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Loneliness.
It felt as if a piece of me were missing, my soul hollow and incomplete.
The talk of Kat’s potential new guy had my imagination running. Part of me, one that I was ashamed to acknowledge, was a little jealous of her. What was it like to have that kind of relationship with someone, to feel loved in that way?
One of my biggest regrets was that I’d never have a chance to experience love.
While I’d never pursued a relationship, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t interested in one. My curiosity was very much alive, and yet my only real knowledge of men was in the books I read: intimate, romantic, caring men who doted heavily and devotionally on their lover. The kind of love that was both emotional and physical. Passionate.
The kind of love I’d likely never experience in this brief lifetime.
I constantly reminded myself love wasn’t like that in real life just to combat my desire to experience it. Relationships weren’t always passionate and perfect. Men didn’t fawn over women, they didn’t dote over their lovers, and they seldom were fully devoted to them.
You’re just avoiding heartbreak, Cas. Because that’s all it could ever be.
My heart ached for that companionship, though. To feel loved by someone so unconditionally. To be embraced, to be touched like that. How nice it must be; maybe I could find someone who’d make me feel less alone. Someone to talk to me the way a lover would.
The hollowness in my chest only fueled the tears I held at bay, my eyes burning. It was wishful thinking to believe someone could love me. The reality of it hit me like a boulder.
Regardless of whether I found someone who’d even look at me that way, would it be right of me to waste someone else’s time like that? Was it fair to let them build feelings, only to have them crushed? I wanted to experience love more than anything, but I didn't want to hurt anyone in the process.
Perhaps I was meant to live my life without experiencing the love of a man.
“Shit,” I winced as a painful bout of arrhythmia fluttered in my chest. I got up, walking out of my room. I’d missed my evening dose of medicine. The old wood floors groaned under my feet as I struggled down the dark hall to my bathroom. The faint pain within my ribcage was an all too familiar warning, the sign of a potential attack.
My hands trembled, muscles twitching and quivering beneath my skin. The pain reverberated against my rib cage, growing stronger until it was like a knife repeatedly stabbing into my ribs with each pound of my heart.
Taking slow, deep breaths, I leaned against the countertop for support and reached up into the medicine cabinet. My hands shook so much that I almost dropped my meds, but I quickly dumped a small pill into my palm.
I hated being tied down to these tiny pills, left with no option but a medication that was more of a crutch than a fix. Regardless of my absolute disdain for them, they worked, relaxing my veins, thinning my blood, and easing the pain.
I popped them into my mouth and downed them with a glass of water. The glass clinked as I set it back down on the counter, and I continued to pace my breathing, hoping they would kick in quickly.
In through the nose, out through the mouth.
I coached myself over and over, and I looked in the mirror at my reflection, my palms sweaty against the countertop.
I’d lost weight again; my face was slender, cheeks shadowed in their faint hollowness. Some girls would probably be happy to have my thin jaw line, but it wasn’t by choice. I wasn’t quite underweight, nevertheless, the doctors had been adamant that I try to eat more. Contrary to their instruction, my medication often left me nauseas, and food was difficult to look at, let alone swallow.
Deep brown hair hung in a mess of loose curls and split ends, spilling out from behind my ear and over my shoulder. I tucked it out of my face and rubbed my dark hazel-brown eyes, shadowed with dark circles.
Waiting for the pain to subside, I slouched against the cabinet and slid down to my knees, trying to combat the panic creeping into me.
I’m not ready to die.
2
From the darkness, strong yet comforting arms reached around from behind, embracing me. A calloused hand took my own, but I couldn’t see it. I should be terrified, but there was a resounding calm settling into my bones, as if my body knew who it was even though I didn’t. The gentle stroke of his thumb against my skin left an almost electric tingle in its wake. He pressed against me, his warmth like a cloak around my clammy frame. Our bodies fit so perfectly together that I felt as if he were my other half. His breath fell against my ear, his voice a pained whisper.
Why can’t I find you m—
The weight of my bed shifted suddenly, my whole world tilting off its axis, and I was ripped from the loving arms of whoever held me. Gravity pulled me into a free fall, plummeting to the ground, and I jolted awake.
Kat’s giggles snapped me out of my half-awoken dream state. “You just gonna sleep the day away?”
I groaned, rubbing my puffy eyes as sunlight leaked through my curtains. The light burned, and I shut my eyes tightly, fighting back the urge to hiss and throw my blankets over my head. “What time is it?” My voice cracked, and it took every ounce of my willpower to sit up.
“It’s three already. I called, but you didn’t answer, so I let myself in. It’s a good thing you gave me a key to your house, or you’d never be on time to anything.” She wasn’t wrong.
