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Though I hadn’t been living under a rock, at that moment, I wanted to crawl under one. I could practically hear Ava’s voice in my head, an enthusiastic chatter filled with exclamation points and emphasis.Which one do you think is more embarrassing?
Except reading her words left me empty. Hollow. The butt of a joke that I knew she hadn’t realized she’d told. She was caught up in it all, like everyone else.
You used the wrong peak and used three t’s in “little,”I typed back to her numbly, thewhooshof the message sending echoing in my ears. I picked at the cream polish on my nails, basking in the brief satisfaction when a piece came off in a big chunk. I’d fix it later. “Mom said the lasagna would be out of the oven at seven, so I should get going.”
Alex dropped his feet to the ground with athunk. “Yeah, you don’t want to be late. Your mom’s lasagna is the best.”
I had to make sure I dodged the view of the TV as I stood, stretching my stiff limbs. Judging by the ache in my butt, I’d been sitting silent for a while, working through equations while my boyfriend murdered non-player characters.
Months ago, I might’ve kissed him goodbye. I would’ve risked his annoyance and stolen a peck on his lips, and months ago, he might’ve kissed me back even in the middle of a game.
“Text me when you’re home safe, okay?” he asked without looking over, but he did quickly lift one hand in farewell.
I watched the back of his head for a moment, mind caught up in everything.Do you ever just…feel like we’re different?
Sure, maybe he didn’t get my love of math and wanted me to try new hobbies, but wasn’t that the point of being in a relationship? Helping the other grow and explore things a bit more? This was us.
I was okay with that. Hopefully he was, too.
Instead of my alarm waking me up the next morning, the delicate trill of a text coming through stirred me. The first one barely broke through my awareness, but the second one woke me up enough for me to slap the nightstand a few times. My fingers finally brushed against the screen, and half-asleep, I squinted at the bright display.
Jozie:Happy Tuesday, May-May! Tell Mom and Dad I love them, but know that I love you more. xx
Jozie:Don’t text back tho, okay? Walking in2 class now. Love you!
Just like that, I was wide awake, letting my hand fall and my cell press against my chest. Even with my phone now locked, I could see the text behind my closed lids. Jozie been gone two weeks now, and she never missed a wake-up text. Except since we were going on week two of the messages, they started to feel more and more ingenuine. Her messages weren’t copied and pasted word for word, but the phrasing was always similar. Similar enough to let me know that my happy-go-lucky sister wasn’t putting that much thought into it. But she was in college. She was busy. Too busy for her little sister.
Her absence in the house was like a grand chandelier with one of the lightbulbs missing. Dim, incomplete. I rolled over onto my side, peering at where her bed was rammed in the far corner. My vision was blurry without my glasses on, but I knew what it looked like. Stripped of her normal, cheery comforter, now covered with an old quilt. The nights were silent without her chainsaw snoring, and after seventeen years of sharing a room with her, I hadn’t gotten used to the quiet.
We were close in age—only eighteen months apart—but so drastically different. She took more from Mom and Dad, falling on the free-thinking side of life, the creative spirit, artistic mindset. As a lover of analytics and numbers, I couldn’t have been more different from them if I tried.
She’d told me not to text back, but I wanted to more than anything. Despite the daily texts, I couldn’t remember the last time I’d heard her voice.
Instead, I threw my blankets off my legs, letting the air-conditioned air sweep over my skin, and stood. There was no going back to sleep—might as well start the day.
“Good morning,” my dad greeted as I came into the kitchen after getting ready, standing near the coffeepot. He already had on a pair of tan painter’s overalls and had his shirt sleeves rolled up to his elbows. “I’m about to head out for the day. Coffee?”
I shook my head. “Jozie is the one who likes coffee.”
Dad topped off his to-go tumbler, nodding a little. “Ah, right. Well. Your mom already left for the gallery. She and the owner are meeting with an artist this morning.”
Mom worked as an art curator at the newest art gallery in the county. Center Inspirewas fighting to claim its relevancy with new showings and exhibits, which meant that most of Mom’s life happened within those walls. More since Jozie left—with Mom’s pride and joy gone, her mini-me, what reason was there for her to be home?
“I won’t be home until late. Once I finish painting the exhibition room, they have a few sets they want me to build for next week.” Dad worked in the building department for the art gallery, playing a huge role in getting everything pretty for their showcases. He took a long sip of coffee while ghosting his hand over his balding head. “You can figure food on your own?”
I took out the chocolate milk from the fridge and poured some into a glass. “Mmm-hmm.” The clock on the microwave blinked at me.
“How’s it feel to be back at school for a full week?” he asked, his peppery mustache quirking up. He kept trying to deny the grays slowly taking over his once-brown facial hair, but it was getting harder and harder for him to fight the truth. “Senior year. It doesn’t feel like it’s been that long since we did this with Jozie.”
I hadn’t told them about the Most Likely To list. With how technologically challenged they were, I wasn’t sure they’d even understand me if I tried to describe it. Heck, they might’ve even thought the list wascreative. However, not telling them about it meant swallowing my thoughts and feelings about the stupid label.
I also hadn’t told them about the losing my valedictorian spot, even though I knew I should’ve. We needed to plan for the loss of that top spot position, which in turn would lead to the loss of scholarships, but the thought of bringing it up made me sick.
“Time flies,” I said simply, dropping my cup into the sink. “I should get to school. I’ll see you tonight.”
“You have to go already? I was hoping to chat with you more.” He offered me a smile, one that was warm andhim, and it made me hesitate in my beeline toward the door. “Your mother and I talked with Jozie last night. She said she’s really been enjoying her classes. I told her she shouldn’t have been worried—a school that’s charging that much ought to have impressive classes, right?”
Dad hadn’t intended for the words to stab on a pressure point, I knew. As a chronic avoider of conflict, he’d rather stay silent than deal with the wrath of the Matthews girls.A school that’s charging that much.
