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She swipes at her tears, her chest hiccupping as she tries to stop crying. “I’m in.”
Natalia whoops from the kitchen. “I’m ordering a dessert pizza, too. And breadsticks. And cinnamon rolls!”
For the first time since I got home, Yuliana smiles.
20
RAYNE
“Death by carbs.” I pat my stomach and flop back on the couch. “That third breadstick was such a mistake.”
“Only because you ate half of the cinnamon rolls by yourself between breadsticks two and three. That was your real mistake.”
I glare at Natalia. “I didn’t realize you were the portion police.”
“No food shaming here. I just don’t think we should wrongly blame the breadsticks. The culprit for me is the dessert pizza. Cinnamon apples and cream cheese drizzle on a pizza? It should be illegal for a food to be that good.”
As disgusting as I may feel now, the pizza party with my girls was exactly what I needed after this truly shitty day. Yuliana ate pizza and giggled at all her favorite parts of the movie. The return to normalcy loosened the day’s grip on my chest.
“Are you going to sleep out here on the couch?” Natalia asks.
“I think I’ll have to. Yuliana is sprawled across my bed, snoring like a wildebeest.”
We watched the movie in my room, and in the last fifteen minutes, she conked out with a piece of pizza still in her hand. I didn’t want to wake her. She needs the rest.
“You’re a good mom. I would have kicked her back into her own room. I need my beauty sleep.”
“A child that puts themselves to sleep is the gift horse you don’t look in the mouth. I’d rather sleep on the couch than have to fight her into pajamas and convince her to sleep in her own room tonight. I’m too exhausted for all that.”
“Do you think waking up in your room will scare her?”
Natalia knows Yuliana as well as I do. She knows how new environments and new people can upset her. The only reason I made it through some of Yuliana’s early tantrums without losing my shit is because Natalia was there to support me through it. If I’m a good mom, at least half of that is because of her help.
“She’s used to sleeping in my room. Honestly, sleeping in her room with the blanket fort still up might have been more confusing for her.”
“Plus, I think it’s a fire hazard,” she adds. “Sorry about that.”
I wave her apology away. “Thank you for being there for her when I… while I was busy.”
I expect Natalia to assure me it wasn’t a problem. To shake her head and tell me it was her pleasure. That’s what she usually does. Instead, she sits up and folds her hands in her lap.
My heart jumps.
“Rayne,” she says gently. “I don’t want to overstep…”
“Impossible. You’re family, Nat.”
She smiles. “I know you say that. But it’s different with kids. Yuliana is yours and you are hers. I love you both so much, but I have my place, ya know? Cool aunt. Fun best friend sidekick. The big decisions… You make those on your own. You always have.”
I swallow, Kirill’s face suddenly flashing in my mind. At this point, I can’t imagine what it would be like to have someone else equally as invested in Yuliana as I am. In some ways, it’s easier to do it alone. I make the decisions and there is no pushback.
Of course, if I make the wrong choice, I still carry the guilt of two parents.
“You are such a good mom,” she says. “The best I’ve ever seen, in fact. You’re gentle and patient with Yuli. You work so hard, but you never let her see how exhausted you are. How draining parenting can be. It’s admirable.”
“But…?” I hedge, wincing as I brace for impact.
“No but,” she demurs. “There is no qualifier to that sentence. You’re an amazing mom. Which is why I want to suggest in the gentlest way possible that maybe it’s time to get Yuliana seen by someone.”
