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We don’t want to know.
But we do.
Dr. Madison finishes the exam and turns to Alex and takes her hand. “I’m sorry to say that I’m not able to find any sign of an embryo in your uterus. The ultrasound shows fluid pooling in your abdomen, which indicates your pregnancy is ectopic and has ruptured. We will need to take you in immediately for surgery.”
“Now?” I blurt out.
She nods. “An ambulance is on the way to transport Alex to Swedish Hospital up the street. I hope that laparoscopic surgery will be possible, but considering what seems to be a significant amount of internal bleeding, we most likely will have to do an invasive procedure called a laparotomy.”
As she explains the procedure and all of the risks my focus is on Alex.
She’s staring at the wall like a zombie.
“I’ll leave you two alone to discuss, but things are going to move quickly. I’ll be back with the paperwork.”
“Give me my phone.” Alex snaps to attention once the doctor leaves and reaches for it, wiggling her fingers. “Now, will you go outside for a minute and see what we can do about the press? The hospital might give us a private area if they’re not overbooked. I just don’t want either of us to have to deal with the loss of our baby in public.”
At this point, I’ll do anything for her. “Okay.”
“Jace?” I hear Alex call as I step out of the room. I peer back in at her. “Come back as fast as possible. I’m scared. Really,reallyscared.”
I can’t help it. Tears well up. “I’ll be back in a second, Poppy. I love you. We’ll get through this.”
Even I know what the doctor didn’t say out loud.
We may not get through this.
And I’ll never be able to go on without her.
Ishould have told him about the cramps.
Last night, after Jace and I went to bed, I felt a sharp pain in my lower abdomen. Kinda like my menstruation cramps used to feel, just twenty times off-the-charts severe. It only lasted a couple of seconds. I didn’t bother to wake him up because it was one and done.
After the incident, it was hard for me to relax. I was panicked. One minute I would go from being hot and sweaty and feeling like I was going to vomit. The next minute, I was freezing cold and shivering. Eventually I fell asleep. When we woke up, everything seemed back to normal. No pain. No cramps. No nausea. No weird feverish symptoms.
We had a great morning with our daughter.
Then, on the drive to the clinic, I felt a slight discomfort in my lower abs which seemed to disappear as fast as it came on. I visited the ladies’ room while Jace bought us iced tea. I was relieved to find out I wasn’t bleeding. There was no discharge. But, a dull pain permeated my entire pelvic area, making it hard to walk. It passed a couple minutes later, and I managed to pull myself together. Even if it took every ounce of stamina I had.
I didn’t want to worry Jace. Not when we were mere moments away from my doctor appointment.
I figured we had plenty of time.
Except the little flutters of pain flared and intensified on our walk to Dr. Madison’s office. By the time we got to the elevator, I could hardly breathe. A slicing, stabbing sensation in my vagina caused me to crumble. The utter and total agony took it all out of me. If Jace hadn’t been there, I would have passed out. No question.
By the time we arrived at the clinic, time began to stand still. Like I was floating. Almost like an out-of-body experience. Maybe it was my coping mechanism.
Because I knew it was all over.
There was no baby.
Our baby was gone.
I’m in the ambulance. We’re heading to the hospital where I’m going back in for surgery. After Dr. Madison explained that my fallopian tube likely ruptured, I’ve been mentally in and out of paying attention. The grief I feel is too deep. Too overwhelming.
The moment we arrive at the hospital, everything happens at lightning speed. The energy is frenetic. I’m being rushed somewhere. Voices above me are either loud and shouting or hushed. They’re talking about me like I’m not even here.
Maybe I’m not here. It sure feels like I’m floating away.
