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Tilly shut off her engine, but she didn’t climb from her car. She was still wearing her bracelet, but as much as she wanted to keep it on, she didn’t see how she could and not stir interest. Unclipping it, she gently placed it back in its box. She’d kept the wrapping paper too. Sentimental, but it was her first Christmas gift from Gage. She tucked it into her purse.
Climbing from the car and walking around to the trunk, she pulled out the few bags she had. Guilt moved through her, having bags to keep up the illusion. It was deceitful. No other way to look at it, but soon, it would all be out and they wouldn’t have to sneak around.
She entered the house to the sound of the television. Dropping her keys on the counter, she walked into the living room. Ashley was on the floor, a gingerbread house in front of her that she was in the process of building. Icing was everywhere, including her hair. She looked up, relief in her expression.
“Thank God, you’re home. I’m screwing this up.”
Another pang of guilt hit. Her daughter was doing their tradition alone while she was off with another man. If she dwelled on it, she could make herself sick. She wasn’t going to do that. She was home now.
Justin was napping, his head back on the sofa, his phone in his hand. Luke was nowhere to be seen, which stirred anger. Even when he was home, he wasn’t spending time with his kids.
“Where’s Dad?”
“Upstairs, I think.”
Those nerves came back with force, her legs unsteady as she started for the stairs. Remembering the change in Luke, she wondered if he was upstairs rooting through her shit, looking for proof? She wouldn’t put it past him. How did he know? Candice was the only one who knew, but Candice wouldn’t betray her confidence.
Tilly reached their room, her hand shaking when she turned the knob. At the sight of Luke on their bed, his head down, her focus jerked to his hands expecting to see he’d found something, something she’d left behind, but in his hands was a picture, one she knew by the frame. Her heart twisted. It was her favorite picture of them, taken when neither knew, a candid shot of them looking at each other laughing...their love almost palpable. The reminder of who they had once been, it was like taking a hit from a careening ball, the memory of what they once shared, the love that had seemed never ending and undying, it almost knocked her to her knees. It was in no more than a rough whisper when she said, “Luke?”
“Where were you?” He asked, but there wasn’t any anger or even accusation.
Guilt lodged in her throat; she squeezed the words around it. “I told you. Last minute shopping.”
It was only then that he looked up at her, but his expression was not one she could read. Her heart was beating to the point of pain. Her purse grew suddenly heavier, the weight of her affair in the form of a bracelet weighing it down. “It’s Christmas Eve. You’re always home, whipping up cookies, arranging the gingerbread houses, preparing the pizza for dinner.”
She waited for the switch, for the anger and the accusation. Part of her wanted him to just come out with it, part of her wanted it to be done. She didn’t want to ruin the holidays, but it was one Christmas. They’d all get over it.
“I’ve taken you for granted.”
His words so softly spoken, she thought she’d misunderstood them.
“Ashley asked me to help her with the gingerbread house, and I didn’t even realize you made them. I thought you bought them.” He put the picture on the bed, stood, taking a deep inhale. “I work so hard, both love and hate my job...it keeps me from you. And I allowed that resentment to shift to you. But I realize that was wrong of me.” He held her gaze for a second before he added, “There’s so much you do around here that I never noticed.”
He moved toward her, and when he pulled her into his arms, she went stiff. It was too little, too late, but even as she thought that, the familiarity of his body, how she fit so perfectly to him. His scent, one she loved, had her inhaling deeply, remembering. In the early days of his job, she’d sleep on his pillow just so she could smell him. Her body relaxed, her head resting on his chest, the sound of his heart beating under her ear had tears burning her eyes. She squeezed them closed, the tears wetting her lashes.
His voice was low and deep, his arms tightening around her. “You always used to smile and laugh. God, I could watch you for hours, doing nothing more than moving around the kitchen. The sight of you hit me right in the chest.”
Tilly turned her head into his chest, her tears falling harder now. She remembered that. Remembered a time when she had been the center of his world. When he’d come home early from work and surprise her. The days when he had been spontaneous, fucking her whenever and wherever he could. How had she forgotten that?
“I miss you, Til. I miss you so fucking much,” he whispered.
He hadn’t called her Til in so long. She dropped the bags she was holding, her arms moving around him, holding him as tightly as he held her. Why now? Her heart was breaking. Why did he remember now when she’d found love in another? Her body started to shake, the sob ripping from her. Luke held her tighter, his hand moved up her back, palming the back of her head, holding her closer. “I have a lot to make up to you, but I will. Fuck, Til, I want us back.”
That only made her cry harder, because right then in that moment, there was a part of her that wanted that too.
He pulled back, framing her face with his hands. The memories were so thick, teary eyes looking into sad ones. “I made you cry.” He wiped the tears from her face. She saw the hunger, felt it too, when he lowered his head, brushed his lips over hers. His fingers tightened when he took the kiss deeper, her mouth opening, her tongue seeking his...remembering. He pulled his mouth from hers; she recognized the look. It had been a long time, but she remembered. “I’m going to help Ashley with her house.” He kissed her again, deeper in promise. “But later, I’m going to show you just how much I’ve missed you.”
He walked from the room, stopping at the door to glance back at her and smile. She dropped onto the bed and reached for the picture. She studied it, running her fingers over his image as she remembered. Her battered heart tore in two, a part wanting a future with Gage and a part longing for what she had with Luke. Seventeen years of marriage, nineteen years together. Saying goodbye to that was going to be hard.
She waited to hear Luke’s footsteps on the stairs before she pulled out her bracelet, opened the lid and lovingly ran her fingers over it. She once loved Luke, and if she was being honest, she still did, but it was Gage...a life with him that she wanted. Next year, things would be different, better for all of them. She’d make sure of it. Hiding her bracelet and wrappings in the back of her drawer, she dropped the bags in the dressing room before heading downstairs. She stopped at the base of the stairs and took in the scene. Luke had turned on Christmas music, the lights on the tree twinkling, the scent of the candles spicing the air. But what had her heart rolling in her chest was seeing Luke on the floor with Ashley. He’d only been there for a few minutes, but he was as covered in icing as she was. It was the smiles and the laughter that settled comfortably in her chest. Love. A kind of familiar love that wrapped around her like a blanket. She wiped at the tears that wet her cheek, pulling that blanket a little closer because it would be their last Christmas together.
With more joy in her voice than she felt, she called, “I’m starting the cookies.” Justin stirred from his sleep, as she knew he would. “I’m going to need taste testers.”
Not even sleep kept Justin from her cookie batter. “That’d be me!”
She memorized the scene to keep with her always. Next year, there would be other memorable scenes because life went on, even when it was rocked you and knocked you down, it continued on, and they would continue on with it.
