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“Tell me where your head’s at,” Richard said. “For the record, so you know how I feel right here and now…Sabrina is a cunning bitch, and I don’t trust her being here at all.”
“Yeah, me either,” I said and swirled my drink around in my glass. “The thing is, she’s doing everything right. By law, she should be able to see Ben, have some form of custody of him, and be in his life…God, just thinking about it makes me sick. I don’t know where she gets off thinking it’s fine to come back into his life like this, but the law is on her side since she’s his mother. And then a part of me thinks that maybe I should do it, maybe I should let her be in his life. Isn’t this what I always wanted?”
“Is it?” Richard asked.
I shrugged. “I’ve always wanted help. I’ve always wanted not to have to do this alone, you know? I wanted a break, times when Ben was with someone else where I didn’t have to worry about him all the time and try to be the best version of myself for him to look up to. Being a dad is fucking hard, and I’ve always wished for a breather.” I glanced up at Richard. The alcohol made it easier to talk to him, and the fact that it turned out he’d always thought well of me. “I should be happy this is happening. I should be happy I’m finally getting what I want.”
“But you’re not,” Richard pointed out.
I shook my head. “I’m fucking pissed at her for doing this. I’m furious that she’s trying to screw us over like this and that she’s probably going to confuse the living shit out of Ben, too. But aside from all that…I feel so empty.”
“Empty?” Richard asked. He looked confused.
“Yeah. I feel everything I thought I wanted isn’t what I wanted. I don’t want Ben to be somewhere else, even though it’s fucking hard to have to raise him. I thought I would be happy to just be able to party and drink and not worry about responsibility, but without him…I don’t know who I am anymore. He’s everything, and my life as a father has so much more meaning than whatever shit I can come up with without him.” I took a deep breath and billowed my cheeks as I blew it out. “I thought what I wanted was freedom, but it turns out I had it all wrong.”
Richard nodded, listening quietly as I talked. I told him about Jade, about how good she was with Ben, and how much he liked her. How muchIliked her.
“You fell in love with the nanny?” Richard finally asked.
I glanced up at him, expecting a mocking expression, laughter in his eyes. When he looked at me, his face was sincere.
“I guess I did,” I admitted. “But that can never work.”
“Why not?”
I sighed and told Richard what had happened. I told him about the week in Aspen, which happened thanks to him increasing my workload, and how I’d fallen for Jade so hard I was still reeling. I told him about how she’d arrived at the office when Sabrina was there and how I’d lost her again.
“It’s so stupid. Through all of this, I shouldn’t be thinking about a woman. I should focus on Ben and what all of this means, but I can’t stop thinking about her.”
“You’re really serious about her?” Richard asked. “Like, long-term, let her be Ben’s stepmom, serious?”
I nodded. “I know it sounds crazy, but––”
“It might sound like a loophole, but I think you should consider following through with this.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m not talking about just your happiness. Obviously, that’s a thing, and I think if you love someone, you should be with them, but if she’s in Ben’s life and he has a stable family, then it might swing things in your favor with the courts too. You know, with all this custody bullshit Sabrina is throwing at you.”
I thought about it. Maybe Richard was right.
“It’s not that simple,” I said. “I want her in my life, but I don’t think she wants me anymore. I don’t blame her after how I treated her––there’s a reason I haven’t tried to call her again.”
“Maybe you should,” Richard suggested.
I shook my head. “As much as I want her, I won’t use her to get what I need with Ben.”
Richard sat back in his seat. “You know what? This is why you will always be better than me. Even in the middle of it all, you’ll still do the right thing rather than find a way out.” He clapped me on the back. “We’re going to figure this out, okay?”
I nodded. I didn’t know what the future held, but I was grateful for one more person on my side. That counted for something.
I couldn’t believe my brother and I were okay. We still had some talking to do, and it would take a while before I trusted that he wasn’t just mocking me or pointing and laughing. But if he proved himself, and I saw that he was serious when he said he’d always admired me, I would let him be in my life.
I could use all the people in my corner right now because I had a feeling this would get a lot worse before it got better.
19
JADE
