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“By… someone?”
Her hands tighten in her lap, her knuckles going white. “Yeah. A doctor, or a therapist. I’m not sure who, exactly. Someone who specializes in children with unique obstacles to overcome.”
“You think something is wrong with her?”
“I think she’s perfect,” Nat says as earnestly as possible. “Yuliana is wonderful. And sometimes wonderful, bright, beautiful children need a little extra help. You’ve helped her overcome so much, but you can’t always be there with her to do breathing tricks or utilize special techniques.”
Kirill’s furious voice snarls in my memory, five years old but still as fresh as if it happened a moment ago.Do you think you can tap-tap-tap away decades of trauma, Rayne? Do you think you can tap-tap-tap away a brain injury? He’s seen every single one of the best neurosurgeons in the world and you’re a fucking waitress, but hey, maybe you know something they don’t.
Maybe he was right.
“What will someone else do that I haven’t?” It comes out sounding defensive, but it’s a genuine question. It feels like there are no options left.
“Like I said, you’ve done so much. As much as you possibly can. Someone else could come in with some real expertise,” she says. “When Yuliana is in a new environment or meeting a new person, she will need to learn how to navigate that kind of thing on her own. It could be with medication or therapy. Or both. I just think it’s worth looking into.”
I know Natalia is right. I’ve thought about it plenty of times myself over the last couple years. But I could never pull the trigger, because…
“It feels kind of like a betrayal,” I say softly. “Like, if I admit that she needs to go to a specialist then it means I think something is wrong with her.”
Natalia’s brows pinch together in sympathy. “Rayne, it doesn’t mean that at all.”
“It kind of does. I mean, moms are supposed to look at their kids and see perfection, aren’t they? I shouldn’t be analyzing her and trying to decide where she doesn’t measure up. Part of me thinks if I take her to a doctor, it’ll mean I don’t love her enough.”
“Rayne, that is—” Natalia slides across the couch and grabs my hand, squeezing tightly. “If anyone thinks you don’t love Yuliana with your whole heart, they’re crazy. Seeking outside help if she needs it is just another expression of that. It’s another way to show her your love. It doesn’t mean anything is wrong with—”
A sudden piercing scream cuts through the house.
I’m on my feet and running to my bedroom before I can even process what I just heard. My instincts are faster than my brain.
“Yuli?” I push through my door and find my daughter sitting up in the middle of the bed. Her eyes are wide and her forehead is pasted with sweat. She’s still screaming. I drop onto the bed and smooth a hand across her face. “What is it, honey?”
Her green eyes stare blankly ahead, tears rolling down her round cheeks as she cries. “Mama!”
“I’m here, baby. I’m with you. I’m right here.”
Yuliana doesn’t show any signs that she can hear me.
“What the hell is going on?” Natalia hisses.
I wave a hand in front of Yuliana’s face, but she doesn’t respond. “I think it’s a night terror.”
“Like, a nightmare?”
“Sort of. She’s still sleeping.”
“Should I call someone?” she asks. “I can—I don’t know. Can I get something?”
“She can’t be consoled right now. We just have to wait for her to go back to sleep.”
Natalia clamps her hands over her ears when Yuliana cries out again. “Who told you that?”
“I took her to a doctor a little over a year ago. She was having night terrors and they thought it was caused by anxiety. They recommended a medication, but I—” I pull Yuliana against my chest, stroking her hair as her shouts soften to cries. “I didn’t want to go that route. I thought I could handle it.”
Natalia moves to the edge of the bed and grabs my hand. “There is more than one way to handle something like this, Rayne. Changing course can be a way to handle it.”
I nod, the decision nestling into my mind. “I’ll make some calls tomorrow. There’s nothing wrong with getting some opinions.”
All at once, Yuliana goes slack against my chest. The room is heavy with the sudden silence.
