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“You need to know that you’re enough too.” She lifts her face, her eyes searching mine. “It doesn’t matter if you’re famous or not, your life is worth living for too. Just like mine.”
The twisted knot in my chest pulls taut, the threads tightening and coiling as I swallow the lump formed in my throat.
“Ellie,” I whisper.
Instead of answering, she nuzzles her cheek into my chest, pulling herself closer as my arms curl her towards me, my hold on her tightening.
“Thank you for telling me,” I say gently into her hair. She sighs into my chest, nodding as my face buries deeper into her silky hair. I feel so touched, so honored that she would share such a raw piece of her with me. And I can’t believe how brave she is to say all those things in an effort to comfort me. All so that I can know that I matter.
We stay wrapped in each other’s arms, our bodies swaying as the bow and stern teeter-totters with the waves. The occasional breeze blows past us as a flock of seagulls hovers. We settle into a comfort that we somehow create, nestling within the cocoon of our pain where the solace of letting our guard down brings with it nothing but calm.
And as deeply gratified as I am that I’ve discovered this level of contentment, my cynical subconscious keeps reminding me that I should know better than to get so comfortable. To stop being so careless and to navigate through what’s growing between us with caution.
* * *
When we return from our voyage, the sky is transitioning from a lingering orange glow to the dark blues and purples that will eventually fade into what will be a clear night. Twinkles of light peek through the sky that can only be seen over the ocean, where the air isn’t tainted by the buzz of electricity and smog from the city. The air is cool and fragrant with a mixture of saltwater and oranges.
I help Ellie down the steps that lead us off the boat, her arms extended out to her sides so she doesn’t lose her balance. When she steps off the last step, she trips and tumbles toward me. Luckily, my hand is close to hers, and I’m able to wrap my arm around her waist in time before she hits the ground. Both of us are barely a foot off the pavement, her hair billowing behind her, brushing the concrete.
“Are you okay?” I ask breathlessly.
She looks into my eyes and nods. I’ve never had her in my arms like this, holding her up with a splinter of space between us so that I could study her features up close, trailing my eyes down to her soft lips, remembering what it felt like to kiss her. Never looked so deeply, so intimately into her eyes. Her pupils are large, and her chest heaves up and down while I press her into me, as if she could still fall while I’m holding her this tight.
Her hand clings to my arm just so that she has something to hold on to. But I, too, need to hold on to her because if I don’t, I feel like we would both float away. My eyes flit to her lips again as slow, uneven breaths escape her.
“Would it be completely cliché if I kissed you right now?” I whisper.
She laughs and shakes her head, the subtle movement making our noses brush. I angle my head to the side and lean in to kiss her, closed mouthed and soft. Her breath hitches, and I feel her hand grip my arm harder, clutching me as if she’s telling me not to let her go. I can’t let her go, not now.
I stand her upright. The sudden movement causes her to squeak, and her eyes widen. Still holding her close, I feel her pull away, and she looks up at me as a teasing smile starts to form on both of our lips.
She shakes her head at me. “Completely cliché,” she finally says.
I laugh. This cliché moment feels everything but. If I was meant to dip Ellie into a long, passionate kiss with the late sunset as our backdrop, then so be it. It all seems to flow naturally.
Even though the nagging voice in the back of my head tells me that I can still stop here, walk away, and never look back, I don’t want to. Whenever that voice pops in, reminding me that I’m not meant to be thishappy,thissated, I want to tell it to fuck off and mind its own business. But I know at some point it’ll come back around and tell me,I told you so.
Right now, with Ellie in my arms, her sweet smile looking up at me, and her tousled hair blowing in all directions, I want to actually believe that I don’t have to listen to those nagging words telling me that I should know better. Right now, I just want time to stand still.
My clashing thoughts are interrupted by a high-pitched growl that comes from the nonexistent space where our torsos are touching. Ellie’s eyes turn into saucers, and she covers her mouth with her hand.
“Was that you?” I ask her, stifling a laugh.
“Mm-hmm,” she answers through her hand. She squeezes her eyes shut as her hands move to her eyes.
“I guess we should get you some food,” I say, still laughing.
I finally let her go but still hold on to her hand. I interlace my fingers and pull her close when she attempts to keep a distance from me, bringing her hand to my lips and kissing the back of it. It’s my favorite part of her to kiss. The way I take the lead but am still able to feel her bringing herself to me makes the act feel so personal and innate, like we’ve done it a million times.
We walk towards my car parked deep into the parking lot that’s now mostly empty. When I get close, I notice shuffling in the trees and bushes that line the parking lot, behind the metal fence that closes off the lot from the main street. It’s probably that I’ve conditioned myself to be paranoid, always being followed and never having a full moment of privacy that I get to call my own, but right then, I feel that we’re being watched.
“Is everything okay?” Ellie asks.
I continue to stare, hoping that it’s just my imagination. I don’t see anything else, just dark shadows that are growing darker with the sun fully setting behind us.
“Yeah,” I answer. “Sorry. I thought I saw something.”
She continues to stare at me, waiting for me to move. I walk a little quicker, my pace picking up, then walk her to the passenger side and wait for her to get in. Once she’s settled in, I don’t close the door just yet. Instead, I duck my head down and kiss her. Just a light brush of my lips against hers. Her small, delicate fingers find my cheek, and her thumb strokes my chin. I pull away and smile at her.
