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I wanted to deny it, but the horror of everything settled thickly inside me. I had to admit, though, she did have a point.
“Also, c’mon. If I couldn’t tell you were crushing on my brother, looking at him with total googly eyes earlier at the game, what kind of best friend would I be?”
I hugged my knees closer, relief pouring through my veins. A strange emotion for the moment, absolutely, but it was like I’d been walking a great distance with a heavy backpack weighing me down, and, after being desperate to do so for so long, I was finally able to let it drop. My feet hurt from walking, and my shoulders ached from the journey, but the weight of the secret was gone. “You’re not mad?”
Rachel looked up at the ceiling, as if she were really thinking about it. “I might’ve been freshman year, but I’m not fourteen anymore. I think it’s mega gross to think that you like the slob that is my brother, yeah, but…no, I’m not mad.”
My breathing became pinched then. I curled my fingers, but it didn’t stop them from trembling—didn’t stopmefrom trembling. “It just happened,” I told her, words rushing together. “It—it wasn’t supposed to mean anything, but then it did, and I didn’t know how to stop it. I tried with Josh, but then Reed was over all the time, and I wanted to tell youso badly—”
My words cut off as Rachel wrapped her arms around me. The scent of my strawberry body wash smelled differently on her skin, but still comforting. “Ava, it’s a wonder you didn’t explode these past few days,” she murmured, rubbing her hand in circles on my back. The action only made me burrow deeper, trying to choke down a sob. “Shh, shh. I’m not mad. You’re not mad at me, are you?”
I shook my head.
“See? Everything’s okay.”
I leaned my head firmly against her shoulder, not caring that her hair was wet and cold. “If you thought I kissed your brother, why did you ask me about Josh?”
“I love Reed,” she said at once. “He’s got a big heart, but I know how closed off he’s been since Dad. I didn’t want to see either of you hurt, but I didn’t want my best friend’s first heartbreak to come from my brother.”
It’s too late, I wanted to say, but I drew away, looking into her eyes that looked so much like his. “It wasn’t like we were going to be together, though. Him and me.”
“Why not?”
“He’s not exactly the boy next door,” I said. “He’s with Cindy now, but just the first week of school, he was talking to someone else. And last year was worse. What if I’m just next on a list?”
“Ava.” She reached out and wiped my cheeks with her fingers, and then moved to clasp my upper arms. “That’s the whole point of liking someone. You have to put yourself out there.”
But if I had doubts in the beginning, what was the point of going forward? What was the point in risking it all if it wouldn’t work out? Sure, Mom said that she wouldn’t have changed her relationship with Dad, but would Mrs. Manning change hers with Rachel’s dad? Was avoiding any potential heartbreak better than not falling at all?
Even more than that, a different fear nagged at me. “What if he doesn’t like me?”
“I don’t think he would’ve kissed you to begin with if he didn’t like you—which, I’ll have you know, I haven’t forgotten about, so you can go ahead and explain—”
“What if it doesn’t work out?” I whispered, cutting her off with wide eyes. “What if it’s strange and messes everything up? Like you said, your parents split up. Mine split up. What if something happens? What if it affects our friendship?”
“Then we can bubble-wrap his bedroom and replace his shampoo with bleach or something.” She pinched my leg lightly. “Girl, I think we can be mature enough to not let a guy get between us, even if he is my brother, can’t we?”
“But what if—”
“Ava.” She pulled her head back to stare at me. The determination in that stare was all my best friend, so much so that it nearly made me emotional again. “Enough with the what ifs. You’re never going to know if you don’t go for it. It’s okay to be afraid, but you can’t let that stop you from living.”
Liking Reed had been risky at first, fearing any anger that Rachel might’ve had. Now that Rachel gave the green light, a new set of risks came into the play. What if he turns me down? What if we find out that being together is awkward? What if we fall out of love? Any of those could happen if I took the step forward, if I stepped past liking Reed and doing something about it.
“Don’t overthink it,” Rachel said, and hugged me once more. “I can see the hamster wheel spinning in your brain. Whatever happens, I’m right here, just like you’ll be there for me. No matter what.”
She was right. No matter what happened, we had each other. “I love you,” I said into her hair.
“I love you, too.” She patted me on the back once more. We stayed like that for a moment, listening to each other’s breathing, before she said, “So, uh. Whenexactlydid this first kiss even happen?”
“Smile,” I said cheerfully, snapping a flashing shot of another couple. This girl’s dress was to die for—a brilliant green with dark sequins sewn into the fabric. The boy had suspenders to match. “Perfect! Keep an eye out for it on Babble, okay?”
To the beat of music that probably wasn’t appropriate for high schoolers, I went around taking photos. I flitted around, going from couple to cute couple, taking a few candids and asking for poses. I would have time to dance later, and I’d rather take the photos now, when the dance first started, before everyone got sweaty from the heat of the gym.
The current fast-paced club song melted into a slow song, and I watched as groups of people broke off into pairs, beginning their slow-dance.Perfect.
I found Connor and Maisie first among the couples, and though she’d given me a rule aboutnotoverexposing their relationship, surely a moment like this one was allowed, right? They were close enough to the strobe lights that I flicked off the flash, hoping to fly under the radar.
I sought out Rachel and Josh next, but stumbled upon the quarterback instead. Landon was standing near the outskirts of the dancefloor, expression totally caught in thought. I held up my cell, but as if he had a sensor for it, the redhead lifted his head and spotted me.
