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Fuck. I can’t think like that. When Ty was in the hospital with Zoey after her accident, Zane was the only one who stuck around to help him. It’s all a matter of perspective, I suppose. If Ty felt half as scared and helpless as I do now, I should be ashamed of myself for not being there. I’ll try to do what Alex encouraged before this nightmare began. Reserve judgment.
“Jace.” Dr. Madison raises her hand when she sees me. Her hair is knotted and wild. Her eyes are sunken. By the way she trudges toward me, it’s apparent she’s utterly and thoroughly exhausted. “First of all, I’m so very sorry for the loss of your child.”
I bite my lip and breathe out through my nose. “Thank you.”
“I want to fill you in on what happened in there. Alex is in for a bit of a recovery. Not just physically, but mentally.”
“She’s alive. That’s the most important thing.”
“I need you to understand how lucky we are. If the two of you had been here half an hour later, we would be having a very different conversation. It was clear when you arrived, Alex was going into shock. That’s why we called the ambulance the moment we realized how serious her condition was. We made it to the hospital within fifteen minutes. Had her in pre-op minutes later. When we wheeled her into the operating room, Alex had a seizure before we were able to administer the pre-op medications. This accelerated the process. It was clear, due to the complications, we had to perform a laparotomy—a dramatically invasive version of the procedure we did a couple of months ago. We made two large incisions, one across her abdomen and the second for a drain. The damage, it was catastrophic. Her fallopian tube had burst and we couldn’t save it. By this point, Alex lost half of her blood. We nearly lost her a couple of times. She’s a fighter. She’s also very lucky to be alive.”
Jesus.
I have no words. I mean, what do you say to that? I just look at Dr. Madison in disbelief.
“She’s stable now. We’ll want to keep her in ICU until her levels normalize. When we clear that hurdle, you should plan on her spending a bit of time here.” She lets out a huge sigh. “I’m so sorry, Jace. I truly didn’t foresee your journey ending like this, but sometimes there’s no way to predict.”
I shut my eyes to block out a wave of pain. When I manage to look at her again, she’s regarding me empathetically. “I’m just grateful you saved her life. Nothing matters to me without her.”
“If you’d like me to talk to your families, let me know. I’m happy to answer any questions.” She reaches over and touches my elbow.
I glance down the hall. Everyone who’s made it here is waiting for some news. “No. You’ve had a rough day too. Can I go in and see her?”
“Dr. McLoughlin has offered to bring you in. Please know that visiting in ICU can be...jarring.” She leans forward on her elbows. “She’s connected to a number of machines and drips. The fluids we’re giving her to keep her hydrated make her look bloated. Her body’s been through a huge trauma. She won’t be responsive because she’s on some very strong pain-killing drugs and sedatives to keep her calm and help the healing process.”
Seamus appears behind Dr. Madison. His eyes are rimmed with dark circles and he looks like he could fall over at any moment, but goddamn if I don’t want to kiss him for staying. I can’t do this alone.
“Jace, I’ll be back to check on Alex in the morning. She’s in excellent hands.” Dr. Madison gets up, touches my shoulder, and leaves.
“Will you bring me to her?” I bury my face in my hands. “I’m losing my mind, Seamus.”
He moves over to me and gives me a hug. I cling to him like he’s the last person on earth. I need this contact. Anything for a bit of comfort. “Jace.” He pats my back. “I’ll take you to her, but you have a roomful of people out there who love Alex. Let’s give them an update. Then, you’ll be free to sit with Alex as long as you want.”
I follow Connor’s brother to the waiting room where I spent the entire day. The first two people I see are Andrea and Alan, who sit together crying, clasping hands. Alex told me how acrimonious their divorce was, so this is a sight I thought I’d never see. My mom jumps out of her seat when she sees me, crushing me in her embrace. Pops follows. The two of them envelop me. Jordan and Jen stand behind them, their faces solemn. Carter and Lianne sit off to the side, almost hesitant to interfere.
I pull away from my folks. “You have no idea how much I—we—appreciate you all being here. Alex had a rough time, I wanted to come out to see you before they take me to her. Seamus is going to explain what happened. I don’t think I can—” My voice breaks in a sob. I try to recover, but it’s no use.
My pops wraps his arm around my shoulder. “Jace, go be with Alex. That’s where you belong. We’re all here for you.”
“Okay.” I start to go back down the corridor, but I turn back and address Alex’s parents. “I’ll be with her for a bit, but I know you’ll want to be in there too. Just give me...”
Alan holds up his hand. “Go to her.”
I nod. Seamus waves an orderly over, who leads me down the hall. A nurse waits at Alex’s door. “Mr. Deveraux, before you go in, I want you to know that when you see her like this it’s natural to feel helpless and anxious. You and Alex’s family should be prepared for hours, even days to go by with no change to her condition. For now, the best thing you can do is take turns sitting by her side. She’ll know you’re here. Having her loved ones around her will give her comfort and the ability to heal.”
Nothing prepares me for seeing my Poppy so weak. I’m absolutely devastated. I can’t help but feel guilty for being so greedy. Lena is perfect. She’s enough. We were so foolish to play with Alex’s health like this.
I pour my heart out to her for hours and hours. Recount our adventures. Reminisce about various places in the world we traveled to. Gush about Lena. The horses. Mitch. Tell her how mad I am we’re not married. Confess that I’ve been stupid and weak for not recognizing she was hurting. Mostly, I just kiss her. Hold her hand. Stroke her hair. Whisper how much I love her and can’t lose her.
Beg her to come back to me.To us.
Throughout, various hospital personnel are in and out of her room. Checking her vitals. Changing the bags. Scribbling stuff on clipboards. I even don’t notice Seamus behind me. He puts his hand on my shoulder. “One thing I’ve learned since my surgical rotation is if you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t take care of your loved ones. Lena needs her daddy, Jace. Alex’s mom and dad are here to sit with her. Let them. The thing is, we hope to bring her out of this sometime tomorrow if her vitals continue to improve. My recommendation is you talk to your family. Set up a visitation schedule so you can be with your daughter and keep some normalcy in her life. Hopefully catch some sleep so you’re on your A-game when Alex is awake and alert. That’s when she’s going to depend on you the most.”
An hour later, I’m back in Alex’s childhood bedroom. My daughter is cuddled next to me. She’s sound asleep, her arm flung across my chest. Her little hand clutches a lock of my hair. I turn my face to breathe in her sweet smell. Vanilla cookies. Lena’s plump lips puff out little bursts of air.
Silent tears stream down my face. I’ve never cried so much in one day. The grief is so overwhelming it bears down on me like I’m being compressed by a vise. At some point, I fall into a deep, dreamless sleep.
* * *
