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“Hey babe. I’m going to be late. The guys want to get a beer.” Luke said in way of greeting.
Tilly thought she misheard him. She closed the fridge door. “We’re going to dinner.”
Silence greeted that before Luke exhaled. “Shit. Sorry, Tillian. I forgot. Can we go another time? It was a shit day. We need to commiserate.”
Justin walked into the kitchen, carrying a mountain of laundry. “Mom, I need these washed; I have no clean clothes,” he said, moving to the mudroom and dropping his laundry on the top of the washer.
“Tillian?” There was an edge of impatience in Luke’s voice.
She looked down at her new dress, the hour she took to get ready, and he hadn’t even remembered.
“What’s for dinner?” Justin asked, yanking open a cabinet looking for something to eat.
It all bubbled up. Luke’s neglect, her kids expecting what they did of her, the loss of Gage...the one person who saw the woman in her.
“Enough!” Her sharp voice had her kids’ heads snapping to her. “Go have fucking drinks with your friends. Commiserate away.” Her eyes jerked to Justin. “Wash your own clothes and make your own dinner. You’re fifteen, figure it out. And Ashley, a thank you for the cookies was all you needed to say.”
“Tillian—”
She cut him off. “I’m going out. Don’t wait up.” She disconnected the call and grabbed her keys and purse.
“Mom?”
She stopped at the mudroom door, looked back at her kids and their bewildered expressions. “I do for you because I want to, not because I’m expected to. You both need to learn the difference.” Then she walked out, the door slamming in her wake.
She drove. Didn’t have any idea where she was driving to until she pulled into the park. Shutting off the engine, dropping her hands into her lap, she looked out at the metal awning, the table where she’d sat with Gage. Her heart hurt; she hadn’t meant to lose her temper, hadn’t meant to take out what she was feeling on her kids. They took her for granted, but she was partly responsible for that. What had her sitting there was the pain in knowing she was married to a man who no longer saw her. And the one man who did, he belonged to someone else. The tears started, filling her eyes and rolling down her cheeks. She didn’t know what to do, had very few options, but she knew she couldn’t continue the way she was.
_______________
Tilly finished boxing the last of the crafts, and loaded the boxes in her car. She’d drop them off at the local day care. She’d ordered a desk and chair, would move her laptop from the kitchen. A week after she flipped out on her family, ten days after she’d said goodbye to Gage, she’d taken her design for the patio she wanted to a local landscaper. She sat in her car in the parking lot and battled tears because he was always there...in her mind, in her heart. She missed him. Every damn day she reached for her phone, ached to know how he was, to hear his voice, to see his face. She didn’t, she never gave in to the need, but she wanted to so damn badly.
The design she had drawn up for her yard was one heavily influenced by Gage’s work. She did it on purpose. She couldn’t have him in her life, but she could be reminded of him every time she sat on her patio. She didn’t give a shit how that made her sound. She gave him up, she walked away from something wonderful, but she wasn’t going to tuck him in a box and pretend he didn’t exist, that he hadn’t changed her. He’d claimed a piece of her, and she knew she’d claimed a piece of him.
The owner of Shady Meadows Landscaping had been so impressed with her drawing, and because he recently lost his own designer to maternity leave, he asked her if she’d be willing to work up another image for a project he was working on. It had only been a week, but she had already completed two designs. She loved it, loved the challenge, loved that it was something that was hers.
Tilly stopped dusting her office and stepped up to the window. She wouldn’t be here if not for Gage, and all he’d done was make her realize she was more than what she had settled for. He made her believe in herself.
Justin popped his head into her office. She looked up and smiled. “Hey.”
He stepped into the room, leaned up against the wall, pushing his hands into his pockets. Tilly gave Justin her full attention.
He looked around her office before lifting his eyes to her. “You were right with what you said last week. You’re always doing stuff for us. It’s nice you have something that’s yours.”
Love moved through her. “I do enjoy it.”
“You can tell. You’re happier than you’ve been.”
Her heart twisted. She could admit now that she’d been unhappy for a while, even more so the last three weeks, but she’d tried to keep her feelings from her kids. A childhood should be one of exploration and discovery, not worry over the emotional needs of your parents...not like what she’d lived through. She hadn’t been so successful keeping her feelings in check last week, evident in Justin being here now, but he was right, being needed for more than carpools and lunches, she was finding her happy.
She walked to Justin but resisted touching him. “You and Ashley make me happier than I can say. You know that, right?”
He rolled his eyes. “Mom, yeah.”
“But I like finding where I fit, finding something that I can continue when the house is empty, and I no longer have bake sales and soccer banquets to plan.”
“I’m happy you have that too.”
At times, she saw Justin as the little boy he had been. Her shadow for so long. She loved that he was growing up, but she did miss her little boy. Silence settled between them, but plenty was said.
