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“She isn’t.” Ursiana’s voice was failing, and he feared she would become unconscious again.
“Then where is she?”
“I… can’t you feel it? Like a faint song. Maybe not so faint. I can stand. Can you put me down?”
He got her down from his shoulder, but laced his arms around her, holding her tight.
“Better?” he asked.
“Maybe.” Ursiana was thoughtful. “She’s in one of these realms, but I don’t even understand what this place is, how to move here, I can’t…”
He was about to wonder aloud how Leandra could have gotten in the hollow. What a stupid question—she was a deathbringer. Untrained, on top of that, carrying the weight of his magic, unaware how heavy it was. It was quite possible that she would end up lost if there was any trouble in Ironhold.
“Do you have a sense of direction?Any…” What could he say?Clue, tip, image? He was still unsure how Ursiana could sense their daughter, but then, there was so much more magic at work in the world than anyone understood.
Ursiana closed her eyes, thinking, then looked at him. “You have to find her, not me.”
Azir truly did not know how to do that, and yet didn’t want to disappoint her, didn’t want to leave Leandra lost. “How?”
She thought for a long while, then said, “I poisoned my heart with hatred, thinking it made me strong. Maybe it did. Maybe it did give me the push to carry on, and yet it kept me in the dark. It dampens the senses, Azir, overpowers logic. I’m sure it messes with magic too. Maybe it empowers it, maybe it was what gave me those dreadful vines, life-saving vines, and yet, I don’t think hate ever gave me clarity.”
He wasn’t sure where she was going with this. “Anger is a natural emotion.”
“Yes. Yet clinging to it is a choice. I made that choice, and I was wrong.” She looked at him. “I heard what you said, and I want to apologize. I blamed you, and you only for what happened.”
“Well, it wasn’tyourfault.”
“It wasn’t yours either. You were duped. I might have berated you for thinking the worst of me at the first chance you got, and yet, didn’t I do the same? I assumed the worst. Maybe you didn’t try to talk to me, but I didn’t try it either. Yes, it’s more complicated for women, but still… I mean, maybe there was nothing that could be done. Maybe there’s no point trying to look back and imagine what could have been different, and yet, clinging to anger doesn’t make anything better. This is what I wanted to say.I forgive yousounds wrong. It’s still placing the blame on you. I meant to say that I don’t want to hold on to my resentment, I don’t want to carry that hatred anymore. I understand what you did. Would I have done anything different had the situation been switched? I don’t think so.”
He held her hand. “We can talk when we get back. And you can still yell.”
She shook her head. “You need an unburdened heart to find clarity. You need a clear mind to find your way in the darkness. I know I’m not a deathbringer, but…”
“I regret what I did, Ursiana. It was wrong.”
“It all turned out well, though.” She closed her eyes. “I mean, Leah should never have been sent to Ironhold, but if she’s here, it means she has escaped.”
And yet, where was she? How could he know in which realm? “It’s worry that burdens my heart.”
She put a hand on his chest. “I know. You have to let go of that.”
There was a sweetness in that voice coming from her lovely lips. He’d kissed them so many times that he still remembered their taste. And yet this was not the moment to think about that. And then, if he needed clarity… Perhaps there was something he wanted to know.
“Ursiana, you said you’d forgive me.”
“Not forgive…”
He put a finger over her lips. “Hush. I know. I know you don’t want to blame me. But I have a question. You said we shouldn’t look back to what has been lost, to what could have been different, and maybe there’s wisdom in that. Now, is there a way we can make our futures different? Pick up where we left off?” It took some courage to say these words, to lay himself bare and vulnerable, open to be rejected. “Start over?”
“Two days ago, I would have saidover my dead body.” She snorted. “It felt so good to hate you. Bitter, but good. And yet I could never truly hate you. I thought I was hurting you, and yet I was just drinking poison.”
“You want to torture me with your riddles.”
He then realized he was touching her lower lip with his thumb. Ursiana kissed it. “Do I?”
She followed it with a quick swirl of her tongue. It was like fire bringing back memories, taking him back to a precious moment many years ago. A moment when nothing else existed but the two of them. Those lovely lips that could weave funny words, smart words, that were so sweet, and could also weave magic.
He barely felt when his lips touched hers, and then for some reason he was back in the ruins of the Formosa castle, right where he had retrieved the lightshield. Now that there was solid floor beneath them, his hands were free—free to undress her. It felt unreal, a strange dream, to see her body again, to feel her hands lifting his shirt, opening his trousers. Perhaps want was also a burden and he didn’t want to think how heavy his heart had been with it.
