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In the end, we went to bed crying and made love. It’s the first time in months that he has touched me.
I promised him I’d try harder.
I turn the page.
24thNovember 1961
I’m trying.
Every day I try to be who they want me to be.
I love them. Deep in my heart, I know I do, yet I’m fighting a dark, empty space inside of me that keeps clawing at my confidence, telling me I am worthless.
Maybe Albert should’ve married someone who could be a better wife to him than I could ever be. Not a woman who’s more interested in caring for visitors if they are stung by jellyfish or have a fishing hook in their finger.
I’m not going to drown in the black ocean threatening to swallow me whole. All I can do is keep swimming and hold my face above the water.
There it is. Her postnatal depression just like Faith had told me.
20thDecember 1961
Tonight, Albert took Winston and me on a picnic by the water.
Thankfully, we didn’t have far to walk.
I stayed with Winston while he walked up the stairs to our apartment and carried down the picnic basket and wine glasses. We snuck in some wine while the sun set over the ocean. Albert asked me to make a wish, and then he asked what I’d like for Christmas.
I couldn’t honestly tell him what my heart craved. Instead, I told him I didn’t want anything because I was thankful to have a loving husband, a healthy baby boy, and a beautiful home that also was our livelihood as a business.
It’s how I should think and be grateful for my blessings.
Not cry myself to sleep like I do every other night.
25thDecember 1961
My hand is shaking while I’m writing this entry.
I can’t believe it.
Albert gave me my gift after I put Winston in his crib.
It was a note.
One that told me he knew I needed to go away and finish the part of my nursing that still lived inside of me. Until I ‘got it out of my system,’ I’d never be entirely happy.
He wants me to reply to the letter from Dr. Anderson and tell him I can volunteer for twelve months, then return to him hopefully more settled and ready to be a good wife and mother.
I said no.
I couldn’t possibly leave him and Winston for twelve months.
Albert insisted as he couldn’t handle hearing me cry at night anymore.
My heart sunk. When I let go at night, I thought he was asleep.
He reassured me he and Winston would be fine, and his parents would help while I’m away.
No wonder his Mum has barely spoken to me. Albert must have told her his plan, and she must think of me as an awful mother. Can’t blame her.
