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My head feels like it’s stuck in mud. My body’s numb. I know Jace holds my hand. He’s whispering to me. Telling me how much he loves me. I can’t exactly comprehend what else he’s saying. I’m confused. Am I going back into surgery?
The one thing I do know, is if I make it out of this, I’ll be irreparably damaged. Losing half of my reproductive system earlier this year felt like I was paying for a crime I hadn’t committed. Before that first surgery, Dr. Madison looked me straight in the eye and said, “You will have babies.”
I believed her.
And now, it’s all over.
I’ve lost our child.
“Her fallopian tube has ruptured, which means it’s too late for a methotrexate shot.” I vaguely hear Dr. Madison speaking to Jace as a couple of orderlies run me down the hospital corridor. “I’m scrubbing in now; we are out of time. The blood pooling in her abdominal area will kill her if we don’t get her in as soon as humanly possible.”
Running alongside me, Jace grips my hand tightly, pleading, “Do whatever it takes to save her. Please don’t let anything happen to her.”
“Jace,” I try to speak.
He doesn’t hear me.
“Jace,” I croak a little louder.
Everything comes to a stop just before we reach two big double doors.
“Mr. Deveraux, Dr. McLoughlin will show you to where you can wait,” someone I can’t see says.
“Jace?” I try to squeeze his hand but I have no strength.
He leans over to kiss me. His hair curtains my face. His hands stroke my head. His face is soaked with tears. “I’ll be here waiting for you. You’re going to be okay. I love you.”
“I love you.” My lips are moving but I’m not sure if anything comes out. He’s so beautiful in his grief. His hair is so long. His jaw is set. Two days’ worth of stubble. His teary, green eyes bore into my soul. He holds up one hand like he’s waving goodbye before the doors close behind me and he’s gone.
Goodbye, my love.
My vision is so blurry. It feels like black fog is forming around my eyes. I can’t feel anything. I can hear words but have no ability to make out what’s being said or who’s saying it. I just want to sleep. Disappear. Get away from this heartbreak.
I’m jolted alert when my body begins to shake uncontrollably. All around me are loud voices and frenzied movement. There’s an incessant beeping sound. I can’t seem to make out what’s happening. I can’t gain control over my body. It’s just me, Alex, helplessly flopping around on this gurney.
Above me a bunch of masked faces look down. A poke in my arm and my body quiets. Relaxes.
No matter how positive and hopeful you try to be, when life keeps smacking you down, eventually you break. Breaking can be one quick snap, like a twig in a dry forest. Or, hundreds of little minuscule fissures that eventually weaken you to the point where everything just falls apart.
I’m not sure which of these happened. My brain is so foggy, it’s hard to analyze.
Maybe it doesn’t matter because the end result is the same.
I’m not coming out of this.
I can’t believe it’s going to end this way.
It feels like years since I carried Alex into the clinic.
Months since the ambulance ride over to this hospital.
Nearly four hours since Alex came out of surgery.
Twenty-seven hours. That’s how long we’ve been here.
Alex is still in ICU. My family is here. Her family is here. Carter and Lianne are here. Zane and Fiona are coming home from Hawaii to be with us. Connor and Ronni will be here in a couple of days. I texted both Ty and Zoey and haven’t heard a thing.
Which figures. If it’s not about them…
