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“Alicia.” I nodded to my mother.
Her mouth fell open in shock.
I’m sure she was wondering why she didn’t get the same treatment as my father. But of the two of them, my mom hurt me more. At least my father looked grateful to see me. She wasn’t my mother anyway. Hadn’t been in fifteen years. Mrs. Lee gave me more time and attention than she had.
“Nigel, do you see the way he speaks to me?” she cried.
“He’s a grown man now. He can speak the way he wants.”
His eyes showed exhaustion which made me feel guilty for instigating a fight with my mother.
Before I could say sorry my father was dismissing her. “Can you go to the cafeteria and see if they have the Jello I love?”
“I need to be here for you if the doctor comes,” my mother placed her bible in her lap.
“I can speak with the doctor. I want to spend some time with my son.”
My mother scoffed and stood to leave. “Did you want to come with me, dear?” She aimed that question at Hana.
I didn’t want Hana to go through that inquisition. So, when she looked to me for answers, I shook my head no. I’d rather she stayed where I could see her. Where neither of my parents could hurt her.
“Oh, no that’s alright. I’m going to use the bathroom to freshen up,” Hana politely deflected. “We’ve been traveling for a while.” She then left to use the bathroom connected with my father’s hospital room.
My mother departed the room with a huff, letting the door swing wide so everyone could get a free show. Once she was gone, I closed the door before I sat next to my father’s bedside.
Silence reigned between us. I was at a loss on what to say. If I’d been asked over the years, I would’ve had so much to accuse my parents of, but now that I was faced with them, I couldn’t speak. The words had been imprinted on my soul from a young age, but I couldn’t seem to find them…
Until I…just did.
“How could you?” I hadn’t expected the question to sound so accusing, but I stood behind those feelings.
My father looked contrite. “You’re not married. When the choice is between your marriage and your child, the lines blur.”
That was not what I expected him to say. I thought he would give me his spiel on Godliness and sins of the flesh. I thought he would tell me what I’m doing was wrong. That I would go to hell for my choices.
Instead, I’m confronted with a man who looks and feels remorseful. A father who hadn’t wanted to lose his son. I wasn’t certain this new information was good for my mental health at the moment.
“That’s what you’re going with? That you had to choose between me and mom, and you chose her? You didn’t choose right.” I wasn’t going to sit here and feel shame. They abandoned me. They chose to leave me out in the cold. They were in the wrong.
“Don’t you think I know that?” my father yelled, his face turning red, before he went off coughing and wheezing.
“Do you? Because I’m finally in a relationship with two people. People that I love with all my heart and soul. What does your God have to say about that?”
“Joseph, I stopped going to church the moment we made you leave. I couldn’t wrap my head around all our teachings and kicking my son out. The first Sunday we showed our faces at church, people were congratulating us on keeping our faith. It disgusted me. I didn’t feel like I’d done anything to be praised for. It felt wrong, and for that I’m sorry.”
I let him speak without interruption seeing as it was hard for him to breathe. “Did you think sorry would make up for it?” I really wanted to know. “You didn’t reach out. You moved away.”
“No. I just didn’t want to face God on judgement day knowing I’d turned my back on my only child. I wanted to face him with a heart full of no regrets. That’s why I had your mother call you.”
The bathroom door clicked open, but when I didn’t see Hana, I figured she was trying to give us time to ourselves.
“You do know that calling me on your deathbed was not the way to get me to forgive you. It’s underhanded at best.”
He slowly nodded his head yes. “It was probably a little underhanded, but I couldn’t know how you felt. I figured you hated us, and that your upbringing was the only reason you stepped foot in this hospital room.” He wouldn’t be wrong with that assumption.
“I have forgiven you, more so than mom. It doesn’t mean I’ll forget, but you can go in peace knowing that I don’t hate you.”
“It’s not just that son. I need to know that you are happy in this world. Even if I had nothing to do with it.”
