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“Cora,” she says, sounding exhausted and sad, but I shove open the porch door and walk away.
I’m not going back. I can’t go back to Nolan. That’d be crazy, like throwing myself back into the fire for no reason. I miss him, and want him, and maybe even love him, but enough to go back?
I walk into the trees, toward the lake, and try to make sense of my aching body and soul.
Chapter 21
Cora
For a couple days, life on the lake is slow and easy.
There’s a rhythm to living out in the woods. No cars, no people, nothing but the sound of the wind through the trees and the water lapping up against the dock. Jaxson took me and Kady out on his uncle’s boat the second morning and we spent a while riding around the lake, looking at the other cabins and their docks, and staring at the vast forests that stretch deep into the Louisiana heartland. It’s beautiful, and it’s terrifying, and it’s a world that feels like it’s still untouched by people, even if it’s shaped and marked by them. I try to focus on the peace being outdoors brings me, but it’s hard when I know how much danger we’re still in.
And Kady grows more distant by the hour. At first, I thought she was letting herself get sucked back into Jaxson’s world, but that couldn’t be it. She made it clear she’d never be with him, not in a romantic way, and while he didn’t exactly take it well. he at least didn’t kick us out. They did manage to agree that he could see the child on weekends for a few hours at first until he proves that he can be a decent father and won’t run off the first chance he gets.
I’m not sure what’s bothering her and I don’t know how to find out. When I ask, she blows me off and pretends like it’s nothing. She spends all her time sitting down on the dock staring at the water, and I tiptoe around her when we’re inside, afraid that I’ll do something to set her off.
Time drags past and I manage to get through each day without thinking about Nolan too much, even though he’s always there, nagging at me like a festering wound. I want to purge myself of him but I don’t know how or if it’s even possible, or if I’m stuck thinking about what might’ve been until the day I die.
But at least Kady’s safe, and for two days, we can pretend like we’re happy.
On the morning of the third day, I head down to the dock and find her sitting at the end with her jeans rolls up to her calves and her feet dipped down into the water. The boat’s rocking slowly from side to side in the breeze and Kady keeps pulling her hair back and brushing it down over her shoulder, restlessly staring out at the trees on the far side of the lake.
“Hey,” I say approaching slowly. “You okay?”
She doesn’t look back and only shrugs. She’s been so weird lately and I’m starting to lose my patience, but I have to remind myself that we’re staying out in the middle of nowhere on the run from violent gangsters and hiding with her abusive ex-boyfriend, and all the while she’s pregnant. It must feel like her world’s crumbling down around her, and I don’t know how to make it better.
I walk over and slowly lower myself down. I lean back against a pylon and cross my legs at the ankles, staring at her as she chews her lip. Something’s bothering her, but I can’t figure out what it is, and I’m tired of trying to guess.
“Kady,” I say and she looks over. “What’s going on with you?”
“It’s nothing.” She stares down at the water. “It’s just so quiet out here, I have a lot of time to think, you know?”
“Is it the baby?”
She puts her hand on her belly and smiles. “Weirdly, no, the baby doesn’t really stress me out. I mean, being pregnant and everything that comes along with giving birth scares me, but I’m not worried about the baby. I’m kind of excited.”
“That’s good, right? It’s totally normal that you’re worried about giving birth, but being excited for the baby is a good thing.”
“Yeah, definitely a good thing.” She smiles distantly. “Jaxson’s an idiot but I think he’ll be an okay dad. He’s not getting custody, not while I’m still alive, but I’ll let him have visitation. And who knows, maybe he’ll change.”
“Maybe,” I echo, smiling slightly because I really doubt that’ll ever happen. “If it’s not the baby, what’s been bothering you so much?”
She stares down at her lap and clears her throat. “Guilt,” she says.
“Guilt? About what?”
“A lot of things.” She laughs bitterly and still won’t look at me. “I’ve fucked up a lot of stuff lately, Cora.”
