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And what about you? I want to say, but I can’t bring myself to do it.
“I’m plenty awake. I don’t need you to tell me what’ll make me happy, okay?” I take a deep breath and close my eyes. “Do you remember what I said to you that morning?” I ask and look over at him, almost whispering as my body trembles.
“The morning before you testified.”
“That awful morning. Do you remember?”
He pulls the Rover over on the side of the road. It happens abruptly and I only stare at him, not sure what he’s doing. I don’t care if he wants to hurt me—what’s there left to hurt? We’re in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by trees, with no cars anywhere nearby. I’m so close to home but still miles away and trapped in this car with Nolan, with the man I thought I loved but now I know I hate, and maybe I hated all along.
He looks at me and the pain simmers under his expression. “You said, You deserve this, Nolan Vandello. The boy I knew is gone, and this new you deserves it. I think about that a lot.”
“Good.” I glare at him, not backing down. I’m too damn mad to cut him some slack, even if it kills me later on. “You had so much promise and look at you now.”
“Look at me now,” he echoes softly. “You said that too, didn’t you? But you were wrong back then and you’re still wrong.”
“Wrong about what?”
“I had no promise.” His eyes are vacant now, almost empty, and it scares me enough to make me sink back against the seat. “I was dead when I met you. Living out in those woods to escape the beatings back home. Running away only to head back and suffer some more later on. You ever think about that? We spent a lot of time in those woods, but not all our time. It was never enough, not for me anyway. I had to go back home sooner or later and the pain was always waiting for me there.”
“But you survived it.”
“I survived by joining Ben’s crew and getting the hell out of that shithole. I had no purpose, no direction, no chance, no future. It was either what I am now or end up dead from an overdose like so many other stupid poor white trash boys like me. You survived it by clinging on to your sister and keeping each other afloat. I survived it by finding a purpose. We all did what we had to do.”
“The difference is I didn’t become a gangster.”
“And I did. Look at me now.” He moves closer, his voice lower and more insistent. “Look at me, Cora. Look at me. Really fucking look at me.”
I glance over, chewing my cheek. His handsome lips are parted and his sharp, dark eyes are gazing at me with an intensity that makes my core clench. I shift in the seat, fingers searching for the door handle, thinking I might be able to get out and run, but where would I go and what would it accomplish? I’m in this now, in this nice and deep, twisted up too much to get away. I can see it through or I can bail and let Ben Basuldo put a bullet in my head.
“I’m looking, but I don’t know who I’m seeing. Are you Nolan, the boy I grew up with, or are you Nolan the gangster?”
“I’m both and more, just like you’re more than the girl I grew up with. Why’s it got to be one or the other with you?”
“Because my mother’s dead and I blame you.”
There it is, the truth that’s always between us. He doesn’t move, doesn’t react, even though I expected him to flinch. I stare into his eyes and wonder how he can keep going carrying all this pain and hurt. I realize maybe he’s like me, maybe he’s moving forward one step at a time because he doesn’t know how to do anything else.
“I can’t fix that, but I can try to do right by you now.” He moves closer and as I try to pull away, he yanks me back, his fist sliding into my hair. I glare into his eyes, hating him and wanting him to tighten his grip, the two parts of me warring for dominance. I can already taste him, even though he hasn’t kissed me yet, and my body’s trembling with a need I don’t know if I can contain any longer.
“Then actually do right and stop talking about it.” I stare into his eyes, willing him to take this further, to make me forget for even ten seconds the hell that my life has become. “Do it, Nolan,” I whisper.
And he slams his mouth against mine, kissing me like thunder.
