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It felt unfair. She’d worked hard for the happiness she did have, pulling herself out of the pit back in Deep River and putting it behind her by choosing to come here. Yes, it had been hard to put on that brave face all the time, to be cheerful and positive, yet now it didn’t feel like quite so much of a struggle.
Now, she was in a good place. She felt almost happy in a way she hadn’t for a long time, and she didn’t want to have to go back to the struggle.
She wanted to live with Finn the way they were, taking whatever he had to give and being content with that.
But that isn’t enough for you, and it never will be. You don’t want to just take. You want to give as well.
She drew in a shaky breath, momentarily forgetting she was riding a horse along the most incredibly beautiful ridge on a warm late-summer day.
All she could think about was Finn’s dark eyes and the intensity that burned in them at night when he held her in his arms. When he was demanding and fierce, as if there were a furnace burning inside him and he had to let all that heat out somehow. Because he was trapped in that heat, burning himself alive…
Tears abruptly prickled in her eyes and she had to blink them back, shocked by the upwelling of grief inside her. She hated the thought of him being in so much pain. Shehatedit. Because he was in pain—she could sense it. He was trapped by his grief, and she knew how that felt. Sheknew.
He was riding next to a woman who seemed nervous on her horse, leaning in to say a few words to her, utterly in command of himself and the animal he rode. He radiated assurance and quiet confidence in what he was doing, and there was something so soothing and reassuring about that confidence. As if the world could go to hell, but if you were with Finn Kelly, you’d be okay because he’d know exactly what to do.
But…did he have anyone he looked to for reassurance? Did he have anyone he shared his fears with? His hopes and his dreams? Had they all died with his wife, or did he keep them to himself now?
You know he keeps them to himself. He shares nothing of himself with anyone.
Beth looked away, raising a hand to scrub away her tears. Stupid man. She got why he’d want to cut himself off from people. It was hard to reach out after you’d lost someone. It had been hard for her to pick up the phone and call her doctor that first time she’d realized she needed help, but she’d done it.
You couldn’t isolate yourself. That wasn’t the answer.
Aren’t you a fine one to talk? Wanting to handle everything yourself?
She had, it was true…until he’d come along and shown her it was okay to let someone else help to carry the weight. Then there was Chase and Izzy, leaning on each other, helping each other out.
The town as a whole was like that too: Evan McCahon bringing his paintings down to the gallery—if reluctantly. Shirley helping Bill in the general store. Everyone helped each other here.
But who helped Finn? She remembered the hug Bill had given him and Bill’s misty-eyed look. Remembered Evan striding in with a painting because Finn had asked him to. Remembered the other things people had said about Finn over the past couple of months she’d been here.
They all cared about him. He had his brother and Levi, so it wasn’t as if he didn’t have the support. But it was true that Finn distanced himself, kind of a part of things but not really. Why was that? Because of his wife? Because he was still grieving?
Beth gripped the reins tighter, a deep certainty shifting and settling inside her.
She didn’t want him to be alone. She wanted him to have someone, and she wanted to be that someone. In which case she was going to have to let him know that, to tell him that he didn’t have to close himself away, that he could share things with her—it was okay. Because she’d been through the fire like he had.
He wasn’t as alone as he thought he was.
She sat up a bit straighter on Carol, determination stiffening her spine, and when he came up beside her again, she turned and gave him a radiant smile. “You’re very good with the tourists. It’s sexy.”
That got her one of his half smiles in return. “Don’t flirt with the tour guide. It’s one of the rules.”
“Oh really? And what if I break it?”
“Then you won’t get the surprise I brought along for lunch just for you.”
Beth’s heart gave a little leap, because of course he’d brought her a surprise. “What surprise?”
“If I told you, then it wouldn’t be a surprise.” He gave her a measuring glance. “Ever tried trotting?”
“Um…how different is it to walking?”
“The same except bouncier.” With effortless grace, he urged Jeff into a trot, and she found Carol doing the same, following Jeff down the gentle slope as they headed into the bush.
Then all thoughts of Finn vanished; Beth was too busy trying to keep her seat. Finn was grinning as he rode back and forth along the line of tourists, making sure everyone was okay. There were laughs of delight and a few curses but no one fell off, and soon they were riding through the cool of the beech forest, sunlight dappling the ferns and the thick leaf litter that covered the trail.
“Just so you know, Finn Kelly,” Beth said breathlessly as Finn came up beside her once again, slowing his horse and thus everyone else’s horses, “trotting isnotthe same as walking.”
