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But… she wasn’t his to have.
That realization barreled its way to the forefront of his mind. His head fell, and he looked to the concrete as he sucked in a deep breath. What was he doing? Not only was he breaking vows, he was punishing himself. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t stand there and watch something he wanted so badly but couldn’t have. It hurt. It hurt like a fucking thorn in his side. A sweep of emotions crawled up his throat, feeling as if hands were choking him. He lifted his head, eyes quickly roaming the outside patio that was filled with flowers, looking for water. And it was during his meltdown that Tilly’s gaze collided with his.
Tilly had been talking with Trevor about design work. She had an idea, one that she gotten from Gage. Priorities, she was guilty of not making herself one, too, but she had Gage to thank for opening her eyes. She sought him out to share what she was thinking and caught sight of him. The smile died on her lips. She recognized the look because it was one that had stared back at her a few times since meeting Gage. Their day together had been the best day she could ever remember having. It was so easy being with him, so easy believing that the world around them didn’t exist, that here and now was all there was. They both knew that was a beautiful lie. Her heart ached because wanting something you couldn’t have wasn’t easy. Finding something you never knew you were looking for, but at the wrong time, hurt like hell.
Where did they go from here? How many people did they hurt just so they could hold on to something they never should have reached for? Her eyes burned. She didn’t have the answer, even knowing what was expected. She walked to him, not stopping until she was pressed up against him, her arms going around his waist as she offered him silent understanding.
Gage wrapped his arms around Tilly’s shoulder, holding her tight against him. His head bowed, taking a brief second to close his eyes and reel in the scent of her. He kissed the top of her head and whispered, “I don’t know if I can do this, baby.” He confessed and admitted, “I feel the pain. The pain of leaving you, and it’s ripping me apart inside.”
Tears filled her eyes as her arms held him tighter. She didn’t want to let him go, but she didn’t know if she could do this either. Maybe it would have been better for them to not know, easier to let go because, at some point, they had to let go, but she was honest when she whispered, “The grass is greener.”
“Fuck,” Gage muttered. “Everything smells sweeter.”
She looked up at him, a face she’d only seen in pictures until today, but one she knew every line of. Even aching inside, she smiled when she teased, “The sun wasn’t brighter.”
Gage looked down and grinned. “Not like we fucking noticed anyway.” He laid his lips to her forehead, leaving them there. Memorizing the feel beneath them, the way her arms felt around him. Regretfully, he lifted his head. “Let’s get outta here.”
She wasn’t going to see him again. Even knowing it was for the best, the thought was unbearable. She had him now, so she tried to smile, tried to push back the pain. There would be plenty of time for that later. She reached for his hand. “Okay.”
Gage and Tilly spent the last few hours sitting in his truck, parked under an oak tree in the park. The talking they did was light, but the air surrounding them was heavy. Not just heavy with the guilt of what they were doing, but weighty with the knowledge that this wasn’t just the first time they’d spend together, but the last. Their kisses no longer held intensity of the need and want for each other, but rather, steady and slow for the remembrance. When they said goodbye, both held their emotions at bay, leaving them for the privacy of their hour drive.
Gage stood by Tilly’s car, his hands tucked in his pocket, so he wouldn’t reach for her, his head bent. She hadn’t been able to pull away, didn’t want to say goodbye to him. How the hell was she going to get past this? She didn’t know, but looking into his eyes, her heart broke. “I met the wrong man at the right time. I don’t regret my marriage because I have two beautiful children.” She lowered her head and inhaled, struggling to keep the tears at bay. “Now I meet the right guy at the wrong time.” Her eyes found his. “It hurts so fucking much.” She couldn’t stop the tears when she added, “I’m going to miss you.” Like air, but she didn’t say that.
Gage closed his eyes, felt her words enclosing his heart, squeezing the life from him. When he gained enough power, he lifted his head and looked into her eyes. The brightness was gone, replaced with sadness as it streamed down her face. Mindlessly, Gage removed a hand from his pocket and swept away a tear with his thumb. “Fuck.” He uttered and took a deep shaky breath. “Be happy.” He whispered, staring one last time in her eyes as he drifted his thumb down her cheek. Without another word, Gage turned and walked away. On the way to his truck, a tear coasted down his cheek as he sucked in an unsteady breath. He knew if he didn’t leave in that moment, he never would. He had to do what neither of them wanted to do. Be the man and walk away. So, he was the first one who pulled out of the park.
Tilly watched his truck, her eyes fixed on the spot long after he disappeared. Alone in that parking lot, she let it out, all that she’d held back, watching as her something wonderful drove out of her life. Only then did she start up her car. She went back to her life, not the same woman she’d been, but no one noticed.
Gage didn’t go home that night. There was too much swirling around in his head. There’d be no way he could mask the feelings that lay in his chest. He stayed in a hotel only thirty minutes from his house. The next morning, when he walked into his house, the heavy weight still on his shoulders, his wife had already left for work.
CHAPTER SEVEN
“Maybe we could go todinner.” Tilly woke up early to talk with Luke. Three days after saying goodbye to Gage, three days of living with an aching hole in her chest, she knew she needed to make some changes. Things had been good between Luke and her once; they could be again.
Luke turned from brushing his teeth, eyeing his wife from head to toe. He grinned around his toothbrush. “Where would you like to go?”
“Anywhere. I’d just like to go out...with you.”
Luke finished brushing his teeth, dropped the toothbrush on the counter before turning to her and pulling her close. “How about Friday?”
Tilly stiffened a bit, the memory of Gage’s arms around her still fresh in her mind. She felt like a traitor, pushed the thoughts back, but she didn’t let them go. She had to, but she just wasn’t ready yet.
“Friday sounds perfect.”
He kissed her, not long, not lingering, before he walked from the bathroom. She caught her reflection in the mirror, not understanding how no one else could see the pain behind her eyes, or the guilt; because even trying to make things work with Luke, her heart longed for someone else.
Friday was crazy, but she managed to block some time to go shopping. She bought herself a new dress and sandals. She showered and dressed, put on makeup and fixed her hair, straightening it with the flat iron. She was hopeful, desperately wanting to reconnect with Luke...wanting to find their way back to each other.
“Mom!” Ashley shouted before she appeared in the doorway, all flushed. “You didn’t bake the cookies for the choir party.”
“I know, but I bought some. There’s a tray on the table.”
“But Mom, I told everyone about your chocolate chip cookies.”
“I didn’t have time, Ash. Those are from the bakery. They’re very good.”
Ashley huffed out a breath and walked out of the room.
Tilly finished dressing, walking downstairs to see Ashley on her phone. She didn’t even look up when Tilly entered the kitchen. That annoyed her, but she tried to remember how it felt to be fourteen. She moved to the fridge and yanked open the door for a bottle of water when her cell went off. Even now, her heart leapt thinking it was Gage.
