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The entire walk home is filled with an awkward silence—not even a peep of dry conversation, or a hint of the flirty banter we had earlier. His arms are stiff, and he keeps to himself. Heck, he doesn't even glance in my direction once! I start to wonder if I've done something wrong, and panic starts to build within me as I replay tonight's events through my mind, going over them with a fine-tooth comb.Was he just pretending the whole time?
"Here we are," Ryder says, suddenly breaking the silence. It takes me a moment to register where I am. I didn't even realize that we'd turned into Silent Night Drive, much less made it to the front door of my parents' house.
"Home, sweet home," I mumble, digging around in my purse for my keys. "Thanks for walking me home." I try hard not to let my sadness or disappointment seep into my voice, but it isn’t easy. I was seriously starting to pin all my hopes and dreams on this guy. And now he’s clammed up like it was all just a game that he didn’t mean for me to take seriously.But I did. And now I’m hurt.
Plum pudding will never be the same…
He stays with me until I pull my keys out and turn for the front door. Then he makes a visible step back. Pain pangs my heart. I wish he could at leasttryto kiss me, rather than run away like he can’t wait to get away from me.
"Good night, Bella. Merry Christmas." He turns away and starts toward his house.
"Did I do something wrong?" I blurt out after him, my voice carrying in the cool night.
He stops in his tracks, but he doesn't look back at me. "Bella."
I puff up my chest, filling my posture with faux-confidence despite my instincts wanting me to break down in tears. "Was there something I did tonight to offend you? I’ve been trying to work it out, but I can’t put my finger on it. Did I say something that made you quiet for the rest of the evening?"
Silence. He just stands there, unspeaking, faced away from me. Fed-up, I turn away from him and stick the key into the front door. "Ugh, fuck this,” I mutter under my breath. “Good night, Ryder. Merry fucking Christmas."
"No," I hear him murmur, almost too quietly.
I turn back to face him, heart in my throat. "What did you say?"
He takes a deep breath before bringing his brilliant green eyes to meet mine. The Christmas lights from our houses seem to illuminate the pain hidden behind them—a pain he was able to hide so well throughout the evening, "No, Bella, you didn't do or say anything wrong. You're perfect just the way you are. Don’t ever doubt that." He turns away again.
I feel my hands shake from emotion as tears threaten to well up in my eyes. Whether it's anger or passion, I'm not sure. All I know is that it vibrates inside me and seeps into my words. "That's it? That'sallyou have to say?” I practically yell. “Are you fuckingkiddingme?" He flinches at my words, which agitates me further, making me clench my fists. "Did you even enjoy yourself tonight, Ryder? I thought it was perfect. And I’d do it again a thousand times over, just like that because it—you—wereperfect."
"I had awonderfultime with you tonight, Bella," he says through gritted teeth. "But I think that’s where it needs to end. You should go back inside to your family."
“What if I don’t want to? What if I don’t want the night to end?”
“Every night ends, Bella. Especially nights like tonight.”
“But—”
“Have a happy Christmas, Bella,” he says, then he turns around and walks away without another word.
“All I want for Christmas is you,” I whisper, watching him until he reaches his front path. I open the front door and go inside, feeling pretty sure my Christmas wish isn’t going to come true.
RYDER
Irelease my long-held breath as I shut the door to my house and remain standing by the entryway, my thumb and forefinger pinching the bridge of my nose. I can't stop thinking about her, how gorgeous she looked tonight in those damn sparkly tights. Every part of my body craves every part of her. Even when she was lying on top of me, knee jammed into my balls after our spill on the ice, I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to kiss her at the front of her parents' house too—after I’d made the decision to cut my losses and walk away from her—and it took everything I had in me to walk away.
What the fuck is wrong with me?I normally have a hell of a lot more control than this.
It’s just that there’s something about her. Something I can’t express or explain. In all my years, I never believed I’d find a woman I felt so connected to that I could actually imagine what happiness looks like. But with her…I spend one evening in her presence, and all I can do is think about a future with her in it—smiles, laughter,kids. She makes me want the whole shebang. And the shitty thing is, I know we won’t work,can’t work.She’s leaving in a week to go back to New York, so there’s absolutely no future here. I can’t do the big city, and there sure as hell aren’t any publishing houses in Christmas to keep her in this tiny town. So, we’re doomed from the start. At this point, even being friends is a terrible idea. I'm too drawn to her. Every inch of my soul wants to take her as my own. I don’t want her for a moment. No. If I open that door and take her into my bed, I’ll want to keep her forever. I’llneedto keep her forever. So my path is quite straight and clear—stay away until she leaves Christmas for New York.
That shouldn’t be so hard…
"Fuck," I grumble as I finally take off my coat and head to the bathroom. I hate that I'm doing this to myself—to her—but it's a lot better for the both of us if I just stay the hell away. If I give in to her and take what she’s so obviously willing to give, I don't know how I’d survive when she leaves on New Year's Eve. Not after knowing her intimately. One week together, then an entire year apart? That would be torture. Best-case scenario, I’d see her holidays and maybe some weekends. But that’s too long without her.Even a day apart would be too long once I’ve claimed her.
I splash my face with cold water and look at myself in the mirror.
"Just keep it in your pants for a week and this will all blow over," I say to my reflection, giving myself a stern talking to before I shake my head then chuckle. I'm being ridiculous, I know. This whole situation is absolutely ridiculous. It’s not normal to meet someone in the afternoon and be absolutely obsessed with them by evening. I’m being crazy, over the top, obsessive with this girl, and I can’t seem to stop myself. I peel off my clothes and take another look at myself, taking note of all my battle scars, my fingers gliding over a deep tear across my pec that was the result of taking shrapnel from a grenade while I was pulling another soldier to safety.Would it scare her to see the damage done to my body?
Would Bella be able to handle my past? The trauma of both my mindandmy body, or would she run away in horror at the first sign?She didn’t run in the diner…
“What does it matter?” I growl, shaking my head to break out of my trance. This whole thing is driving me nuts. It feels like my soul is being pulled in two directions—to her, and away from her. I need her. But I can’t have her.This week can’t be over fast enough.
