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“You missed out on that party last night,” Kat said, dragging me back to the conversation.
“Eh, I’m not really into that stuff, you know that.” Kat had always been far more social than me. She preferred parties and concerts, while I, on the other hand, was more antisocial, finding it difficult to be surrounded by crowds of people.
“Too bad. I met a guy.”
My chest swelled, curiosity piquing. “Ok, go on. Tell me more.” She didn’t turn down my invitation to share and proceeded to dump copious amounts of details about all the things she liked about him into my ear.
It wasn’t that I innately hated people, but if I were given the choice to be in a room and socialize with a bunch of strangers or sit on my bed reading books or drawing, I would choose the latter. Perhaps it was the years spent sheltered that gave me such social anxiety, but Kat got me out of my shell, which probably was the best thing for me.
The new semester at the University of Pittsburgh at Johnstown started in a few days. While Kat was striving for a big fancy degree to go on in life and have a successful career, I didn’t see the point in trying. I knew my mom still harbored hope that the doctors would find some miracle treatment and I could go on to live a good, long life. Maybe it was this small semblance of hope that made this escape possible.
There was one little detail, though, that made me sick to my stomach. Kat didn’t know about my health condition, or that a prospective life-ending heart attack loomed over my shoulder at every turn.
I felt like the scum of the earth for not telling her. She, more than anyone, deserved to know, but my entire life was filled with people treating me like a fragile piece of glass that could shatter at any moment, and I was tired of it. For once I didn’t want to be treated differently or pitied. Even if it was just one person in my life, one chance at normalcy, that was enough for me.
Kat continued in my ear, her excitement building. “We love the same bands, Cas! He’s got tickets to see Paramore and he offered to take me!”
Her happiness had me smiling before I realized it. She didn’t have a single care in the world, like a bird free to sing and dance on the breeze. I didn’t want to burden her with the knowledge that I may not be here with her in a few years. It was enough for me to deal with; she didn’t need to deal with that heartache, too.
“Promise you’ll take lots of pictures and videos,” was all I could say.
Subconsciously, I might have been a little afraid I’d lose her friendship if she learned of my situation. Thinking rationally, I knew she would never abandon me, but there was always that little flicker of fear that lingered. I didn’t want to be alone in the end. Given the sudden onset of my condition though, the end could come without warning.
No matter what I did, I would likely die alone.
It was selfish of me to do this to her, and the guilt was a constant wound I nursed but never healed from. She was the distraction I needed, though. My parents were wonderful to me, but I wouldn’t be able to keep going without Kat. She was the veil covering the truth I would have to inevitably face. Around her, I felt like a person, not a fragile piece of glass.
Kat let out a groan on the other end of the phone. “I wanna go shopping. I need new clothes.”
“Didn’t you just buy new clothes last month?” This girl spent so much money on clothes and makeup, I didn’t know how she had any left.
“I only bought like two shirts and some jeans. Besides, fall is here now! It’s getting colder, and I need some cute fall clothes! Let’s go to the mall tomorrow. I’ve got some things to do in the morning, but I can pick you up around three?”
I considered her offer, rolling over onto my stomach, my curly brown hair falling over my shoulders. I did have some extra money left over from this month’s allowance. It wouldn’t be a bad idea to get some new clothes. “I guess I don’t have any plans. I can go with you, but only if you promise to let me go to sleep.”
“Deal! I’ll see you tomorrow!” The line clicked as she hung up. I couldn’t help but chuckle at her and looked down at my phone to check the time.
Great. It was two in the morning. I couldn’t entirely blame her. It wasn’t like she was the one keeping me up this late. Mom always joked that I was her little night owl, even when I was little, but it had never been by choice. For as long as I could remember, sleep had always evaded me until the late-night hours.
Though it might have helped, I refused to take sleep aids. Having suffered a bad experience with anesthesia as a child, the thought of being completely knocked out and unaware terrified me ever since.
With that option nixed, my nights were spent drawing, staring at the ceiling, or reading a book until I finally passed out in the early morning hours. There’d been many mornings where I’d woken with my face pressed into a book or slumped over my drawing desk.
While there were some nights where I fell asleep easily, there were too many nights where my thoughts consumed me to the point that it was like trying to fall asleep in a room full of people talking.
I reached up, gliding my fingers across the moon and star charms that dangled down over my bed like a dreamcatcher. It had always felt more natural to do things at night. Most of my favorite drawings had been completed in the late-night hours when I didn’t have to be up the following morning, some of my best essays had been written past midnight.
If I didn’t have anything to occupy my mind in the night hours, it tended to occupy itself. Without Kat’s voice in my ear, my mind pooled with the thoughts that had fought to distract me during our conversation. An unbridled drip feed of phrases and images poured into my mind—things I could have done well to forget. The doctor’s voice as he discussed our dwindling options; my mom’s painful forced smile; the looks of the nurses and staff who watched me with knowing eyes as I left the office.
My chest heaved as I inhaled in a desperate attempt to stave the tears that threatened to overflow. I shouldn’t have gotten off the phone with Kat. I was still far too awake, and without her distraction, the day’s news was smothering me.
I rolled over onto my side, looking out the window at the night sky. The pollution of light from the city cast an orange glow amidst the stars. I tried to identify the few constellations I could see and admired the moon that hung full in the sky. A heavy sigh of frustration left my lips, and I fidgeted with my feet and toes.
Regret swelled in my chest. The lie that I was numb to it was beginning to fail me.
No, Cas. Don’t let it get to you.
The shock seemed to be wearing off, and a spark of anxiety bloomed in me, building till it was a cup about to overflow. My lips pressed into a thin line, and I breathed deeply, recognizing this impending feeling all too well. I blinked back tears of frustration.
