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“I wasn’t,” he says it bluntly as though I wouldn’t understand. “I was the guy you’d hate.”
“I doubt it.”
He brushes my cheek with the back of his hand. “If you attended the same college as me, then we wouldn’t be together. I’d probably be doing my damnedest to hit on you because back then, all I did was fuck girls.”
My breath hitches at his harsh tone. Only I don’t react because he’s waiting for me to do just that. Show the shock on my face. “I was familiar with fucking,” I whisper. It’s a white lie as I’ve only been with a couple of guys.
He chuckles lightly as though he knows it’s not true. “You weren’t familiar with my type. If you were, then you’d have run far away from the likes of me.”
“But many didn’t…”
“No. Many didn’t,” he says in a strangled voice.
His eyes become distant as though he’s recalling a memory.
“Did you have any feelings for some of them? Want it to be more?”
He squints with a hint of humor in his eyes. “Feelings? Only the sexual kind where I’d fuck them again. I recall Michael and I having a limit. Ten times with a certain girl, and then no matter how good she was in bed, ten was a hard limit. Then, with no explanation, I’d stop talking to her.”
“That’s rough.” I tilt up and search his face for a sign of remorse. Only he’s a closed book, wearing the mask he wore when I first met him in Brazil all those months ago.
“I was more than rough,” he says in almost a growl. “And I neversleptwith any of them. Trust me when I tell you, you don’t want to know the younger version of me.”
He pushes up, throws his leg over the edge of the hammock, and I reach to stop him. My hand tightens around his wrist. “Please don’t go. I want to know about the young Samuel McMahon. He’s still part of you even though you have… transformed.” I couldn’t think of a better word.
“I’ve worked tirelessly not to be that person.” His elbows rest on his knees, and I’m forced to release him. Samuel brings his hands to his face and rubs like he’s expelling a memory.
“I’m sure they forgave you.”
He groans into his hands.
“It’s only sex, Samuel.”
“I made a promise to one girl, and I never had sex with her.” He pushes off the hammock and strides away. “It was a point in time I was lower than life. I had the blood of a demon in my veins.”
“Wait.” I scramble out and go to him.
Samuel hunches over the bench with his back to me.
“You’re not a bad person, so what is it that has you putting space between us?”
His head hangs low between his arms, outstretched on the bench. “I’m disgusted with myself when I think back to what I did. And I don’t want to talk about it. Can’t without feeling nauseous.” His voice is cut with a rasp.
I rub my hand in circles over his back. It’s progress, and I know there’s something stopping him from wanting to leave Ulara. For my sake and our baby’s sake, I have to dig deeper. “Did you sort it out at all?”
“Not before she took her own life,” he murmurs.
My hand stalls on his back before I consciously continue in a slower action. “You can’t blame yourself.”
“No. My friends and I were to blame. Now, can we please stop talking about this? As I said, I’m no longer the same person.” He glances over his shoulder but won’t turn to look at me.
“It’s healthy to talk,” I say gently.
“You mean repent. And I have done it over and over when drinking ayahuasca. I don’t need to do it again.” He straightens and pushes off the bench before striding past me toward the door.
“Where are you going?”
He freezes with his back to me. “In the garden to fucking cry. And no, I don’t want you to come with me. It’s something I need to do alone.”
