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That night, after the kids went to bed, Luke kept his promise. For the first time in a long time, it wasn’t just sex, but love, in the way he touched her, kissed her, and even as her body found pleasure, her heart cracked because this was goodbye...to her past, to the life she knew. It hurt more than she expected.
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Gage sat on the couch, his wife and daughter on the floor surrounded by ripped holiday wrapping paper. Velvet lying beside Heather’s bent leg, gnawing on a new chew toy. The girls were giggling at the same mug they had bought one another. Different in so many ways, but alike in others. He smiled, even though his heart felt heavy. This would be the last time they’d spend Christmas together. Neither knew that and that’s what hurt him the most. It’s as if he wanted to tell them. Hoping that maybe they’d soak up what he was trying to do. The fun. The laughter. The exchanging of gifts. The smell of homemade cinnamon bread baking in the oven. The… family togetherness. Because there wouldn’t be times like this anymore. The thought had his body growing cold. The two girls laughing were his life, always had been. How could he walk away? Like none of this existed. Jesus. His past, present and… no, his future was elsewhere. He was going to break them, and it would be his fault. He was willing to take on that burden for what stood on the other side.
“Dad,” Scarlett called, breaking him of his thoughts. When Gage brought his eyes to hers, she asked, “There’s snow, you ready?” A twinkle in her eye.
Gage shook the sadness and smiled, letting out a soft chuckle. “Yeah, sweetheart, I’m ready.”
He swallowed hard when Scarlett jumped up and ran up the stairs, shouting, “I’m gonna win this year.”
She was… because Gage was going to let her. His and Scarlett’s Christmas tradition, if the weather permitted, was building a tiny snowman village. And the hour time they gave the competition, Heather would take the bread from the over, butter three slices and bring them outside, each enjoying the goodness of it while she judged their villages. Again, Gage was going to ruin that for all of them.
As he pulled his coat on, his mind changed gears, thinking should he leave. Should he break up their family? Yeah, he loved Tilly, more than anything, but would he be able to force those feelings down so he wouldn’t ruin the lives of his family. But that wouldn’t be fair to them, only giving them enough of him to carry on day to day. Not to mention, the thought of never seeing Tilly again caused a pain to flow through his body, the aching enough to bring him to his knees.
“Hey?” Heather called.
He hadn’t even realized he was standing in the kitchen, his jacket on, staring at the table where in just a few hours he and his whole family would be crowded around enjoying the dishes prepared by Heather and his mother. God, Gage didn’t even think about whether or not him leaving his family would affect his parents. Probably not, because the last time he spoke to them was on Thanksgiving, and even at that, it was only a few words before his father engrossed himself in the football games on the television. Heather always held the contact with his parents, making the plans for Holidays and birthdays. Jesus, he didn’t think about that either, that he’d have to reach out to them, make the plans.
“Honey,” Heather called again.
This time, Gage lifted his eyes from the table to her. He took in the beige cable knit sweater she had on that she had just unwrapped an hour ago. On his way home from being with Tilly yesterday, he rushed through a department store buying gifts for his wife. Fuck. He was a real asshole. But it looked great on her, as most things did. He took her in, all of her. Fuck. She had that look in her eyes. The one that said she wouldn’t be anywhere but here. His heart began to crack into a million pieces, the sound echoing through his ears.
Gage swayed, the pain, guilt… all of it hitting him like a damn freight train.
Heather rushed, grabbing her husband’s arm, as he reached out for the table. “Gage, you okay?”
He shook his head, the dizziness shaking off. “Yeah,” he whispered.
She tilted her head, studying him. “Are you sure?”
He stood, his balance better. “Yeah, I’m good, honey.”
Heather laid a hand on his abs. “After the Holidays, I think I’m going to leave my job, make things right around here.” She gave Gage a small smile. “You deserve that.”
That sensation came flooding back, but he held his ground. This… this was what he wanted from her. To be here. To be present. She was going to give that to him. Now, of all times. As he looked down at her, he lifted a finger, grazing it along her cheek, he smiled, a part inside of him wanting what was right in front of him.
With all that was weighing on his mind, he still leaned down and kissed his wife on the forehead in answer because there wasn’t much he could say at the moment; his words were stuck. Heather smiled at her husband as their daughter walked into the kitchen, bundled and ready for her Christmas tradition with her father.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
The temperatures had dropped, butthe snow was holding off. The earlier storm had blanketed the area, but not enough to keep people inside, not enough to keep Tilly and Gage from driving an hour to spend time together.
Tilly and Gage strolled through Longwood Gardens hand in hand, the holiday lights twinkling around them while sipping on hot chocolate with a kick. It wasn’t her wool coat or even the hot chocolate that kept her warm, but feeling Gage’s hand around hers. Something so simple, but like it was with all things Gage, it was right...perfect.
“Did your family manage to eat both the ham and the turkey?” She asked, as they stopped by the fountains, the water surging with lights that flashed in time to the Christmas carols. Wide-eyed little kids staring in awe at the sight.
Gage looked down at Tilly, bundled in her coat, a red and black printed scarf, a knit hat to match. Her nose was pink, on her exhales you could see her breath. Gage smiled when she looked to the kids and grinned at the mom looking back at her. Gage didn’t answer her question, just spoke what was on his mind. “You’re beautiful.”
Her head turned at his words, looking at him to see the expression on his face, one she saw often when he looked at her...soft loving eyes. She studied him for a second, his broad shoulders in the brown leather jacket, his salt and peppered hair a bit more salted. She whispered, “So are you.”
Kids laughter caught Gage’s attention, his eyes drifting to them before coming back to Tilly. His voice was soft when he asked, “Do you want more kids?” There was no right or wrong answer to that question, just one that Gage had given thought as they reached closer to leaving their spouses and starting a life together.
Tilly wasn’t sure what emotion she felt more strongly at that question, love or want. She’d thought about it, children with Gage. It was one of those things she didn’t let herself dwell on because she didn’t want to be disappointed if he didn’t. “Having your kids? Yes, I want that.”
Gage’s smile started slow, but it reached his eyes right before he told her, “Then you’ll get that.” His head descended and he laid a kiss to her cold nose. “I love you,” he muttered, letting his lips linger there.
She held his hand tighter, moved up against him to feel his solid strength. Sometimes, it felt like a dream, one she’d wake up from. “Is it possible to be too happy?” She asked, staring up at him with love.
