And I do. We finish the dishes and head for the living room, neither of us addressing the elephant in the room.
I push the button for the TV to rise up out of the stand and turn on Netflix before handing her the remote to pick what she'd like to watch. She picks a movie and we curl in close on the couch and enjoy one another's company.
As time flies, I think about the sleeping arrangement. I want to take her to bed, but I know that sleeping apart is vital to keeping things between us from escalating. The more time we spend close together the more I want to touch her.
And touching her is off limits. She's off limits.
I just have to get through tonight. If I can get through the night, we can figure out how to move forward keeping up appearances without having to fight these internal battles.
I run my fingers through her hair, absentmindedly watching the movie but retaining nothing. This plan was supposed to make my life easier. Instead, I feel like a helpless bug tangled in a spider's web.
Stacia is beautiful, funny, similar to me in the ways that count, and perfect for me.
And I'm having trouble staying away.
So why am I hesitating?
Why shouldn't I just go with my gut? Maybe we should give us a whirl instead of fighting so hard.
I can't even remember my reasoning behind wanting to keep our distance. I don't want to get hurt, but what if things go right? I don't like the thought of paying her to be in a relationship with me, but that's an ugly way to interpret things - I wasn't kidding when I said I'd pay a woman's rent if we were dating, what's the difference? I'm not paying her to sleep with me, I'm paying her to help the person I care about have life a little easier.
She works for me, which is tricker to justify - and I'm well aware I'm justifying - but I'd never leverage power over her or use my position to make her do my bidding She's free to live her life as she pleases, I just hope to be part of her life as long as she wants me.
I'd worry she's not interested, but I know she is. Maybe just physically, but who knows? I haven't asked her point blank if there's more to her feelings and I wouldn't expect her to know anyway - we've only been spending actual time together for a day. Which brings me to the most valid point I can think of that this is all a bad idea. We're so new to each other. Sure, she had a crush on me before, but that's no excuse to be in this deep, this fast.
