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“Listen very closely to me, little Hana. I am not weak. I don’t know what you thought coming in here and seeing me on my knees, but I’ll tell you one thing for sure. You will never disrespect me again, understand?” I kept my tone calm and even. Like I was talking to a spooked horse.
She shook her head yes, rubbing her throat with one hand. I released her and she stumbled back, teetering in her heels. If she fell, she fell. I wasn’t going to stop it. She had no right coming in here acting like she was in charge. Someone had to show her that wasn’t her place.
“Why are you like this?” Hana cried. “You sound just like him.”
“I’m just me. I can’t be anything other than what I am.” I shrugged. She needed to learn and now was probably the best time for that.
“You’re a monster,” she gasped out.
“You’d do best to remember that the next time you challenge me.” I reminded her without remorse.
Hana spun away and grabbed her purse before fleeing my office. What the fuck was wrong with these two today? They wanted to push my buttons. I hadn’t even come to terms with Joseph dominating me. It should make me feel like less of a man. God knows if my mother found out she would tear me down in front of the whole world.
I remembered growing up my mother was adamant about gender roles. I once tried on her yellow sundress because it seemed like something that made her smile. I wanted to smile just like her.
I pushed open my parent’s bedroom hoping it was empty. I blew out a breath when I saw that it was. Eight-year-old me wanted to explore. I’d been sick and left at home to my own devices.
So, Luke got to go to school, and I had to stay home. He was working on stealing the friends I had in our class. But I knew that if they were really my friends, they wouldn’t listen to him in the first place.
I pulled the drawers open hoping to find something to play with. I’d been so bored. I just wanted to keep myself occupied since Mom had taken the television. Before she went off to wherever she went during the day, she unplugged the television and took the remote. She reminded me that she knew the exact channel it was on and if she came home to it being changed, I’d catch an ass whooping.
I didn’t want to try her patience today, so I explored instead. Mom and Dad’s closet was slightly open. I decided I could play in their closet like it was a fortress and there were monsters outside the doors of the keep trying to get in.
I opened the closet door and there right in front of my head was my mother’s yellow sundress. It had white flowers printed on it and smelled of her Chanel no. 5 perfume.
Nostalgia hit and I pulled it down off the hanger, stretching the collar a little bit. Oops. I hope she didn’t see that and blame me. Mom liked things a certain way.
I only wore shorts, so I slipped them off and slid her dress over my body. I put on a pair of her heels and stumbled out of the closet. I thought I was walking the runway but looking back it was more of a baby deer trying to find it’s legs after birth.
“Logan, you aren’t allowed to play with that. It belongs to your brother.” I said in the mirror in a high-pitched voice.
Mom didn’t allow me and my brother to share toys. When he got something, it was always new in the box. But when I received a toy, it was either handed down from Luke or in a plastic bag.
I’d gone to friend’s houses for birthdays and seen gift bags with action heroes on the front or wrapping paper with comic book heroes. Why didn’t Mom ever get me something like that?
I looked in the mirror again. Not seeing Mom but seeing myself pretending to be her. “Logan, stop talking out loud. You're too loud.”
I kept on pulling at the seams of the dress.
“Logan, don’t talk to your brother that way.”
“Logan, people are watching, you’re embarrassing me.”
“Logan, I can’t hold your hand, quit crying.”
“Logan, I need to go to Luke now, I’ve had enough of you wasting my time.”
“LOGAN!” My mother’s voice came from behind me, scaring my heart right out of my chest.
I whirled around, kicking her heels off trying to hide them.
“What are you wearing?” My mother’s short hair was slicked to her skull. She looked like a boy now after her hair cut. I kept asking why she would cut her hair like a boy’s but all she did was shush me.
“I-I…” I looked away, not liking the way her face scrunched up.
“Are you gay?” Mom asked in shock.
I tilted my head to the side, knowing if I asked what gay was, I’d receive a slap in the face for my stupidity. So, I did the next best thing. I told what felt like a lie.
