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What is he trying to do now?
I take a deep breath and try to center myself. This is not a place to fall apart. I'm not going to lose it in my boss' bathroom while we're pretending to be engaged.
I'm here to think, to solve problems.
My ex... he’s just messing with my head.
I scroll through the pictures. A flicker of recognition stirs my heart… of the man I once thought I loved, but it’s quickly replaced with the feeling of dread.
He was so beautiful… so perfect, so kind and loving... at first. Then he changed into something dark, something awful. But he changed to gradually, a little bit at a time, and I, stupid me, ignored the warning signs and red flags.
In gray sweatpants and a gray muscle shirt, he stands outside our old bedroom, that cocky smile that stole my heart firmly in place. Now I notice it doesn't quite reach his eyes.
I feel a pinch of pain, a tidal wave of fear, and the nagging feeling that I'm so stupid, I feel for his game. I make myself look away from the photos, but not before I catch one of us, side by side. I stare at myself, into my smiling face, remembering the day, but not sure how I felt in that moment. Was I happy? Was I on to his game? Had I figured him out? I can't remember, and the women in the picture might as well be a stranger - I don't know her anymore. She died when he left and took everything.
I can’t believe I was so stupid. I fell for his act hook, line, and sinker. It was easier to think he was going to love me forever like he promised than it was to see the truth.
I close my eyes and listen to the water crash into the pool below. I’m in so much trouble; he has my new number. I don't have money to get a new line. And if I block him, he'll find a way around that block. He'll call me, text me, and reach out until I lose my mind. We've done this before. I swore I'd never let it happen again. But what can I do?
I glance down at my phone, at Logan’s message, and press the delete button.
I’ve got more important things to deal with right now.
"Everything okay in here?" Nathan's voice breaks me out of my thoughts and I glance at him as he stands in the doorway. The light in the hall behind him outlines his powerful body and some stupid part of me begs me to run into his arms, to find comfort in his strength, to let him protect me.
But I made this mess myself and I can clean it up. "It will be," I say.
Before I can think, he crosses the distance between us, grabs my hands, and pulls me to my feet. I'm in his arms a heartbeat later and I breathe a sigh of relief and melt into him.
"It's okay, Stacia," he says, his voice a dark, delicious whisper against my ear. "I've got you."
My head knows this is a bad idea, but my heart softens and I thread my fingers into his hair and tug him down for a kiss.
His kiss is gentle. He tastes like fire and mint. His hand slides through my hair, down my neck, and then presses flat against my lower back, holding me tight against him.
"I'm sorry," I say when I pull away, not sure what I'm apologizing for or why.
"No. I'm sorry. I asked you for something I had no right to ask, complicated things, and made you uncomfortable." His other hand moves through my hair, sending a tingle down my spine before settling on my collar bone with this thumb lightly touching my throat. The gesture sends my pulse through the roof and my whole body hums to life again. How does he have such a profound effect on me?
"You've been so good to me. I appreciate you," I whisper.
"I think you deserve a lot more." His whisper electrifies my skin and sends goose bumps down my arms, neck, chest, and racing across every inch of my body.
"It's okay to fall apart now and then. It's okay to need someone." His kind words, warm body, and gentle yet firm touch leave me desperate for more, but I know that we need to keep things platonic. Because I can see myself falling for Nathan, and last time I fell in love, it cost me everything.
He kisses my forehead, the tiny gesture so comforting I feel confusion seeping into every pore. "I don't want to lose you."
How does he just know what to do and say to put me at ease, to calm my own self-doubt, to sooth my internal fears? "You won't." I press my cheek to his chest so he can't see my eyes and know I'm lying. I don't believe my own words, not one bit.
This can't end well. Not for either of us. I learned my lesson last time I got burned, and I'm not letting another man get my guard down only to destroy my life from the inside out. I'd rather douse myself in gasoline and light myself on fire than trust someone like that ever again.
I push the old pain away, shove it so far into the back of my heart and mind I hope it'll never find its way back to the surface. Of course, I know that's just wishful thinking; Logan always finds his way back into my life, mind, and soul.
I have to have faith in myself. I have to believe that I'm strong, that I'm not just another girl with trust issues, another woman who will let a man get away with her heart, her soul, her very being. I won't. No matter how much it might hurt, I won't. I can't. I won't.
With every fiber of my being I scream the lie to my heart, let the declaration settle into my soul, my gut, my bones. Then I stand, hold my chin up and tell him, "We agreed to be fake fiancées. That's what I need us to be."
I feel him hesitate, feel something between us shift as my ribs crack and my heart breaks. Hearing those words come out of my mouth and the pain that comes with them tells me I don't want this, but I need to protect myself at all costs. I learned my lesson the hard way. I'll never let that happen again. Even for a guy who seems nice, wonderful, and caring like Nathan. After all, Logan was all those things too... in the beginning.
