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“It wasn’t wonderful forme, Dad.” I grimace. “All afternoon you made mean jokes about my travel influencer career. You poked fun at my volunteer work. The entire time I was there, you essentially roasted me. It was mortifying to be humiliated by my own dad in front of his friends. I got the fuck out of there. By the time I drove onto the ferry, I was furious. Wounded. But, also in a panic. All I could think about was how stupid I was. How my life was over because I was knocked up by a dude who was leaving on tour in a month. How embarrassed you’d be. Do you know what I did?”
Dad shakes his head. “No.”
“When the pregnancy test was negative, I took my anger at you out on him. I said some very hurtful things to Jace. About how happy I was not to be saddled with a kid whose father wouldn’t be there. I took all my frustration from the day and directed it at the man who loved me more than anything in the world. Even after I eviscerated him, he wanted me to stay. When he couldn’t convince me, he dropped me off at Mom’s. I’ll never forget how devastated he looked when he drove off. But also resigned. Like he’d grant me what I asked for. So he did. He let me go.” I shrug. “Except, he never wanted to leave me. He did it for me.I’mthe one who drove him to it and spent two long years convincing myself I’d made the right decision.”
Dad moves toward me tentatively but thinks better of it. Plops back down. “God, Alex. I didn’t realize I’d hurt you so badly.”
I take a minute to breathe. “You did.”
“Are you finished?” He’s holding back, trying to be patient. He’s not succeeding.
“Almost. I’ll finish my story.” I wrinkle my nose. I’ve waited a long time to talk to my dad and get this shit resolved. He’s going to listen to me today. “Okay, so Jace and I lost touch for a couple of years. Other than the times I was hanging out with Zoey, I was miserable the entire time we were apart. I felt like I’d lost my soulmate. Then, Jace and I randomly ran into each other at Coachella. It was like we’d never been apart. Except, Istillwouldn’t throw caution to the wind and agree to be with him publicly. This time, I used Zoey’s heartbreak as my excuse.”
My dad’s entire face is pinched with confusion. “Why?”
“She was still broken up about Ty, I didn’t want to rub my relationship in her face. We were together. He even moved out here, but essentially, I hid our relationship and made him do the same.”
“Ah.Alex.” Dad palms his forehead. “I don’t understand what that has to do—”
I’m not interested in my dad’s commentary so I plow ahead. “Before we were a couple and we were just friends, he always talked about having kids someday. After my pregnancy scare and reaction, he told meIwas his family. Said if I didn’t want kids, he would be fine because he wanted to be with me. No matter what.” Tears are flowing now. “You know what? I let him make that sacrifice. What’s embarrassing is it was only after facing infertility that I realized I’d never given myself the chance to decide what I truly wanted. I didn’t give myself the chance to figure out how I truly felt about having kids with Jace. You know why? I didn’t want to ever be responsible for giving birth to a child who felt abandoned like I did.”
Dad winces. Squeezes his eyes shut.
Silence.
For what feels like days.
I have to fill the void.
“Ididknow that I wanted Jace.” My voice is softer now. “When we adopted Lena, I saw firsthand what an incredible dad he was. And I realized that I’m a decent mom. I love being her mother. The three of us making a family together changed something inside of me. I wanted to give the man I loved a bigger family, because I finally started to trust him to not be you. I almost lost my life trying to give him a baby,” I sob. “And now I’ll never be able to. And he’s still here. Committed. In love withme. Flawed, fucked-up infertileme. He’s truly in it for the long haul. How shitty that it took nearly dying for me to trust Jace wholeheartedly.”
“You deserve a love like that.” My dad finally squeezes me to him. “But I can’t erase the past. What can I do to be better in the future?”
“Nothing.” I exhale heavily but feel lighter than I have in decades. “Just be yourself. Idolove you. Idowant you in my life. I don’t need anything. I don’t want anything. I just want Jace, Lena, and I to have a happy life together and with our extended family.”
“I’m sorry.” He tilts my chin up with his forefinger. “I really am. If I could grant you one wish, what would it be?”
I smile through watery eyes. “Easy. I want you to be the very best grandfather to Lena. Can you do that?”
“I will try my best, Alexandria.” He hugs me.
“That’s all I can ask.”
Ithink a lot about the night I almost lost her.
Sure, there was terror. Sorrow. Confusion. Anger, even.
For me, the worst thing was utmost certainty if I lost her, I’dneverfind what we have again. This is once-in-a-lifetime shit. Sure, I love Alex. She loves me. Ourlovefor each other is a given. Everyone knows, though, that love isn’t always enough to sustain for the long term. What Alex and I have transcends love. We are two souls who have found peace in our togetherness.
I’vealwaysknown it on some level. Trusted it. Even when we were apart, something in me always knew we’d find our way back. We had to. There’s no Jace without Alex and no Alex without Jace. We’re meant to be together.
As for Alex? Hell, she’s known it too, but I’m certain it’s taken this near-death experience for her to let herselftrustit.
It’s beautiful. Despite all that she’s—we’ve—lost, for the first time in our relationship, Alex ispeacefulin our love. I wouldn’t trade where we’re at now for anything.
“I’ve come to terms with what’s happened. Jace and I are still in a bit of shock about how it all went down. It’s hard to fathom, I didn’t even know what endometriosis was not too long ago. Let alone how it would affect us.” Alex runs her fingers through my hair as she talks.
We’re at Zane’s house, waiting for Ty and Zoey to address us. Connor is staring out the window at the city. Zane is chatting with Carter and Lianne. I’m sitting next to Alex while Fiona and Ronni grill her a bit.
