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But she speaks.
“I made us lunch. You were at work. I made bacon and put together some BLTs with extra mayo the way Momma likes it. I poured two Cokes into glasses and I went into her room to get her so we could eat in front of the TV and talk for a while, but I found her sitting on her bed with a gun pressed against her head. You remember that one boyfriend Allan, the psycho gun nut? He wasn’t so bad, but he left behind that pistol and Momma kept it under her bed, remember that thing? She had it against her temple and she was staring out the window and when I walked in, I screamed and it must’ve scared her—”
She stops talking and I stare at her in the silence that follows. I lean forward and whisper, “She pulled the trigger?”
Kady shakes her head. “No, she dropped the gun. Her hands were shaking so much. She looked back at me and I swear, Cora, she wasn’t crying anymore. She didn’t look afraid. She said to me, ‘Honey girl, Kady baby, I need you to be strong for Momma now. I can’t do it myself but it’s got to be done. I can’t linger forever and leave you and Cora deeper in debt. I’m dying, sweetie, one way or another. It can be like this, and maybe you and Cora can still survive, or it can be long and drawn out and painful for everyone. Come on, Kady, my sweet, strong girl, you have to do it for me.’ I’ll never forget those words. They’re burned into my brain.”
I slowly get to my feet. My hands are trembling. My legs are shaking. I feel like I might be sick. I lean against the pylon and stare at her as she looks out at the water and there’s a strange calmness in her eyes like she’s finally at peace.
“You did it, didn’t you?” I croak the words. “You really did it?”
“She was right, you know. She said you’d never be able to do it. She said you’d never forgive me if you found out and she made me promise not to tell you. I held the gun against her head and looked into her eyes and held her hand, and she begged me to do it. She said it over and over, ‘Do it, baby. Do it, Kady. I love you so much, I love you and Cora so much, please pull the trigger. Please, Kady, I love you, I love Cora, I hope she’ll forgive me for what I did to her one day, but you two are my whole world, baby girl, please do it fast, please, please, please, please, do it.’ So I did. I pulled the trigger.”
She closes her eyes as I stand there rooted to the spot, terror ringing down my spine, terror and a deep sorrow so rooted to the earth that it’s like a noose weighing me down.
All this time she’s been carrying that. All this time it was Kady, not Nolan, not someone in Nolan’s crew. It was Kady, because Momma was dying and she wanted to do it on her own terms instead of wasting away in some hospice bed, instead of leaving us with more bills to pay. Momma loved us so much she was willing to die like that, but she couldn’t do it on her own.
Kady, my strong little sister. My amazing, incredible little sister. She’s been holding onto this the whole time herself, shouldering his horrible burden, keeping it deep inside. She killed Momma, she took our mother’s life because Momma asked her to, and now I don’t know what to think or feel.
“You can hate me,” Kady says quietly and she’s smiling now. “I won’t be upset. I won’t blame you. Momma said you would and I knew she was right, but I couldn’t hold it in anymore, Cora. It’s been killing me for years and now I feel so good I could scream. Just saying all that out loud, finally telling you the truth, fuck, it feels good. I’m sorry, but Momma loved you so much, she died thinking about me and you, and she died for me and you. I don’t regret what I did, but I hate myself for it anyway.”
I open my mouth to tell her—what could I tell her? That she’s sick for killing Momma, that she was wrong, that we could’ve found different doctors to save Momma’s life? That where there’s breath there’s a chance at something better?
Momma was dying and she wasn’t going to turn it around and Kady did what she felt was right.
But how am I supposed to forgive her for taking Momma away?
For lying all these years?
The sound of motorcycles roar in the distance. Their low barking cough is like another kick to my guts. They get closer and Kady sits up straight, looking back over her shoulder. The cabin sits back through the woods, and I can’t see the front driveway, but I hear the bikes get closer and closer and finally turn off.
