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“Are you worried about Ben?” I asked when Aaron checked his phone for the umpteenth time.
“Yeah,” he said. “Is it that obvious? I’m a control freak.”
I shook my head. “You’re not a control freak at all. You’re a concerned parent. You care about him and where he is. Not enough people are like that these days.”
“You think so?” Aaron asked. “I guess you see all kinds of people in your job.”
I nodded. It wasn’t a lie that I came across all kinds of people in my job, even though it wasn’t quite like Aaron thought.
“I think it’s great how you’re so invested in him. You’ll give up everything for him if you have to.”
Aaron nodded and popped a square piece of chicken into his mouth after he cut it. “I’ll give it all up,” he said around his food before he swallowed. “And it terrifies me.”
“Why?” I asked and looked up at him. I chewed on the perfectly cooked asparagus with sesame seeds and avocado oil. I’d always thought Olivia was the only cook in the world who could convince me to eat asparagus, but here I was, chewing away at the stuff because Aaron’s food was so damn good.
Before glancing at me, he pushed his food around his plate.
“I feel like I already gave it all up for him, and somehow, it’s never enough. When I’m with him, I feel like I’m trapped. When I’m away from him, I want to be with him. It’s this crazy ride where I chose to raise him, and now…it’s not that I regret it. It’s just…” he let out a deep breath, billowing his cheeks. “It’s not always as easy as they make it sound.”
“Who’s they?” I asked.
Aaron shrugged. “People.”
I grinned at him despite the seriousness of the conversation. It sounded exactly like the many conversations Olivia and I have had together.
“I think it’s supposed to be hard,” I offered. “If it’s easy, you’re doing something wrong. You’re invested, you care, and you give up parts of yourself so he’ll be okay. That counts for something. That means you’re a good dad, but I don’t think it will ever be easy.”
“I just wish I had help sometimes, you know,” Aaron said. “I wouldn’t change a thing. I love Ben to death and would never wish him away. I just don’t always want to be the only one.” He thought about it for a moment. “It’s not that I don’t feel like I’m getting help from you,” he added quickly. “I just––”
“I get it,” I said. “A nanny isn’t the same as a mother.”
Aaron nodded. “Yeah.” He took another bite, and we sat in silence for a moment before he spoke again.
“No doubt, Carol told you about how Ben and I came to be.”
I swallowed hard and nodded, feeling guilty that we’d been gossiping, although I hadn’t exactly tried to pry.
“I think what you did is really brave,” I said. “And noble. You stepped up to the plate when no one else did, and it’s not an easy thing to do.”
“Everyone tells me how brave I was,” Aaron said dully. “No one tells me that it might have been stupid.”
“It wasn’t.”
Aaron nodded. “I just wish I could give him more, you know?”
“I think every parent feels that way, but he won’t miss what he doesn’t know. Isn’t that how it goes?”
“Maybe…I just don’t know. I guess we’ll find out one day if I did a good job when we see what kind of man he turns out to be.”
“I can already see what man he’ll be,” I said.
Aaron looked up at me with questions in his eyes.
“A man just like his father. He already has the right foundation. He’s compassionate and open to others, he sees things, and he thinks his choices through. He isn’t difficult or spoiled, even though he easily could be. He’s a good kid. That’s thanks to you.”
Aaron shook his head, and I struggled to decipher the expression that crossed his features before he pushed it away again.
“What about you?” he asked.
