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Do it!
DO IT!
How could I fight something like that? There was no hope. There was no light. At the end of the day, I didn’t want to be me anymore. I wanted to be nothingness. To feel nothingness. I prayed for oblivion and God’s loving ways. If I went to hell, then that’s where I went. Anywhere but here.
“Jojo?”
A tentative knock on the door told me that Logan had grabbed Hana from her bedroom. Her voice sounded groggy, but I was done with their games. I wasn’t a toy that they could choose to play with whenever they wanted. They didn’t love me. They didn’twantme. I wasn’t privy to their couple conversations. They didn’t need me. No one did.
She doesn’t love you. She’s just using you.My mother’s voice came just as I opened my mouth to say something to Hana. I clamped my lips shut.
“Jojo? I know you can hear me. Whatever you are thinking about, I’ll listen to you, I promise.”
“Baby girl,” I groaned, giving into the sincerity in her voice.
I placed the knife down on the sink and unlocked the door. Only Hana came in. Maybe Logan understood that I couldn’t look at his face right now.
Hana’s choked sob when she saw the knife made me realize something was wrong.
“Why?” she cried, hugging herself. “Is this because of what I said?” Hana crept closer to me.
Like a wounded animal, I lashed out. “Not everything is about you, Hana.” It was ridiculous thinking she was the sole cause of all of this. She wasn’t. I was. I was what was wrong with the world. It was me. All me.
“That isn’t what I meant, Joseph. And I think you know that.”
“I know what you meant. I just…” I sighed, not wanting to get into it.
“I wasn’t rejecting you, Jojo.” Her words were like a soothing balm on a wound that needed stitches.
“Well, it sure seems like you meant it. Don’t tell me you weren’t rejecting me when the very feeling I have is rejection,” I roared.
Hana jumped back. “I wasn’t trying to tell you how you feel. I was just trying to tell you that wasn’t what I meant.”
I brushed off her words. “Was that all?” I asked, coldly.
“No! God no! Jojo, what are you doing right now? Do you think I want to live in a world without you?”
“What does it matter? You have Logan and this toxic marriage he forced you into.” She didn’t need me. She never needed me. Not like I needed her.
“I love you too. I just felt like this was wrong because it seemed we were all so unhappy. No one trusted the other, we felt slighted by one another, and so on.”
“If it’s love then how is it wrong?” I begged. How could she not see? If she loved us, this wouldn’t be a problem. She didn’t love us. She only had room for one and that wasn’t me.
“What the fuck do you want me to do, Joseph Pierce?” Hana snapped.
I moved so quickly that I took her by surprise. Before she knew what was going on, I had her pinned against the bathroom wall.
“Baby girl., I want you to submit. I want you to not only love me but to give me the same trust you’ve given me almost your whole life. I want your body,” I growled in her ear, “but most importantly, I want to be your soul.”
My mother’s haunting voice was drowned out by Hana’s heavy breathing. Her scent rose between us, reminding me that she was my baby girl. If I left her all alone, who would protect her? Not Logan. He had his own agenda.
“If I agree,” she murmured, “if I promise to submit and not let my confusion cloud my judgement, then what?”
Her mouth was inches away from mine. All I had to do was lean a little forward and I could claim her. My mind short-circuited, thinking about her lips. I couldn’t hear any more voices in my mind, not even those of reason.
“What do you mean by that?” I crept a little closer to her plump lips.
“You have to make promises, too,” she breathed out, mint lingering on her tongue.
