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“Liz.” He nods, almost like he didn’t hear everything else I said.
“Yeah. Liz. And each time I’d visit when you still lived in Seattle, you criticized everything I did. Everything I said. It was awful. Do you know, I was psyched when you moved over here to the island? Knowing you’d be so far away gave me the best excuse to stop visiting. I rarely saw you after that. Onpurpose.”
He holds up a hand. “Wait just a second, I always came to—”
“Yeah, you showed up to some of my milestone events, but even then you couldn’t wait to get a dig in here. A dig in there. You even told me I was stupid when I decided against college.”
He tilts his head to the side. “Uh, itwasstupid. I still think that.”
“Even after I made millions? Started my own business at eighteen?” I suck in an angry breath. “It didn’t even dawn on you to encourage and compliment yourdaughterinstead? I wanted you to say you were proud of me. I moved out here partially so I could get spend more time withyou. As an adult. But you don’t have any interest. Do you realize this is only the third time you’ve been on my ranch in the three years I’ve lived here?”
He takes everything I say in. I can actually watch him process it in his head. Like a little brain computer. Whose output isn’t the greatest. “I’m not sure what to say.”
“There’s no need to say anything.” I shrug. “I’ve come to terms with the fact that you don’t value the person I am. You never have.”
He reaches for me and I duck away. Physical contact isn’t what I want—or need—at the present time. Dad frowns. “Look, I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings. In my defense, I always felt like you were judging me about leaving your mom. Picking at me too.”
“You are mydad. And, you’re spot-on accurate. Iwasjudging you. I probably still do, especially now that I’m a mother.” I challenge him by not breaking eye contact.
“What do you want me to do, Alex? I can’t relive my life.” He stands. “You can’t blame everything bad that’s happened to you on me.”
“Do you not understand that by essentially abandoning me, I truly believed that Jace could never love me enough to stay?” I stand and face him. Fists clenched at my sides. “Iadoredyou. Iworshippedthe ground you walked on. Then you were gone. I was so envious of Zoey and her relationship with her dad. I’d hear about how you spent time with Ariel and not me. So, I just buried my feelings. Acted like I didn’t care until I actually believed it. Gawd, I became a closed-up version of you until I pulled my head out of my ass.”
He shakes his head. “Okay. Okay. Fine. If it makes you feel better—”
“No! None of this makes me feel good. I don’t want to hurt you. I’ve just been through a huge trauma and I have to get this all out on the table if we are going to move forward.”
Dad sits back down, almost resigned. “Say whatever you need to, Alex. If it helps you heal or get past whatever it is that you resent me for, I want that too.”
“Do you remember that after puberty, I told anyone who would listen that I didn’t want kids?”
“Yeah, I always thought it was just a bit of drama.”
I clench my teeth. “Uh, no. It was because I was worried. I didn’t want any of my future kids to feel as bad as I did when whoever their dad was left. It became my mantra.”
“Jesus.” My dad buries his face in his palm. “You really felt that bad?”
“A girl’s relationship with her dad is important. I needed you, and you always spent time with Ariel. She was your perfect daughter. Never me.”
He starts to object, then thinks better of it and gestures at me to continue.
“I’m going to tell you our story. You might not know this, but Jace told me he loved me one summer in Europe. I was twenty-three and we had an epic never-ending adventure. I probably already loved him, but that summer I fell harder.” My eyes shut and I can’t help but smile remembering our time together.
My dad’s lips are pressed together in a thin line. Like he’s afraid to speak out. As he should be.
I purse my lips and continue. “The thing is, I was scared. LTZ was his life. How could I fit into it? Except he begged me to be official with him. Be his girlfriend. He wanted us to come clean to the band. Have me tour with him. I flatly rejected the idea outright because of how scared I was to put my career on hold when I believed we’d never make it.” I pause to look directly into my father’s eyes. Will him to give me some emotion.
He keeps a placid expression on his face and nods for me to continue.
So I do.
“Jace doubled down. He wouldn’t take no for an answer. The tour ended and I booked a couple jobs. Jace rented a villa in Italy. It was the best time, but I was freaked out. He kept trying to convince me to go with him. I kept pushing back. As a compromise, I agreed to come home and spend time in Seattle with him. To talk about our future. Meet each other’s families when we were both home…”
“You never brought him to meet me.” Dad crinkles his nose and looks to the sky.
I roll my eyes. “Uh,no. Ididn’t. By then, I’d missed my period even though I’d been on the pill for years. I was freaked out. Except somewhere inside me a glimmer of optimism took root. A possibility that he and I couldwork. We could be together. Wecouldmake a family together.” I take a deep breath. “So, he had some band thing after the day I spent with you and Liz. Do you remember? You had a lunch at your house for me and all the neighbors.”
“Of course. It was a great barbeque. Everyone thought you were wonderful.” He folds his arms and juts out his chin.
