AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“Ellie…” Claire reaches for my hand and looks at me with a pained expression of sympathy. I hadn’t realized that, while in the middle of my grieving, some of it had been transferred onto her.
A wave of guilt passes over me, and I look at her apologetically. “Claire, I’m sorry. You really don’t have to worry about me. I’ll be fine.”
“I know. I just want to be there for you. That’s all,” she replies with a sincere smile.
I retreat my hand and reach for my keys sitting at the edge of the table next to my phone. I’ve intruded enough on Claire and Wes’s time, and I know they want to be alone.
“Hey, I’m going to get out of here. I have some studying to do, and I really can’t put it off till the weekend.” I smile at both of them as I quickly say my goodbyes.
“El, I’ll come with you,” Claire starts to say as she gathers her belongings.
“No, stay. You two enjoy your night. I’ll call you later.”
I leave the restaurant before Claire can catch up to me, hurriedly walking to my car to drive home. When I turn on the radio, Beyonce’s “Irreplaceable” starts to play on the radio before I flick the stereo off altogether, the music reminding me too much of Rhylan. After I pull into my driveway, I slowly gather my things before trudging through the front door.
“Hi, honey,” my mom calls from the couch.
“Hey, Mom,” I answer, surprised to see her home. “I thought you weren’t going to be home till later.”
“Yeah, but Mark had to work later than he thought. We just grabbed a quick bite before I left.”
I nod and watch her. Her gaze reverts back towards the television while patting Angus’s head lying heavily on her lap.
A bubble of frustration starts to build inside me. So many things in my life have turned upside down in the past couple of weeks, and I feel so out of control. For a sliver of a moment, when I was with Rhylan, I felt hopeful. A sense of optimism that felt so new to me presented itself, and it all dissolved so quickly. I crave that sense of control again, that sense of established resolution where I feel a part of my future is more concrete than unsure.
I change direction on the path to my room and firmly sit on the sofa facing my mom.
“Mom?” I call.
She turns to face me.
“Why don’t we ever talk about Dad?”
Her eyes turn wide and her mouth slacks open. “What do you mean?”
“You know what I mean.”
She sighs, her hands smoothing over her thighs. “Eleanor…”
“I’m tired of all this,” I say, the frustration hiding behind my controlled voice as I attempt to remain level and calm. “Of hurting and pretending things didn’t happen.”
“What are we pretending didn’t happen?” she asks.
“Everything!” I practically shout. “Rhylan, what happened at dinner with Mark, the fact that I tried to kill myself,Dad.”
“Ellie, I just don’t know what to say…”
“I don’t either, Mom,” I say, my voice softening. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to talk about it.”
“I miss him,” she says softly, her voice breaking. “And I’m so scared that if we start talking about him, it’ll hurt even more. I’m scared that it’ll hurt you. And I don’t want to lose you again…”
I sigh, knowing that while I shouldn’t bear the responsibility of everything, the pain that my mom feels is one that we both are living through. “But I want to talk about him,” I plead. “I want him back in our lives. Even though I know he physically can’t be, I want him in our home. I want everyone in our lives to know that we loved him and he loved us.”
“He did love us, didn’t he?” she asks, a weak smile poking through her face.
A watered-down laugh slips through my lips. “Remember the day he brought home Angus? And you got so mad because you already told him we couldn’t have a dog for months?”
She laughs. “And I told him he had to sleep on the couch because Angus wouldn’t stop crying at night?”
